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fandom-imagines-stories · 4 years ago

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The Last Toll

Dean Winchester x Reader

Words: 3865

Part One; Part Two

Summary: Trying to protect the boys from having to witness your death, you leave the bunker to die alone. Dean and Sam desperately try to find you before time runs out.

Notes: Here it is. The final part in this trilogy of twists and lots of angst. I am super proud of how this series turned out and I hope you guys enjoyed the ride. As always, let me know what you think! (But hey, keep an eye out in the future for possible continuations)

Warnings: Death, gore, sacrifice, lots of angst and tears

Special shout out to my amazing beta reader Sarah, @suckmysupernatural . I love her so much and honestly, she’s helped me so much in getting these imagines out for you and she has some absolutely killer writing of her own!

Want more Supernatural? Find it HERE

Monday 6:00 A.M.

You had exactly 18 hours left on Earth. 18 hours until a big invisible dog carries you in its mouth down to the eternal Big House. After arguing with Dean last night, it was finally hitting you. You were going to hell. An endless circle of torment that you had no escape from. Beside you, Dean turned over, still fast asleep. You smiled to yourself. You were going for him.

Carefully lifting the blanket, you silently got out of the bed. You grabbed some clothes and stuffed them into your bag. It would be easier to change in the car. You couldn’t risk waking anyone up.

You snuck out into the kitchen, quickly ducking behind the wall when you saw a trench coat laid over one of the chairs, it’s owner flipping through a book. Why can’t angels take naps? You tiptoed towards the entrance, making as little noise as possible.

“You won’t get far.” Cas scolded, not even looking up from his cookbook. You sighed heavily. Busted.

“I can’t stay.” You stepped into the kitchen, putting your bag on the table. “I’ve put them through enough. I have to do this alone.”

“You know what Dean would say?” Cas inquired. You hated when he tried to guilt trip you. “He would say,” the angel lowered his voice to impersonate your boyfriend, “‘You’re one of us. And none of us goes down alone.’ Don’t you want to be with the people who love you? With the man you love so much you sold your soul?” It was odd to hear him speak so emotionally. You could feel tears welling, but you forced them back. If you cried one more time, you’d scream.

“I got to see him one last time. I got to see those eyes bright with life again. I got to kiss him again.” He looked ready to rebuttal so you stopped him. “This isn’t the first time this has happened, Cas. I can’t make Sam watch that again. And Dean…” You sighed, “The only thing that would come from them being there when the bitch comes is more trauma for them to carry around.” You put a hand on his shoulder, urging him to understand. “Let their last memory of me be a good one.” Cas was silent for a moment.

“Alright.” You exhaled a breath of relief. You knew he would understand. Cas stood and grabbed his trench coat. “But I’m driving.” Your relief was replaced with frustration.

“Cas, no-”

“Spare the Winchesters if that’s really what you want. There may not be a way out of this, but you will not go alone.” He was using his angel voice and there was no fighting him on this one. With a huff, you conceded.

“Fine, but I am picking the music.”

9:34 A.M.

You’d kept your phone on silent, ignoring all of the calls you had anticipated. If you heard his voice, you would make Cas turn the car around. You did, however, try and read the avalanche of text messages you were receiving from both brothers.

Don’t do this.

You don’t have to face this on your own.

Please baby, answer the phone.

One of Sam’s messages in particular sent a pang of guilt through your heart.

Dean’s going nuts over here. We both are. Please just come home. If only to say goodbye.

“Regretting your decision?” Cas wondered gruffly. You shot him a look and turned on the radio. Cas changed the channel quickly as ‘Highway to Hell’ played, muttering that it was inappropriate given the circumstances. Instead, he found a station playing Night Ranger’s ‘Sister Christian’. You felt that ache in your chest come back.

“Now what?” Cas read your expression.

“Nothing, it’s just this song.” You had to laugh at how sentimental you were being. “Dean played it all the time when we first became a couple. He liked to joke that he was the ‘Mr. Right’ I’d been so desperately looking for.” The memory made you smile and you imagined being in the impala with Dean singing from the driver’s side.

“Motoring!” He would belt. “What’s your price for flight? You’ve got him in your sight. And driving through the night.” You would both sing the guitar part and laugh.

“Y/N… Y/N.” Cas broke you out of the memory, seeing the sadness in your eyes. You hadn’t even realized that he had stopped the car. “I figured you would want some coffee.” You looked out the window and saw the gas station he had parked in front of.

“You’re a saint, Cas,” You exclaimed, the grumbling in your stomach finally getting your attention. The angle looked very confused.

“Y/N, I can’t be a saint. I’m an angel.”

“It’s just an expression.” You laughed, opening the car door. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

Cas knew that if you were anything like your boyfriend, you’d pursue the aisle for some pre-packaged junk food for a while before checking out. Which gave him about ten minutes to return a very angry call.

“Where are you? Is she with you? What the hell Cas?” Dean yelled into the receiver. Sam sat at the table, still trying to find you, but you must have turned the tracker on your phone off.

“She’s okay, Dean.”

“Bring her back. Now.”

“I can’t. She’ll run if she thinks I’m taking her to you.” Cas explained, keeping an eye on you as you moved through the candies. “We’re stopped at a gas station in Topeka.”

“Where are you headed?”

“She won’t say.” Cas sighed. “She just tells me what turns to make and what roads to follow. Although, she did mention something about ‘seeing the old place again’, whatever that means.” Cas watched you pay for your items and head for the exit. “I’ve got to go.”

“Cas, wait!” Dean said, but the line was already dead. “Damn it!” He tossed the phone across the table. Sam caught it before it could slide off.

“He wouldn’t tell you?”

“He doesn’t know!” The older Winchester exclaimed in frustration. “He said Y/N is just telling him as they go. The only clue she’s given him is ‘seeing the old place again.’”

“Did he say where they were stopped at least?”

“Some gas station in Topeka, so they could be heading anywhere.” Dean paced back and forth. He should have known you would pull something like this. You thought you were protecting him by facing this alone. Hell, you’d been doing it since you were a kid. Dean stopped suddenly.

“What is it?” Sam asked and his brother grabbed the keys to his car.

“I know where she’s going.”

2:14 P.M.

You hadn’t seen the house in about twenty years. Then, it was a family home- bikes left on the lawn, your mother’s tulips overtaking the garden, your terrible chalk drawings covering the driveway. Now, the wood was rotting and a tall chain link fence surrounded the premises.

“What are we doing here?” Cas wondered, turning off the truck as you hopped out. The bottle of anger liquid practically glowed in the afternoon sun. You took a swig.

“This, my friend, is where I grew up.” You surveyed the house and nodded. “And it’s where I want to die.” You tucked the bottle in your bag and climbed the fence, landing on the other side with a dramatic flare. Cas let out an exasperated sigh.

“What happened here?” He asked, reading all of the ‘Condemned Building’, ‘Do Not Enter’ signs. He followed you over the fence, clumsily tumbling onto the other side.

“When I was fifteen, my brother came home from college for the weekend. Only, it wasn’t my brother.” The old wounds didn’t hurt as much anymore, but being here again certainly made them sting a little. “It was a shifter. Now, my parents were hunters before they had us, so they figured out something was wrong…just not fast enough.” It all felt so far away now. “After he killed them, he came after me. Somehow, I got the upper hand and sent a silver kitchen knife through his heart. That’s how I started hunting.” Cas put a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” You just shrugged sadly.

“It was a long time ago.” You were able to pick the lock on the front door, the smell of mold and dirt filling your nostrils. Home sweet home.

Somehow, the kitchen table was still standing and the sliding glass door leading to the back porch was intact. Your father always used to joke that it was bulletproof. The last time you were in this room, you stabbed a creature that looked like your big brother. And that was shockingly the least complicated your life had been in twenty years.

“Make yourself at home Cas. I’ve got about,” You looked down at your watch, “nine hours and forty minutes until I become a chew toy and I’m going to spend it reminiscing and getting very, very drunk.” Cas gave you a look of disdain. “Hey, I didn’t ask you to be here.”

“You are handling your impending damnation remarkably well.” He sat down in a creaky chair as you started to empty out your bag.

“I’m not going to spend my last few hours cowering in the corner, Cas.” You opened the small tin box that you had brought. “I can’t fight what’s going to happen to me. The most I can do is stay here, away from Sam and Dean, and wait.” You repeated it over and over in your head as if you could convince yourself. Every bone in your body wanted to fight. It’s just who you were. You survived. But now, you were staring down the gaping mouth of hell for the man who taught you to live.

4:36 P.M.

You may have had a three hour head start to St. Louis, but Cas couldn’t drive like Dean could. Both brothers continued their attempts to call you but it was still to now avail. It didn’t matter. They knew where to find you.

The exact address of your childhood home was not hard to find. Your parent’s deaths were well publicized so Sam just followed the trail of articles. Sure enough, Cas’ truck was parked in front of the condemned building.

“Why would she pick this place?” Sam asked, taking in the sad sight.

“This is where it all started for her.” Dean answered somberly. “It’s where she wants it to end.”

Inside, a half empty bottle of Jack sat beside the pile of photographs you had been looking through. You told Cas dozens of stories, some through laughter, some tears, and some both. With music playing from your phone, you didn’t hear the new set of footprints until the Winchesters were standing in front of you. You jumped up from the table, the alcohol in your system making you dizzy.

“You told them!” You cast an accusing glare at the angel beside you.

“This isn’t what you want.” He replied in a quiet voice. You turned your panicked face back to the brothers. Sam’s expression held a sad understanding, but you couldn’t read Dean’s. He stepped towards you.

“You have to leave.” You ordered, backing away as he got closer. “I don’t want you here for this. Get back in the impala and leave.” You backed into the corner and Dean towered over you. “Please, Dean.” His eyes searched yours and knew. He pulled you into his arms, tucking your head under his chin.

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.”

You didn’t fight him. You let him hold onto you as your body started to shake. It was another one of your selfish reasons for leaving. If he wasn’t here, if you couldn’t look at his face, you could pretend that you weren’t scared. Now he was here and all of that tough-girl bullcrap was gone.

“I’m right here baby.” He kissed your forehead, taking all of your stress and putting it on his shoulders. You would carry this together.

“Why did you leave?” Sam asked gently. You turned, Dean keeping his arms around you from behind.

“Because you shouldn’t have to see this, Sam. You watched it happen to your brother, I couldn’t make you watch it again. Neither of you should be put through this.” Dean lightly kissed your shoulder.

“You can’t do this alone.” He whispered.

“I had Cas.” You smirked. The three of you laughed, Cas even cracking a smile.

“Why don’t I go to a restaurant with quick service and get food?” Cas suggested.

“Fast food. It’s called fast food.” Dean snickered into your shoulder. You elbowed him.

“That would be great.”

The sound of a clock chiming startled all of you, Dean instinctively pushing you behind him. Sam sighed.

“It’s okay, It’s only five.” You were all so on edge that it felt later. The clock echoed still, connecting a memory in your mind.

“No way.” You broke away from Dean and found the living room. You must not have heard it earlier because of the music. Sure enough, the gigantic Grandfather clock was still ticking. “I can’t believe it still works.” You mused, running your fingers over the dust covered glass. “My dad loved this thing. He never let us play around it because he was scared that my brother and I would break it.” By some cruel irony, it lasted longer than he did.

10:29 P.M.

With stomachs full of fries and mediocre burgers, you had climbed up onto the roof- which was surprisingly still sturdy- to look at the stars. Five hours passed in a blink and you were all getting anxious. Sam and Cas were inside, giving you and Dean time alone.

“I want you to have this.” You began, talking over the music playing from your phone. You handed him the small tin that you kept all your pictures in. Dean raised a brow and you playfully rolled your eyes. “And no, there’s no playboy material in there so you can wipe that smirk off your face.” Dean chuckled and draped around your shoulders to pull you closer.

He opened the box and spilled the contents into his lap. The first image made him laugh. It was of you and Sam, fast asleep on a motel sofa, your head on his shoulder and half of his body dangling over the arm of the couch. Someone- aka Dean- had drawn mustaches on your faces.

“I forgot about this.” Dean put each photo back in the box as he looked at them. Some were from when you were a kid, but most were from your time with them. He paused at one in particular. It was of you hugging him from behind as he worked under the hood of the impala, both of you laughing at something he had said. You were at Bobby’s. Ellen had taken it.

“Damn,” Dean muttered, putting the picture on top of the others. You knew what he was thinking. He’d lost so many people. His parents, Bobby, Ellen and Jo, and countless others. Now he would have to add you to the list.

“When it comes, I’ll need to borrow your gun.” You said suddenly. He gave you a strange look, taking a second to understand. “I figured it would be a better way to go than becoming dog food.” Dean winced. This was not a subject he wanted to address. A part of him still had hope.

“Maybe there’s still a way.”

“Dean,” You sighed, “there would need to be an act of God or the gates of hell closing.” You had a little less than an hour now. Dean’s eyes lit up and he shifted to face you.

“That’s it. That’s how we can fight this.”

“Dean, what are you talking about?”

“When Sam was completing the trails, he was able to kill a hellhound with an angel blade. We can kill it.” His voice had a new sense of determination.

“Dean, there would just be more.” You scoffed. He couldn’t be serious.

“So we kill them!” He said it as if it was simple. “It’ll at least buy us more time to undo the deal.”

“Dean…” You looked at him like he was crazy, but the new found hope on his face made it impossible to rebuke.

“It’ll work.” He said, more to himself than to you. “It has to work.” You both fell silent, listening to the music. You almost laughed. Led Zeppelin’s ‘Stairway to Heaven’. You sang along in your head.

“And it’s whispered that soon, if we call the tune then the piper will lead us to reason. And a new day will dawn for those who stand long and the forests will echo with laughter.”

Surely, somebody up there was laughing. Whoever God was, he sure had a twisted sense of humor.

11:57 P.M.

“We need to get inside.” Dean announced, grabbing the tin and putting it in his jacket pocket. “It’ll be easier to corner the bitch so we can kill it.”

You both climbed down into the back yard. Sam and Cas were waiting, already filled in on the plan. Neither were overly confident, but if there was a chance, they were willing to try.

“You ready?” Sam asked. You gulped and gave the three of them a solemn nod. Each man filed inside, weapons at the ready. As soon as Dean was in, you slid the glass door shut, jamming a metal bar in between the door and the wall.

“Y/N!” Dean yelled, trying to force it open. “Y/N, what are you doing?” The door wouldn’t budge. “Let me out!”

You put your hand against the glass, palm splayed out where Dean’s fist pounded. You gave him a small, sad smile.

“It’s okay.” You mouthed. His hand flattened against yours. “It’s going to be okay.” You exchanged a glance with Sam and he gave you a wordless promise. He would make sure his brother would get through this. You locked your eyes with Dean’s. You never got tired of those emerald irises. Knowing that you put the life back in those perfect green eyes would give you enough courage to face what came next.

You closed your eyes, feeling a lone tear slide down your cheek.

12:00 A.M.

This time, the clock’s chiming didn’t make you jump. The howl did. Both Sam and Dean were desperately trying to get the door open, but Cas knew that this was what you wanted. He turned away.

“Damn it, Y/N! Open the door!” Dean shouted again, hitting the glass as hard as he could. You spoke just loud enough for them to hear you.

“I love you.” You opened your eyes only to find the heartbreak in his. “I love all of you.” You cried out as a set of claws dug deeply into your calf, yanking you backwards onto the concrete.

“No!” Dean screamed. He pulled so hard that the handle of the door snapped off. Sam was frozen now, neither brother able to tear their eyes away.

You tried to hold back your screams, but it was useless. The hellhound flipped you onto your back, claws ripping through your shoulder like paper. Your shrieks were loud enough to fill the kitchen.

“Baby, please.” Dean cried, his efforts in trying to break the glass merely giving him bruises. He was forced to watch the invisible beast create claw marks along your arms and chest. He felt every tear as if it were happening to him all over again. A pool of blood started to pour out beneath you.

Your most agonizing scream came when you felt the dog’s jaws clamp around your side. You looked up at the men above you. Dean’s face was stained with tears, as was his brother’s. They both looked so anguished, so shattered. So you remembered last night. You remembered their laughing faces and off-key singing. You remembered Sam’s comforting embrace and his knowing smile. You remembered the taste of Dean’s lips and the feeling of his body tangled with yours. You remembered their eyes in the sunset, sparkling and alive. And you smiled. Your boys.

“Y/N! No!” Dean screamed in horror as a chunk of your flesh was violently torn away. You stopped moving. “Y/N!” The last toll of the clock echoed throughout the entire house and the old Grandfather clock stopped ticking.

Sam pushed his brother to the side and fired his gun at the glass until it shattered. Dean bolted through, not caring if he got cut. The hound was gone, leaving only carnage in its wake. He fell to his knees.

“Y/N?” His voice was quiet now, hoarse from screaming. Your eyes stared blankly up at the stars, blood splattered across your face. He cradled your head in his hand. “Don’t do this to be, baby. Don’t do this to me.” He pulled you into his lap. “Come on sweetheart, don’t make me lose you too. Please.”

Sam’s chest tightened, watching his brother break down. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Dean cry this hard. Cas had vanished, so it was just the two of them now. After a moment, Sam let out a heavy sigh.

“Why don’t you head out the car? I’ll clean up.”

“No.” Dean growled, head jerking up to look at him. “I have to do this.” Dean straightened and he scooped your body up into his arms. Blood rushed down his clothes like rain, seeping through to his skin. It would stain him for the rest of his life. He pressed a kiss to your forehead one last time and gently closed your eyes.

And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven.

Tuesday 8:33 A.M.

The ride back to the bunker was silent. Even when they got back, Sam knew better than to say anything. Dean went to take a shower, shoving the small tin to the back of his drawer. Sam poured himself a drink. He looked out on an empty library and lifted his glass, as if he were toasting you.

Dean turned the water to a scalding temperature, feeling it burn as it rinsed off the sticky crimson liquid that covered his chest and arms. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw your smile going blank as the hellhound tore away your skin. And all he could hear was that stupid clock. Before he even realized it, his hand punched the tiled wall over and over again until it cracked, his knuckles splitting open and oozing blood. He didn’t even feel it. He didn’t feel anything.

It was dark, but you could still see the blade hanging above you, glistening menacingly. Spiked restraints pierced your wrists, holding you down on the table.

“Sam? Cas? Anybody!” You cried. There was no hiding the terror in your voice. The saw screeched to life and slowly lowered down towards you. “Help me! Somebody please!” You struggled, only making the spikes dig further into your skin. There was no escaping this. Your screams filled the darkness. “Dean!”

General Tag: @rae-gar-targaryen; @takemepedropascal; @childhood-imagination; @mylovegoesto; @yellowbadgergirl; @itmejado

Supernatural: @desimarie12; @deandreamernp; @vicmc624; @halesandy @livshaes; @d-whinchestergirl87; @mrspeacem1nusone

The Deal Series: @writeroutoftime

#gore warning #dean winchester x reader #sam winchester #castiel #supernatural imagines #winchester takeover #october #jensen ackles #Jared Padalecki #to be continued?

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feverinfeveroutfic · 3 years ago

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chapter seventeen: the city by the lake

“So here we are in Lone Pine—what's next again?” Alex asked her as he drank down his fresh coffee.

“Independence. Fort Independence and also Manzanar.”

“Oh, damn.”

“Yeah. I remember the first time I polished up on my history and my dad told me about it. I was horrified, especially by how it's so close to home, too. But yeah, it's Independence, Manzanar, and then Big Pine, and then finally Bishop. We'll stop there and I'll show you one of mine and my parents' favorite places to go at during this whole road trip: right on the main street. Maybe the next time around—like when it's closer to summer, we can go up to Tom's Place—up the hill north of Bishop. My dad stopped at Tom's Place once years ago, and he said they have literally the best blueberry cobbler.”

“Yum,” Alex declared as he rolled his eyes up into the back of his head, and it made her giggle.

He sipped on his coffee some more and he peered out the window which looked out to the west. Mount Whitney was still buried underneath those clouds, but every so often, those feathery wispy sheets dissipated and they both looked on at those high jagged points as they stood strong and foreboding and blanketed with a fresh layer of pure white snow, like the highest most haunted castle in all of the land. Sam shivered at the sight of those points and then she returned to her French toast.

“Just looks cold up there,” he said.

“Where? Up there?” Sam pointed out the window to the top of the mountain, and he nodded. “You know, we're not too far from Death Valley.”

“Oh, yeah, there's that race they have every year. You know, the run from the very bottom of Death Valley to the peak of Mount Whitney.”

“Oh, that! Yeah! That takes place every summer, though. I mean, it makes sense—given how cold it is up there and everything but—still.”

“Right?” Alex showed her a little grin as he reached for another piece of toast. “We should go to Yosemite at some point.”

“I dunno if we can go up there, though,” she confessed. “I didn't see the sign that says that the roads are closed, but that one in particular on this side of the mountains—Tioga, because it's so high up—is closed for most of the year.”

“'Cause of black ice and whatnot,” he added.

“Right! But that's another adventure for us, if you ask me, though. When I went on the road trip with Louie, he mentioned the Eastern Sierra being so peaceful. I kinda wish I agreed with him the first time around because—it really is. There's so much to this side of California. So much to offer, so much to see, so many unique adventures away from L.A., San Diego, and the Bay Area. So much more than meets the eye.”

“It's almost as if you're showing me the one place that you go to when no one's looking,” he said with a thoughtful look on his face. Sam hesitated and then it dawned on her. She really was showing it to him. She was showing him her quiet place. “And at some point, I probably should show you mine, too.”

“You have a quiet place, too?”

He nodded at that and the black hair dye on the crown of his head seemed to fade away with the movements of his head.

“It's not where you think, though,” he explained. “If and when you and I have time and there's a right place for it, I'll show it to you. And I want it to be just you and me, too—there's only one other person I think of who's been to it and that was my mom.”

“Mama took her baby to a place to keep him quiet,” she teased him as she brought her cup of coffee to her lips.

“Yes! Exactly!” he laughed at that, and he raised his coffee cup to her and they made a toast to one another. A toast to one another and then they ate up the rest of their toast. He took one last sip of his coffee and then he leaned back in his chair.

“Feel better?” she asked him.

“Oh, yes,” he replied with a nod of his head and a hand on his stomach, “a lot better actually. I was getting ready to roll out of the car, chase something down and kill it with my bare hands.” She burst out laughing at that.

“I was, though!” he insisted. “And it was that—like—real sudden hunger, too. You know, it's like you're fine one second and then all of a sudden, it's like 'hooooly fuck, I'm starving!'” He said that last part under his breath. “It's sudden and leaves you feeling kinda sick, too. It's almost like you're carsick.”

“Ooh, yeah, that sucks,” she said with her nose wrinkled, and then she took another sip of her coffee. “It also didn't help you were actually in a car, too.”

“Right!”

One more sip of her coffee and then she wiped her mouth with her napkin.

“Shall we?” she offered him.

“We shall,” he said back to her and he put his sunglasses back on over his nose and gave his flattened stomach a loving pat. Sam led him back outside, and she held the door for him all the while.

“Thank you,” he told her and he adjusted the lapels of his windbreaker. The cold winds flooded down from the Whitney Portal and the rugged tall mountains off to the north; she huddled closer to him as she got the keys ready for the next stint of the trip and yet even more cold desolate desert.

Soon, they returned to the road and the short series of stoplights all the way to the edge of town and even more barren, wide open road. Alex peered out the window and the morning sun, which had now risen up over the windswept landscape: a fine layer of clouds blanketed those cold rays as if it behaved as a veil. The shine on those mirrored lenses appeared as more of a glow rather than a straight glare.

“So new album's gonna be called Practice What You Preach, right?” she asked him as the signs for Manzanar entered her view.

“That's the running title, actually,” he explained, “I do hope it's gonna be called that. It just feels appropriate, you know? Especially for this time and era, but at the same time, I don't wanna be like—really on the nose about the things I'm thinking of with writing lyrics.”

“The power of art!” she said. “I still owe you a demo.”

“It's okay,” he assured her, “we needed breakfast after all. And there's so much you wanna show me, too.”

“There really is, Alex. Like I said, this whole road is like a gateway to a whole bunch of adventures. A lot of things that so many don't know about, and a part of me wants to keep it all to ourselves.”

“You didn't call it a quiet place for no reason,” he pointed out.

“True.”

On the left side of the highway, the sage brush and scraggly low trees gave way to partially collapsed chain link fences and the low buildings that made up that old Japanese internment camp. The house in Elsinore felt like a prison for sure, but the sight of that old abandoned compound left Sam speechless. She took a glimpse over at Alex and the thoughtful expression still plastered on his face, even with the sunglasses upon his nose.

To think that she and him wanted nothing to do with each other at one point, much like how she didn't care for Marla at first, and to the point she was willing to take Charlie from her. She still had a long way to go with him, especially when the beautifully desolate desert gave way to even more low rolling foothills and steep slopes along those ferocious towering mountains with their thick sheets of snow, those massive, thick glaciers indicative of the Palisades, the rather treacherous part of the Sierra Nevadas. Even in broad daylight, they looked ready to take these two young kids under their darkness as if they were dragons that guarded the castle down by Mount Whitney.

All along the fine white sands under the seemingly endless droves of scraggly sage brush. All within even more black volcanic rock.

Within time, they reached Big Pine and the titular big sequoia tree at the northern end in all of its lush light greenery even in the dead of winter, like the tallest turret of the castle.

“Here's a fun li'l fact for you, Alexander,” Sam started again. “That tree right there was planted by Teddy Roosevelt.”

“Really?” He was genuinely stunned by that.

“Planted it almost a whole century ago, and it just got bigger and fuller and healthier with time.”

“Sounds like my belly,” he joked, and she laughed at that.

“Past that tree is yet another road to Death Valley. But keep going on it and you end up in Nevada and eventually the Ancient Bristlecone Pine Forest—right on the other side of those mountains over there.”

“Ancient bristlecone pines,” he echoed that.

“Literally some of the oldest trees in the world out there.”

“Yet another adventure for us.”

“Right?”

The Palisades soon gave way to a far more elaborate complex of rugged rough mountains, all covered with even more snow and glaciers. Meanwhile, the sun dipped behind a thicker part of clouds, such that Alex took off his sunglasses and revealed his deep set eyes to the world. The black hair dye upon the crown of his head glimmered and shone under the faint gray winter light and for a second, she swore that she saw that little tuft of gray there right over his brow once again.

“Do you plan on dyeing your hair again?” she asked him.

“Um—” He stopped and those eyes caressed over the immense corridor of land before them. “Actually—no. Unless there's a reason for it.”

“I don't want you to,” she told him. “That little tuft of gray hair is what makes you—” She hesitated for a second in search of the right word. “—unique.”

He nibbled on his bottom lip and sighed through his nose. She was sincere with that: that little tuft of premature gray set him apart from everyone else whom she had known before then.

Another fifteen miles of flat sands across the landscape and soon the first trees, the ones that weren't bristlecone pines or anything akin to them, appeared in their view. The mountains dipped away into the low hanging gray clouds and gave way to a bowl shaped valley before them. The town of Bishop emerged in their view.

“So the place that my parents and I liked to go to on the way through here,” she began as they slowed up for the main street and the deserted, rolling golf course off to the left, “it's—on my side.”

He looked out the windshield along with her. They rolled at a slow pace, past all the little shops and boutiques. The big city of the middle of nowhere right at the base of all the giant mountains. All the rocks to climb and master. All to uncover and carry the weight upon: for a fleeting moment, Sam thought of Belinda and how much she loved to work with her hands. She wondered how Belinda would fare in such a stark terrain because it all but required one to work with their hands, especially if they were artists.

She recognized that rusted sign as it poked out from the side of the road, right beyond the stoplight at the center of town.

“Ah! Here we are.”

Lucky for them, there was no one else in the parking lot given it was New Year's, and thus she eagerly took the first spot closest to the heavy wooden front doors, right in the narrow parking lot. The clouds overhead thinned out a bit for the sun's rays as it began to reach the apex of the sky: but the fact that the mountains had disappeared behind a block of white clouds told Sam that the snows were upon them.

She led him inside the bakery, into that initial narrow corridor followed by the room off to the left with all of the bread and pastries they could possibly imagine. On the far side of the room stood the case with all the fresh cookies and cakes either of them could ask for. She thought of Joey on the previous New Year's Eve, in how they could have all the ice cream they could possibly imagine some day.

A part of her felt as though she and Alex could have all the fresh pastries they could ever ask for some day themselves. Alex himself set a hand on his stomach even though they had only eaten an hour before; Sam raised two fingers to the older baker, who then took out one of the fresh dark reddish brown cookies with a kiss of pearly white frosting on the front side from the row right before her with a sheet of white tissue paper.

Alex chuckled at what she was buying for him.

“Yet another ginger snap,” he remarked.

“Except these have frosting on them—these are nothing like the one I bought for you when we were in Germany. And you're getting two this time around, too.”

“I really am going to gain weight hanging out with you,” he joked with a straight face and a shake of his head.

“It's all good for ya, son,” the baker behind the counter said. “Handmade ginger cookies.”

“Think of it as healthy weight,” she pointed out. “Healthy weight for your little body. And ginger's real good for your stomach, too.” She returned to the baker. “And I'll have one of these big round sugar cookies here, too, please.”

He kindly got the big cookie in question for her and then wrapped all three in that tissue paper, followed by a little brown paper bag. She thanked him and then the two of them doubled back towards the cashier: all the while, Sam swiped a bag of freshly baked cheesy bread from one of the racks.

“My parents love this stuff,” she told him. “It's like the ultimate road trip snack for us.”

“Just break off a piece and eat it every so often,” he followed along. “It's so humble. I kinda like it.”

“We don't have much but we have each other,” she stated.

“We don't have much but we have each other, right.”

She reached the cash register at the wooden desk first and she took out her wallet from her purse.

“I'm gonna be right over here,” he told her, and she nodded at him. She stepped forward with his ginger snap and her sugar cookie in that little paper bag as well as the cheesy bread, and the cashier rang her up in one fell swoop. She looked over at Alex as he walked on over there.

“Beautiful boy,” the cashier told her in a low voice. Sam glanced over at Alex, who gazed on at the rows of freshly baked breads on the racks on the other side of the room.

“Yeah, I guess he is,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders. The cashier squinted her eyes at her.

“Hon—he's gorgeous,” she told her. “Don't lose him. It's not often you see a boy as gorgeous as him.”

Sam pursed her lips together and the cashier handed her her change. She just treated him as she would a good friend and treated him well, even with all of the complex thoughts she had in mind: she dared not look at Alex that way, especially with him still not even old enough to drink alcohol yet. She still had those thoughts within her, but thoughts would have to remain as thoughts regardless of everything else. She thanked her and beckoned Alex to follow her back outside to the gray late morning: the sun disappeared behind the thin veil of clouds once again as they returned to the car yet again.

“You smell like freshly baked bread,” she told him as he buckled in.

“And you smell—like—baked bread, too,” he retorted to her, to which she giggled at him. She fired up the car again and they doubled back to the mouth of the driveway, and back onto the main road once the light turned red. They were alone on the street: despite it being the big city of the middle of nowhere, the sidewalks had already rolled up for New Year's Eve.

She caught the next and final light green and she rounded a lefthand turn, away from the next turn off to Highway 6: she had a vague memory of that turn off, and how her father told her it extended all the way out east, all the way back to New England, but she dared not tell Alex that just yet. They had a mountain to climb in front of them.

The highway separated out into four lanes once again, two in their direction and two which headed back to Bishop: in between was a sandy barren center divider.

The clouds collected all around the summit of the gargantuan Mount Tom right before them.

“Right up this road here,” she explained as they stared the mountain straight on, “when we get to the top, is Tom's Place.”

“The place with the amazing cobbler,” he recalled.

“That's the one!”

They soon cleared the city limit and they meandered over even more barren landscape. So bare and stark, and yet there was something so endless and stunning about it all, much like the coastline. Where the coastline with Louie's presence proved to be serene and intense at the same time, the mountains paired with Alex's presence brought her in touch with herself more than ever. She dared not tell him about it as they reached a series of pastures and ranches on the edge of town.

The highway took a sharp curve around the bend and they were met with a daunting hillside.

“This part of the trip here bothers me the most,” she admitted.

“Why's that?” he asked her.

“It just goes up.”

“It just goes up?”

“All the way up.”

She realized that they were in an older car, too. She had no clue if they would reach the top still in a cool spot.

She gripped onto the rim of the steering wheel and sighed through her nose. The snows were upon them after all: she could feel it through the glass of the windshield.

She took a glimpse over at Alex and his relaxed pose, although those deep eyes were locked onto the cold pavement before them. Another glimpse and she realized how wide they had gotten with the sight before them, as if he had seen a ghost of some sort. She recognized that look in his eyes from the fire ball incident in Germany.

Sam sighed through her nose and, once she switched off the heater, she let the road guide their way.

They climbed all the way up the hillside, a continual gradual incline to the very top, high above the desert and the Owens Valley, and almost level with the mountain tops. The halfway point already had a fresh dusting of snow upon the ground.

“Jesus,” Alex muttered as the road continued on and on up the side of the hill.

“Yeah. People overheat on this mountain pass all the time.” Once the words left her lips, they passed a trailer with a water tank aboard specifically for that problem in question. She took a glance down at the narrow red needles within the gages: the one with the temperature rose a little bit but she knew their saving grace was the cold and the snow.

More snow emerged along the sides of the road. More snow, more slope. Alex shifted his weight in the seat: he clung onto the safety bar over his head. His breathing was steady but she could still see it in his eyes.

They both sat still until they spotted that sign on the side of the road that told them they reached the top of Sherwin Summit. A gentle curve downwards and then the road finally leveled out. At least a foot of snow covered either side of the road and all of the dark forests that lined the way. Miles and miles of thick dark forest covered in white snow so they resembled to those fake trees on a display at Christmas.

“Reminds me of the Black Forest,” Alex said aloud.

“Reminds me of upstate New York,” Sam followed up.

It really did, too: the highway snaked through the trees, complete with big views of Mount Tom and all the snow capped mountains before them, and Lake Crowley and the Long Valley Caldera along the way it all made her think of Finger Lakes and the thick lush forest that she and Joey drove through over to his parents' house. Alex switched the heater back on, but it was rather futile given the cold and icy feeling of everything outside the car.

She pictured Joey in the back seat right behind them as they passed the turn off up to Convict Lake as well as even more forest. She knew that, had she shown him this trip sooner, he probably would never have met Krista in the first place. He probably would love this place as well, especially with the added fact that it was all volcanic.

“This place is so stunning,” Alex remarked as he peered out the window to the vast volcanic plain, now blanketed with fresh pure white snow. “Can't believe this has been right under my nose the whole time, too.”

“Some day I'll show you Convict Lake, Rock Creek Lake, and June Lake,” she vowed as they scoured the rim of Lake Crowley: its black waters glassy under the gray sky and in between the white snow. “There's one place I haven't been to up here with my parents yet and that's Mammoth Mountain, Mammoth Lakes, and Devil's Postpile, right up this way—”

Straight ahead, Mammoth Mountain towered back against the cold gray, but soon they reached another gentle curve in the road and headed for more dark forest. More dark forest lined with small snowy clearings and tiny ponds of black icy water.

“Somewhere along the way here is Obsidian Hill,” she told him as they slithered through those tall trees, “a literal five hundred foot high pile of obsidian.”

“Volcanic glass,” he said.

“Don't take any of it, though,” she advised him. “We are in a volcano, after all.”

“Something about the goddess Pele or something?” he recalled. “I remember reading about her in that book when we were in England. The one where I read about the Wandering Jew. Like if you take something from a volcano, it'll erupt or something—I don't completely recall it.”

“Please the goddess somehow,” she declared. “But how is another question.”

They reached the top of the next ridge, albeit a low one in comparison to the hulking Obsidian Hill, which hid away back in the trees like a troll. Another sign appeared on the side of the road which told them they reached the top of Dead Man Summit. At that point, Alex set a hand on his stomach yet again.

“Ginger snap time,” she said.

“Time for a snap,” he said with a snap of his fingers. He took one out of the paper bag in between them: right underneath it was the cheesy bread. While he took a cookie for himself, she reached into that bag with one hand. With two fingers, she sloughed off a piece of that bread and stuck it in her mouth.

“Yeah, I'm gonna be so plump by the time I'm thirty,” he confessed as he broke off a piece of ginger snap and set it on his tongue.

“Let me ask you something,” she began.

“Ask me anything.”

“Why are you so concerned about your weight? Like that's something that I worry about. I've never met a guy who was so finicky about that.”

“'Cause I'm Jewish—we have health problems galore. Obesity and trouble with the heart runs in my family, too.”

“Aw, I had no idea.”

“It's okay—you didn't know. But—you know—I can't help myself sometimes. I don't care. I like to eat!”

“You grew up in the Bay Area, too. You guys aren't really known for your food so much.”

“No, we aren't! When we eat, we eat.” He took another bite of ginger snap and closed his eyes.

“Man, I wish we had Mexican hot chocolate with us,” she declared. “You ever had that?”

“YES,” he replied with his eyes so big that he resembled to a cartoon character.

“I made a couple of cups of that for Cliff when we were together,” she said in a soft voice, “he loved it. And I feel like that cookie there would go excellent with a little cup of that.”

“Oh, my god, talk about spicy,” he said as he covered his mouth with his free hand. He then swallowed. “By the way, what's the food like over in New York? I only caught a small sliver of it the times Testament went out that way to record but is it really as extensive as everyone says it is?”

“That's an understatement,” she told him. “Alex, I only lived there for three years but I feel like I only scratched the surface. Marla and Bel know far more about it than I do and I think they get overwhelmed from time to time.”

“Jew boy paradise,” he said as he took another bite.

They passed the June Lake Junction followed by a small series of frozen creeks in the woods, and then they were met with a watershed in the shape of a small valley. A thin layer of snow covered the grass out there. Once Alex finished his ginger snap, he licked his lips and gave his black hair a little toss back. In that stint of the trip alone, the black hair dye faded even more to the point Sam could actually see those grays once again.

“Kinda thirsty,” he said.

“We'll stop in Lee Vining and get some water,” she assured him, “we need to get gas anyway.”

Indeed, they turned the next bend, which brought them down lower into the watershed: off before them stood the noxious glassy salt water Mono Lake. They turned another bend and she caught a glimpse of the salty turrets down by the shoreline.

“I remember Mark Twain talking about this lake,” he said aloud, “how it's so salty that it's like swimming in brine.”

“Yeah, it smells, too,” she added, and she couldn't help but think of the East River back in New York all the while; “and not how the beach and the ocean smell, either. Salty and even more volcanic than Lake Crowley. Not the best combination for humans.”

Even though it was midday, the shadows of the mountains next to them cast down upon them like a veil. Sam thought about Zelda and the name she wanted to give the Cherry Suicides' album, that of Black Veils. She was yet another person she wished could see this trip with her and Alex.

They passed the turn off for Tioga Road, which led into Yosemite, and all the while, he muttered, “some day... some day...” to himself.

“Some day, indeed,” she vowed; the road dipped down and they slowed up a bit for the town of Lee Vining. She brought them to the gas station right in the center of town, where he offered to fill them up and she offered to get him some water. She was the only person in that gas station, too, such that she considered merely taking the water bottles for herself when the clerk in the back stopped her in her tracks. They had a good laugh but she was in fact serious about it.

“Man, there is no one here,” Alex said as he stood before the tank door and held the pump steady.

“Middle of the day on New Year's Eve,” she told him, “all the hicks and the tourists went home or they're in the city.”

Within time, and after he washed his hands, they were back on the road and they scoured the edge of Mono Lake. He peered out the window at those dark waters as they loomed just under the road's edge. Lucky for them, the snow hadn't yet come again and they cleared the lake's edge in no time. They stared straight ahead to the next kink in the road, or rather series of kinks in the road as they ascended up another side of a mountain.

“Yet another hill,” he said as he took a piece of cheesy bread for himself.

“Well, at least this time around they got it right,” she assured him as they turned the first right hand corner.

The next one turned left and they rose up a bit. The next one to the right. To the left. To the right. And on the third left one, Alex clasped a hand to his forehead.

“You okay?” she asked him.

“Kinda dizzy. This road is making me dizzy.”

“It's alright, we're almost at the top. Just one more little grind up this hill and—”

A sign appeared on the side of the road that told them they reached the top of Conway Summit, at eight thousand feet above sea level. They made a sharp right turn and began on down the other side of the hill. There at the top, the snow was the thickest it had ever been: tall steep drifts lined the sides of the separated highway as if they were genuine walls.

“Poor guy,” she said aloud.

“This is such a new thing for me,” he confessed, “being a city boy and all.”

“The rough country life is not for the faint of heart,” she told him. “Although a part of me sees you thriving out here.”

“Nah, I'd rather be in the city. Although that doesn't mean I can't not appreciate the wilderness, mind you.”

The road snaked along the other side of the hill: Sam peered out her window at the wispy light gray clouds over the mountains on the far side of the valley.

“Over that way is Twin Lakes,” she pointed out. “My mom's family visited this place so much when she was growing up.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, my great aunt is buried down here in Bridgeport.”

They scoured the edge of a huge snowy pasture and right before they reached the outskirts of that small town, they passed yet another junction to a road less travelled, the highway up to Yerington.

“We're getting close, Alex,” she told him as they strolled through Bridgeport, which too had buttoned up for New Year's Eve. “Another eighty miles—I think.” At the edge of town was another sign, but a thick layer of snow and ice obscured the words from her view.

Another straight shot across the pasture ended by a sharp right hand corner past an old dilapidated house surrounded by barren cottonwood trees, and they headed back to another series of hills.

“How's the car doing, by the way?” he asked her as he reached for his second ginger snap.

“Doing excellent! The only time I was kind of worried about it was when we went up the Sherwin grade. It got a little warm but it never went any higher because it's so cold outside. I dread to think how it'd be if we went in the summer time.”

“Oh, right? And how're you doing?”

“I'm doing excellent! My hands are a little stiff, but I've got it, though.” He flashed her a wink and took a little nibble off of the cookie.

The hills only rose up around them as if they too withheld dragons inside. All the dips and curves in the road and they were soon at the top of a hill. Another sign told them they reached the top of Devil's Gate Summit, and the fourth and final one to boot, and the one that ran adjacent to a creek.

But then Sam remembered.

Within a matter of minutes, those low snowy hills to the left gave way to high stony columns that looked as though they were about to close in all around them. And that creek gave way to a full on rumbling river that ran parallel to the road.

“Let me guess,” Alex started as he licked the crumbs off of his fingers and put his sunglasses back on, “this is the—Walker River?”

“Yes! It's the west fork, too. Even in the summer time, that water is so cold and crisp.”

“Just looks cold,” he remarked as he took a drink of water.

The black river waters washed over beds upon beds upon beds of smooth stones: every so often, a small waterfall emerged out in the open. Meanwhile, the two lane road wound through the meandering canyon like the full body of a serpent. A big beautiful serpent, lined with dense evergreen trees and tall high stony cliffs, to which the head brought them to more snow covered grass land and the rim of Lake Topaz.

“The stateline, Alex!” she declared as they zipped through the snowy scraggly trees.

“Just saw a sign back there that literally called this place 'the quiet side of California,'” he told her.

“And that's exactly what this is,” she assured him with a wink.

They rode all along the edge of the lake, which too appeared so cold and crisp that a mere glimpse sent a shiver down her spine. A final straight shot uphill and—

“Welcome to the Silver State!” Alex proclaimed as he took another drink of water.

“You know, I had a feeling we'd get here by the middle of the afternoon,” she told him as they passed a small casino on the side of the road. “Anyways—welcome home, Alex.”

“Ah, you're taking me to Carson City!” he declared.

“One of the three places I call home,” she continued, “the others being New York City and L.A.”

“Wow,” he breathed out.

The road led throughout more low hillsides and low forests, this time of stubby little bristlecone pines and pinion pines, and then they reached Gardnerville and Minden. Another ten miles across a flat valley and they reached a low ridge. On the other side was Carson City, that old familiar crown jewel that always felt so close and so far away at the same time.

A little ways down the main street and she turned right on Clearview Drive, followed by another left onto Silver Sage Drive.

That old familiar neighborhood, all of those old familiar houses now covered in a blanket of that infamous powdery snow. If only Charlie was there to see it for himself. If only Cliff could see it all, especially when held in comparison to the house in Reno.

“So this is where you grew up,” he said aloud.

“One of the neighborhoods, anyway,” she corrected him. “This one, one up in Reno, and the one down in Elsinore.”

“This is all so precious,” he declared, “it'd be like me taking you to the place I grew up.” He froze and then he looked over at her. She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Funny, uh—there's another place I wanna take you, too,” she declared, “but we gotta hustle, though. It might snow again.”

“Oh, yeah?”

She pulled up to the stop sign and nibbled on her bottom lip.

She remembered the way up. It would prove to be a bit of a challenge, especially since they had already gone over four hundred miles in that car. But she was willing to do it for him.

She made another left so as to head back to Carson Street.

Up the ever so slight hill, past the car dealerships and the little restaurants featured on the way out of town, and she recognized that old turn off to that big mountain road. She had only gone up that way once before and she was rather small when it happened. But that winding mountain road felt like visiting an old friend again.

She was amazed that it was even open despite all of the snow on the ground.

Alex shook his head a little bit at one point but she kept her focus on the pavement before her. A sharp turn followed by another and another so as to resemble yet another snake. He parted those sensual lips and let out a low whistle in response to the feeling within him.

But they reached the top, and all of those thick lush trees clustered together against the dense snow, and Sam recognized even more glassy black waters on his side, cradled by the stark mountain top.

“Spooner Lake, Alex,” she announced.

“Holy wow,” he breathed out as he ran his fingers through his black hair.

But it was an appetizer for what awaited them at the very top and beyond the forests and the next bend in the road as it overlooked the enormous valley down below, and as far as they both knew, the entire world at their whim. They had climbed the mountain to see the world, but before them was what she held dear, and for him in particular.

The snowy scapes cradled those freezing, perfectly still black waters before them. Where they had seen the ugly salt waters of Mono Lake, they were met with the massive beauty of Lake Tahoe. Alex lifted his mirrored sunglasses off of his nose for a better look before him.

“One of the places my mom loved going to when she was growing up,” Sam started again as the road gently dipped downward, “was Incline Village.”

“Is that what this is down here?”

“Nah, this is Glenbrook over here. Incline's over that way—” She pointed out his side of the windshield and the lush banks of snow that covered the forest along the lake side. “I have no doubt that had she not picked Catalina, she would've moved there. To the city by the lake.”

“What stopped her?”

“Her publisher's based out of L.A.”

“I see.”

“We'd have to turn around and head back to Spooner Lake to get there, too. But—” She bowed her head for a better look out the windshield. Even though it was only five o'clock in the afternoon, the night was upon them, as were the storm clouds overhead. All the way up they had gathered around the mountain summits, but now they were officially upon a mountain summit, and thus it warranted snow.

“I don't know if we can get back over there before the snow comes in, Alex,” she said aloud. “Or back down for that matter. That road sucks when it snows.”

“What do you think we should do?” he asked her, concerned.

“Well... we have that blanket in the back and we have our jackets with us.”

“That means we gotta fold the seats back, though,” he pointed out.

“And? Here—”

She slowed to a stop at the next side street, which brought them closer to the water's edge as well as a few long low buildings, including a bar. Once they had come onto smoother pavement, the winds picked up. She pulled behind the bar, away from the water and ultimately the incoming wind and the blizzard.

“We'll park behind this bar here so we're out of the wind.”

“Eat some more of that cheesy bread, too,” he said.

“I'll go into the bar here if you want something more to eat,” she promised him. “I don't have much left on me except enough to get us back down the hill and then over to some place like the Bay Area, but that's for later on, though.”

“And I'll keep you warm,” he promised her.

Five o'clock in the afternoon and yet Sam was exhausted, with no desire to go any further. Indeed, she could see it on his face as well. Both of them had traveled hundreds of miles together and without the sense of a tour lingering over him in particular. She killed the engine and they both climbed out. Both of them wore windbreakers and yet Sam knew it wouldn't be enough. He opened the passenger door and took the blanket off of the seat before he adjusted it back: she did the same when flurries fluttered down from the darkening sky overhead.

“I got another couple of jackets back here, too,” he told her as he took a pair of dark puffy jackets out from under the seat closest to him. “Use these for pillows—”

He rolled up the first one and lay it down in front of him, and did the same for the next one.

Sam brushed the extraneous snow off of her head before she climbed in and onto the flattened back seat. Alex followed suit, although he had to skirt around the edge of the seat so he could lay right next to her. He shut that door above their heads and she shut the other door down by their feet. He then took the blanket and spread it over their bodies.

“Just like that—yeah—yeah—yeah, you got it?” He lay there on his side with the jacket rolled up right under his head; she nestled down right next to him with her head upon the other jacket. She lay right there with only an inch of clearance between herself and the tip of his aquiline nose. Four hundred miles of driving and they both had had enough despite it being early still.

“I do,” she told him in a hushed voice.

“Okay.”

His slender body was so very warm; even though he had slimmed down a great deal, his stomach was still very soft. She kept her arms around his slim waist: even as a thin, almost delicate young man, he had rather prominent hipbones and such thick sinewy thighs. Even when thin and having shed most of his childhood weight, he was still as warm and soft as a teddy bear. She pictured him as even more delicate in a few years time at the rate he was going at with his weight: even having eaten to his heart's desire at the house down in Catalina, he still maintained that slim figure. She tucked her head under his chin so she could better feel the warmth from his neck.

To think that she was laying like this in a bed in West Germany not long ago. To think that she had no one next to her, and for months, in that bed in the house down in Lake Elsinore. That room all to herself for months, such that it felt like a prison of sorts.

“This feels so weird,” she confessed.

“Why's that?”

“Well—because the last time I got this close with a guy was Joey. And I dunno if we're even a thing anymore.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at that. She kept her hand on the small of his back: it wasn't long ago she lay the same way with Joey before and with her hands down lower on him. Maybe she overthought the whole thing and he really was fooling around. No way she could ask him at that point, however.

Alex shivered a bit.

“Are you cold?” she gently asked him.

“A little bit—I'm feeling kind of a draft on the side of my neck. I also think I've lost too much weight.”

“What makes you think that?” she asked him.

“Even under the blankets, I'm cold.”

With a bit of a struggle, Sam lifted her hand and she tugged on the blanket a bit so it covered the side of his neck. She brought her hand towards the small of his back and she burrowed even closer to him so he was warm. Outside, the snow pummeled on the street and the sidewalk beyond the car: given they were behind a brick wall, every so often some of the snow hit the roof or the hood, but not enough to deafen them.

“I will say this,” he started again with a sniffle.

“What's that?”

“I'm glad we parked behind this bar here—” His voice was low and crisp sounding, as though he had a sore throat. “Listen to those winds.”

Sam nestled even closer next to him as the winds picked up out there to where they formed a ghostly howl. He may have felt cold, but his chest was warm and his body was soft and tender. He bowed his head a bit so he could better keep in the warmth between them.

“God, you're so soft,” she told him, “you're like a little teddy bear.”

“I'm gonna say this, though,” he said, “I'm sure you can feel my arms.”

“I do.” Indeed, even though his body was soft, his lanky arms felt so firm and toned, even when covered in that thick windbreaker. “I see you just being so elegant, though,” she confessed as she recalled his life's wish. “All wrapped in lace and standing tall.”

“I dunno 'bout lace,” he said. “Velvet, maybe. Velvet with—silk.”

“All silky soft,” she joked and he chuckled at that.

She had no memory of what happened after that: they both fell asleep, and she woke up to total darkness and the howl of the cold winter winds. And yet even in the wake of the noise outside, Sam caught the sound of voices on the street. Against the wind, she swore she heard church bells ringing.

“Happy New Year!” a man shouted. “Happy 1989!”

“Happy New Year, Samantha,” Alex whispered to her in a broken voice.

“Happy New Year, Alex,” she whispered back. She was practically squeezing his thin little body at that point, but she knew that he would be toasty warm in the morning.

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19mrs-barnes17 · 4 years ago

Text

As Long As I Can Get - Chapter One: Barnes

Summary: Bucky has been through so much in his life, but something brings him back home and he’s forced to face his past. [prompt: Small Town Lovers AU]

Part: 1/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader [AU]

Warnings: mentions of loss and past trauma

Word count: 3,243

A/N: Alrighty folks, here it is! Part 1!

Welcome to Brightbarrow. Home of small-town comfort and hospitality.

“Home sweet home.” His eyes scanned over the letters like they were those in a chapter of an old book from his childhood. A chapter he had closed and hidden away.

With the sun rising the place looked like a picture-perfect postcard, one he had received at least 3 times over the years. A final deep breath released as he pressed his foot down on the gas.

Crossing the town line the guilt in his heart began to increase its density, tugging him into the depths of the land. It had been 10 or so years since he had lived in Brightbarrow, residing overseas and then in New York. He had almost missed the calm of the rural town, however, the noise of New York did something this town never could. It cleared his mind, put it in focus. Until he began to discover that loss followed him wherever he went and not even the noise of New York could drown it out.

Something in his heart called him back. Back to where it all began. To where he had made the best and worst kind of memories, hoping the comfort would creep back into his soul.

The light began to reflect off the glass of the shops, splashing warm colors across the bricks and the side panels of each storefront. Oranges, reds and yellows melded into golden and rosy colors of the early morning. The beams of light painting the daycare where he learned the alphabet, the bookstore where he had his first kiss, the alleyways he ducked into on the nights he got into fights.

There were so many memories throughout the town, flashes of his youth running wild in his mind as he slowly rolled on by. Images of smiles in his mind and laughter ringing in his ears. His heart softened at the sensation. It was hard to imagine he'd ever want to leave this place. But he had. Desperately.

A picturesque town that had become too suffocating for him to stand. So he walked away, found work in the big apple, and did his best not to look back. He kept himself busy to repress the guilt and avoid the hole that was growing inside of him. Christmas used to be the only time he came back here, and that had been enough. Well, not for him. Or his mother. But enough to keep from losing contact altogether.

It’s still too early for any other cars to be on the road, most shops not opening for a few more hours and yet another set of headlights met his in a quick pass by. The blue Chevy Cruze turned down a side street that led to the highway, someone was leaving town. He only knew one family who left town at this ungodly hour, and he knew the driver of that specific car. It’s a small town, everyone knows everyone here. A blessing and a curse.

“James?” Her eyes were bewildered, her brow knit together in a perplexed manner as she peered at her son from behind the door. “Are you…”

“I’m home Mama. For good.” In a lightning-quick moment, the door was flung open and he was ensnared into his mother’s arms, her hold on him tight as though she feared he’d slip away if given the chance. “Woah, I still need air Mom.”

“Oh you hush now, cooped up in that smoggy city for years with hardly a phone call here and there. I will hug you in the manner I wish and you will deal.” Her voice was firm in its demand, nothing much changed. “Now you come inside, your brothers will bring your things in.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Hardly a thing had changed since he left, the first or second time, each picture frame and piece of furniture was exactly where it had been 10 years ago. It was almost a haunting depiction of the place he knew, a place stuck in time. Ever since his father’s death when he was 13 this place had remained exactly as it was and that didn’t settle well with him.

Only two or three frames where ones he did not recall ever laying eyes on, though his typical visits were not lengthy and he did his best not to pay much attention to the place. They could be old, new, or somewhere in between for all he knew. All but one held a photo he recognized, one held a picture of him in army uniform and the other was an old photo of his father in his navy attire. However, it was the last photo that held his attention because it included a non-family member.

For some reason, he didn’t recall a photo being taken of him at the time, but here it hung upon his mother’s wall. A 12-year-old James Buchanan Barnes with an 11-year-old Y/N Fairfield on his back, his gaze glancing over his shoulder at her features, her dimples indicating that she had been laughing as he paraded her around. Her smile was bright but his was, in a rare moment, equally so. His chest grew tight at the memory of such simpler times, such endless delight and friendship. Times he knew he’d never get back.

“That was one of the last days I saw you smiling so carefree, so light.” His mother’s fingers gently run over the glass covering the photo, her eyes sad and tired. “Come to think of it, it's one of the last times I saw her that happy. One of the last times you asked her over before you closed yourself off.”

“I didn’t mean to.” His mother cupped his cheek in her hand and caressed his cheek, a soft smile tainted by longing stretching across her face.

“I know sweetheart, I miss him every day. But I don’t want you to hide yourself away anymore, no one in this town holds it against you. His death hit this place like a hurricane and we’re still recuperating.” She disappears into the kitchen and he’s left staring at the memories he had fought so hard to ignore. Guilt once more crept into his heart.

That night he missed the muted noise of the city as he tossed and turned restlessly for hours. His mind was crowded with memories and reminders of his past, of his mistakes, and of his greatest regret.

“Not that one Buck, next to it.” His fingers fiddled with the tools before him, eyes searching for the one he needed. As his little hands grabbed ahold of the proper tool he turned to face his instructor whose eyes watched him with a soft pride. His father smiled with a curt nod. “Bring it here buddy. I’ll show you how it works.”

When he reached his father the image moved, the warm tones shifting into cooler ones as the sky lit up with stars. His eyes wandered about as he gawked at the constellations, blissfully unaware of anything else. A set of hands covered his eyes and muttered a guess who, his heart racing at the sound of the voice.

“Daddy!” He turned to hug his father, who had just returned from a trip out of town, holding tightly to his legs.

“Come on buddy, I’ll show you some new ones.” His father lifted him up onto his torso and began to point at different constellations, each came with a story and a name. Most he would later forget but there was one star he never did.

“You see that big star right there?” He nodded, eyes fixated upon the glowing object. “That’s the North Star. I want you to remember something when you look at it…”

A loud clang erupted outside his room startling him to his feet, dressing at a rapid rate to investigate. His baby sister sat in the hall rubbing one of her ankles and muttering to herself in an annoyed tone. He cleared his throat and her eyes snapped up to meet his, a gasp escaping her lips before a smile overtook her features.

“Bucky! I thought Ma was messing with us, but then I saw your car outside. Jake and Nick are already bringing things in, I was on my way to wake you.” Bucky shook his head and smiled at her incredulously.

“Mission accomplished Becca.” She smirked but narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him. He leaned forward and offered his hand which she reluctantly accepted, picking up the objects that fell from one of the many boxes littering the hall. “These geniuses didn’t think to just place them in my room?”

Becca shrugged before disappearing down the stairs while Bucky began to move box after box alongside the empty wall by his closet. He opened each in search of his clothes before grabbing a clean set and hopping into the shower. Downstairs smelt of bacon and eggs, a lone plate sitting upon the counter wrapped to keep it fresh, a note stuck to the saran wrap.

Enjoy breakfast! Had to open the diner. Love, Mom.

Today he had to find a job, some way to maintain a steady income so he could get out of the house. As much as he loved his mother’s cooking and how nice it would be to wake to this every day, he couldn’t. Every hall, room, and picture frame held a story that reminded him of what he had lost and he wasn’t sure how long he could stomach it.

He left his keys behind, opting to walk the sidewalks instead. The sun warmed his skin, heating him under its blazing focus and forcing him to duck into the nearest place for a drink. The corner store, Oasis, was nearly empty this time of day with only a few stragglers not yet at the diner for breakfast or brunch. He was grateful to be berated by only two or three people throwing out where have you been’s and ‘how’s New York?’.

He eyed store windows for signs, the occasional curious neighbor popping out the door to chat. A few sent him about the town and soon enough word was out that he was in the market for a job. Things always spread like wildfire here, everyone knew about everything before too long. Hilda and Denise were no help in the matter, being the town gossips and all. He knew they were his best shot and yet he still approached the two elderly women with caution.

“James Barnes? Is that you sweet pea? Come give us a hug dear it’s been far too long.” Denise smiled mischievously, a twinkle in her eye.

“Ladies, I’m in need of your expertise.” The two women giggled in response, proclaiming how flattered they were to be sought out. “I am in need of a job.”

“We know handsome, and you’re in luck. I hear that Thomas Geldin is looking for a worker, he’s putting up some new housing down the way.” She’s leaning forward like it's some secret she isn't supposed to know much about. “Lucky for you he’s in your momma’s diner at this very moment.”

“Thank you ladies, your ears are a gift.” They wave him off with tender smiles before turning back to chatting, an occasional glance through the window behind the bench.

He barely makes it through the door before he’s swept aside by his brother, Nick, sitting him at the counter a few stools away from Thomas himself. Nick returns to the register but turns to face Bucky, his features implying that he’s waiting for something.

“What’s with the look, Nick?”

“Why are you back?” Nick’s eyes are locked onto his older brother, Bucky squirming a little under the intensity. “Couldn’t break mom’s heart any longer?”

“I’m sorry, I never meant to. I just couldn’t stay here and I had to get out.” He tried to convey his guilt to his little brother, the regret of leaving them all behind.

“So you’re here to stay?” Nick eyed him warily as he began his routine counter wipe-down. “No running off again when it gets real?”

“No. I’m getting a job and I’m gonna move into one of the open townhouses.” His little brother remains skeptical, but nods. “I swear, I’m not abandoning anyone again.”

“Good.” His brother smiled softly, a pinch of uncertainty hidden in his eyes. “You want anything?”

True to his word he got a job in labor from Thomas Geldin, the pay enough to rely on that he could put a down payment on his new home. His mother insisted he stay for dinner and one last night before his brothers helped him move his things in, the next day. After an exhausting day’s work unloading the boxes that contained his life and beginning on some alterations, Bucky treated his little brothers to pizza and some beer. They sat telling stories of the past year, confiding and binding in ways they hadn’t since they were children. For once, he felt like he had made the right decision.

With his sleep pattern already going to hell, he sat in his window seat, eyes scanning over the vast array of stars splattered across the sky. Finding the North Star once more provided the lifelong comfort his father had given him, the last piece of him he had. The last comfort.

Across the street he noticed a single light flicker on, a figure moving across the room and back again several times before it went dark again. A few minutes later he watched a woman he hadn’t seen in years pile into her car and pull away from the curb and drive off.

Y/N Fairfield lived just across the street from his new home, and the sight of her brought back emotions he’d long forgotten.

Bucky was restless and his first day of work was tomorrow, he needed to tire himself out and so he opted to take a late-night walk around town. The dark shadows on the empty town reminded him of a ghost town. Not a soul was in sight, apart from the wandering man who couldn’t seem to keep himself asleep. He was exhausted physically by the time he returned, his mind still filled to the brim.

Headlights created a glow around him, bouncing off the buildings and almost blinding his vision momentarily. He couldn’t help but glance across the street at her, his eyes watching as she emerged from the vehicle in scrubs looking exhausted. Her eyes flitted up almost as if she could sense his gaze on her, brow knitting at the sight before her. She took a moment to look him over before sending a lazy wave, eyes reflecting the sadness he felt inside as he looked upon her with immense guilt.

He turned away after she entered her building and made his way up to his room where he flopped onto his bed and slowly fell into a decent sleep.

At his lunch break, he wandered back into town, Donny’s Crafty Tools catching his eye, and reminded him of the work he still had to do after his shift. Hilda and Denise chatted him up before letting him enter the shop, the bell ringing as he stepped over the threshold. His eyes fell on the one person in town he kept constant contact with, the only one who knew he was coming home.

“Steve.” His best friend’s back is to him, his focus shattered the moment Bucky’s voice sounds out, turning about and pulling him into a hug.

“It’s good to see you, Buck. Been way too long.” When they parted he motioned toward the pile of envelopes littering his desk.

“Far too long, I’ve missed you too. How have things been?” Steve’s cheeks flush as Bucky picks up a photo from the counter. “Must be pretty good if you got pretty women sending you photos, and I don’t blame ‘em you’ve grown so much since high school.”

Steve was different than he was back then, less antsy to get into fights defending others and trying to do the right thing. He seemed more level-headed, the kind to talk someone down from a fight or inspire them to be better. The skinny little guy who would pounce on a guy harassing a girl had become the man who would inspire strength in those being victimized.

And now? Now he had fallen in love with a woman who could hold her own, nothing but respect for her strength and confidence in her value as a person. This woman had a hand in inspiring him to be a source of inspiration himself.

Bucky had to meet this girl one day and thank her for helping his best friend in realizing what was in him all along, and showing him how to use his influence. That was something Bucky never had the ability to do.

“I met her during a semester abroad, London.”

“Oh yeah? How was art school?” Steve shrugged, nothing too huge about it but now he had the skill to make art people buy on the regular. “What’s her name?”

“Peggy Carter. She works in a British intelligence agency, kind of a total badass.” Bucky watches Steve smile softly at the photo, a longing in his eyes.

“Just your type.” Steve shoved his shoulder and placed the photo on his desk. “Care to help me with some remodeling later?”

“Anytime. Just give me a call.” Bucky gave him a clap on the shoulder before bidding him farewell and making his way to the door. “And Buck?”

“Yeah.” One hand on the door, he turns to look back at Steve whose face turns serious.

“Don’t be a stranger.” Bucky doesn’t need to ask what he means, he knows exactly who Steve is talking about. The missing member of their old trio.

“She’s not going to want to see me after what I did.” Steve’s eyes soften, shaking his head in disagreement.

“You can’t know that. Just promise me if you run into her you’ll try?” Bucky shifts his weight, unsure he could handle that interaction. “For me?”

“I promise.” Exiting the store he waved the ladies goodbye and rushed to the diner for the last 20 minutes of his break, his promise taking over his focus the rest of the day.

How could she ever forgive him for cutting her out of the picture, like an unwanted memory? But he had to do it. There was no other way.

Y/N Fairfield was a different kind of friend than Steve because while Steve had been there since they were babies, Y/N appeared out of nowhere. Steve lost his father before he was born and his mother passed while Bucky was overseas, so they had always had a shared experience and connection.

But Y/N? She was an anomaly in his life, not his friend like Steve because there were few kids in town and they had stuck up for one another. No, she met him by chance, their parents not friends but friendly enough to invite one another to parties out of hospitality. One trip to the diner and they were inseparable, almost as much as he and Steve were.

But he could never get too close, not after the warning he was given. The reminder that echoes in his head from time to time.

You never know, it could be possible.

Tags: @qtmeryr @broken-hearted-barnes @asphalt-cocktail @gstran18 @cantnkrusshedevil @just-trying-to-survive-marvel

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#justtryingtowrite #marvel #james buchanan barnes #Bucky Barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #writing challenge #au #small town lovers au #reader insert

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seriouslyhooked · 4 years ago

Text

When We Collide (Part 4)

Emma Swan has always known one thing: trust no one but yourself. Unfortunately she forgot her one rule and now she’s paying for it. One bad decision led her to the monstrous ‘Crocodile’ a mobster in New York who goes by the name Gold. Hope seems lost until she meets another person in this underworld, Killian Jones. Despite the place they find each other, a true love blossoms, and they manage to get away. But what will happen when Emma discovers who Killian really is? Will love prevail? Um, yeah, I’m writing this, so duh – it’s all love all the time. Fic features motorcycles, hot guys in leather cuts, and a bit of action/drama. Will end happily, and despite the first chapter, will be light on angst. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. Available on FanFiction Here and AO3 Here.

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for waiting during my little hiatus from writing this fic. I have been absolutely swamped with the end of program madness, but I am hoping I have now turned a corner and that I can do some writing more regularly. I miss getting to write these fluffy fics when the real world calls, but I am happy to report my muse got chatty again, and with a brief window of time I managed to write this next chapter of ‘When We Collide.’ We find Emma and Killian still en route to their new life, and there’s not a ton of action (which is coming later on), but some conversations need to be had for sure. Not to fear, nothing too too angsty in this chapter, and hopefully the surrounding cuteness is appreciated by all. Thanks so much for reading and hope you all enjoy!

No one ever felt so good in the middle-of-nowhere Nebraska.

Not to say that people didn’t have happy lives in this state, or that there weren’t parts of this place that held beauty and meaning and excitement, but it was a commonly known fact when taking a cross country trek that Nebraska was a seemingly endless, barren span of driving. There were no trees, no hills, no real sights to see. It was just two lanes of highway going one way and two lanes of road on the other side. Occasionally there were billboards, and those made for a laugh. Some were more expected, reading ‘Gas Ahead!’ or ‘Next Exit 82 Miles,’ but others were a wild contradiction. Everything out here was either about Jesus or sex shops and that was not an exaggeration. Nearly every billboard they passed warned about the dangers of the devil or openly bragged about having the best stash of adult toys in the Midwest. It was absolute craziness, and in the meantime, there was just nothing out here at all. Just scraggly, heat ridden crops, miles of empty fields, and a horizon that stretched on for what felt like forever.

Yet while many people may not like the nothingness, Killian and Emma were of a very different mind. Sure, it had been a long few days of riding, but for Killian that meant having Emma curled up against him for hours on end. It felt damn good to have her holding him tight as they headed down the highway, and when they stopped to stretch their legs or use the facilities, they’d fallen into a pattern of shifting over the reins. In the downtime and when they wanted to get off the main road, Killian was showing Emma more about his bike, letting her get a feel for the machine and showing her how to captain it herself.

It was questionable how legal this was, of course. Emma had no license, but some of these states further out west didn’t pay any mind to that. Besides, there were no lawmen out anywhere. In their five hours of driving today they’d passed nothing and nobody but 18 wheelers making the trip from one coast to another. As such, Killian didn’t have much fear in letting Emma really ride, and it had only taken about an hour to learn the truth: his Swan was a natural and also a speed demon.

“I can’t get over how awesome this is,” Emma said, pulling off her helmet and shaking out her hair in a way designed to distract and entice any man. Even with a backdrop of nothingness, on a deserted road off highway where he’d let her spread her wings, Emma was stunning. Tie that in with the red leather jacket she’d been wearing all trip, her dark wash jeans, and the boots he knew she needed for the road, and he was done for.

They were only an hour or so from their next stop, a quaint, but fully fortified home in the city (a generous word given how small the place was) of North Platt, but Killian was in no rush. How could he be when Emma’s eyes were radiating the excitement of the moment, and her hair, despite just being in her helmet seemed windswept and wild. She was bloody gorgeous in all ways, but in the throws of something that thrilled her, she was entirely too much for his heart to handle.

Unable to stop himself, he pulled her flush against him for a searing kiss and he loved the way she leaned into it and seemed just as ravenous as he was. Instantly the rush of excitement Emma was feeling on the bike was channeled into their embrace, and Killian groaned at the contact. Her hips arched against him as her hands pulled him close. She nipped and licked and tasted him with the same feverish need that he had for her and it hiked his desperation to hold her close and sate the rising need between them. She was driving him mad, tempting him in ways nothing ever had before. He had half a mind to fuck her out here on the bike. The thought of it pulled a growl low from his chest, but the voice in the back of his head told him no. This wasn’t right. Not out here. Deserted as it was, cars were still passing and someone could see, and he’d never risk that with someone so precious as Emma. Instead he had to calm down and pull away, and when they drew back, her face was kissed with pink, not just from the ride, but from his attentions. The lust between them clung as hard to her as it did to him. Her green eyes were dark now, her breathing labored, and she wet her lips absentmindedly, causing a tug in his gut that wanted him to say fuck the rest of the world and take her here.

“I’m definitely adding a bike to my list of things to get,” she said breathily, her mouth curving up into a knowing grin. She was fully aware of how worked up he was now, and she shifted ever so slightly against him, rubbing up against his hard length barely contained by these damn tight pants. “I need more of that in my life.”

“Consider it done, love,” he said, his voice so gruff it was unrecognizable. “When we finally get home, you choose the make and it’s yours.”

“You don’t have to do that, Killian,” Emma said, suddenly more serious, like it had never dawned on her that he would gift her such a thing. “A bike is a big deal, and I’m perfectly capable of buying my own. I’ll just find a job and save for a while. I’ve done it before.”

“Aye, love, there’s no doubt you have and that you can. You can do anything you set your brilliant mind to,” he agreed, taking the hand that was placed against his heart and kissing it tenderly. He watched her swallow harshly but her eyes never left his face as she took him in with full consideration. “If it means a lot to you that you do it on your own, so be it. I will never stand in the way of what you wish. I only meant that you’re not on your own any more Emma, and I need – no, damn it, I want - to take care of you, as much as you’ll let me.”

A soft and understanding smile tugged at Emma’s lips once more that warmed into a true smirk as she quietly thought to herself. He bit his tongue, barely refraining from asking what exactly she was thinking, but he didn’t want to overpower her. He may have the urge to share absolutely everything with Emma, and to care for her, provide for her, and protect her all the days of his life, but he would not crowd her. He couldn’t bear to pressure her or make her feel suffocated. This wasn’t about taking control from her for his own gain, it was just… well he couldn’t really explain. He was just so damn protective and so desirous to make sure she had everything she wanted and more. And it only felt fair to that part of himself, for she was truly the master of their fates, holding his heart and hopes in her delicate hands.

“Someday I’m going to really push you,” she said and his brow furrowed in confusion. “I’m going to push you past the perfect gentleman you always tend to be.”

“I’m just trying to be what you deserve, love,” he said, his voice betraying his concern at her characterization. Did she think he was faking with her? He wasn’t, he was just trying not to fuck everything up before it could really take flight.

“I know,” she agreed, running her fingers along his brow and pushing back the hair that was growing longer each day and starting to fall across his face. The lightness of her touch made sparks fly under his skin. The fondness in her voice swept away his fears, and left only her truth in its wake. “And I love that, I really do. It means the world to me how much you care. But I’m dying to see what happens when you just let go. When you follow your instincts, those baser ones, the ones that run just a shade or two darker than this.”

Her words were an invitation that a part of him craved. She was right after all, he did want more. He wanted to claim her and be so intertwined that he didn’t know where he ended and she began. He hated any kind of boundary between them, craved every moment that he held her close, and he wanted to give her everything she could ever want. In is ideal world, Emma did only what she loved and what she wanted, and as flashes of what that might look like came to mind he felt a yearning for more. Marriage, babies, a family. A whole long and lovely life where he was her man and she was his everything.

“We’ll get there,” she said, pulling him back from his thoughts and kissing him gently again. “Every day we get closer, you know?”

He could only nod and assure her that he knew exactly what she meant. As they came back on the bike with him once again driving, he allowed those thoughts to linger. Things were so good between them right now, so much more than he’d ever imagined. Every day they had only further cemented the bond between them, and the journey out here had been amazing even if they were on the run.

Well, technically they weren’t really ‘running’, for there was no one with the ability to chase them. Killian had been assured that the Crocodile and his strongest fixers were all in custody, and he’d told Emma as much a few days prior. Some of that information had been disclosed by untraceable messages from Will, but there were also numerous stories in the press. Even in the far reaches of Nebraska nothingness, the Crocodile’s capture had made the papers. He was one of the most wanted man in the country and right now he was in jail, rotting in a cell, despite his army of crooked cops purchased to keep him free. He was no doubt furious at this unexpected downfall, but none the wiser of their actions. Everyone not arrested in the organization had since dispersed, all of the higher ups in Gold’s command and business had gone to ground and Will promised that their case was solid and now even stronger in the face of Gold’s takedown. The bust was clean and they had at least a little while where the monster would be held captive without even a chance of bond or bail or trial.

Only with that confidence that no one suspected what he’d done and that Gold was very much occupied could Killian breathe easy, and even then it was only because of Emma. She always brought him strength, even when she didn’t realize all the parts at play. That peace was one of the most beautiful gifts she gave him, and it carried through not just the rest of their ride, but also through their arrival at the safe house, their making some dinner, and then falling into bed together. Hours passed, and in all that time Killian felt nothing short of elation. He was complete, with this beautiful woman here in his arms, and he couldn’t imagine how he’d ever gotten this lucky. Loving her and having her love in return was the honor of his life, no question about it.

There was only one thing that Killian felt weighing on him right now, and it was one last truth he had to tell before they got back home. He wouldn’t call this revelation a secret per se, because it wasn’t, not really. It was more an oversight in his disclosures to Emma. The truth about where they were going and the life that awaited them had not been fully explained, and though he’d been putting off that conversation for a few days, he finally felt like it might be time to go there. As if she could tell he had something on his mind, Emma glanced over her bare shoulder to him and smiled, looking like a goddess fallen to this world just for him. He worried about dulling that smile, but in his heart he knew she’d accept this. He just had to man up and tell her already.

“Take a walk with me, love,” he pleaded and she blinked up at him from where she lay in this bed, her jade eyes cloudy with lust and confusion. She no doubt believed they were in for the night, and he had too when he drew her in here to ravish her fully, but he had a sudden urge for a change of scene. What he wanted to tell her demanded something different, and he had an idea of how to cushion this could-be blow.

“Now?” she asked.

“Aye, Swan,” he chuckled. “I’ve something to tell you.”

“Say no more,” Emma said, pushing up and jumping out of bed. His body tightened at the sight of her creamy skin and her beautiful body, but he couldn’t get sidetracked. There was time for that later, for now he too had to throw something on and head out to this moment he’d been avoiding for some time.

A few minutes later they were out in the grounds of the property, further away from the house they were staying in, and nowhere near any kind of neighbors. Frogs croaked out their evening tune as the gentle hum of insects sounded out in the night. A subtle breeze washed over the overgrown grasses out front, but here, behind the home was a well worn patch of land that was soft and stable. They naturally found a place to sit, and lay out, neither of them afraid to be directly on the ground. Out here, under the big black sky dotted with stars so very far away, it felt the opposite of New York, and, Killian supposed, it was as good a place as any to tell Emma the whole truth.

“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay, Killian,” Emma said, squeezing his hand. “You can tell me anything.”

“I know, love. I know. It’s just… hard to know where to begin exactly.”

“Well, who is it about?”

“My brothers,” Killian said and Emma nodded in recollection.

“Liam… who we’re heading to now. Wait, you said brothers? Like more than one?”

Killian nodded. “Aye, I’ve more than one. Liam is my only biological brother, my only living kin. But the others, well there were eight at last count. Could be more by now.”

“Eight?” she squeaked, followed closely by the question, “And wait, there could be more? What does that even mean?”

“They’re my club brothers, Emma.”

“Club brothers,” she replied, still not following. “What club?”

“Emma, I…” he trailed off but then just put it out there, though perhaps not in the clearest way. “I’m a patched in member of the Land Pirates, Big Sur.”

“I’m sorry,” Emma said, truly apologetic for her continued lack of understanding. “I’m not getting this. Should I know these… Land Pirates?”

“It’s an MC. A motorcycle club.” Finally some sort of recognition crossed her features, and just as he’d worried there was concern written all over her face.

“Please tell me motorcycle ‘club’ is different from motorcycle ‘gang,’” Emma begged after a few moments of taking in his words. “I meant what I said, Killian, I’m with you all the way, but if we’re just going from one gang to another I -,”

“It’s definitely different,” he assured her, pulling her into his arms. “My brothers aren’t involved in anything illegal. At least not professionally. I can’t speak to the past or what happens when things get dodgy, but that’s hardly the norm. The club owns a number of businesses in our small town and the ones around them. It was different when my Dad was leading, but Liam changed all that.”

Killian proceeded to fill Emma in on the whole truth, about how he’d been born into his father’s world but how his mother took him and Liam away when they were small. They moved back to her country for a while, for it took an ocean apart for Meera Jones to feel free of her husband. Much of his life across the pond was something that Emma knew about. In their times together preciously, he’d shared countless memories of his life with his Mum with her. What Emma didn’t realize was that their mother’s death, which came when he was ten, pushed him and Liam back to his father once more. There were no other relatives to take them, and so they’d been shipped back to America and were raised in the club, seeing a far less ethical life than the one Liam was now trying to make.

In its heyday, or as Killian considered it the darkest times, the Land Pirates ran anything and everything to make a buck. Guns, drugs, women. It was just as bad as Gold’s work but without the same rate of success or the appearance of grandeur. His father was an adrenaline junky, addicted to danger, money, women and booze. All of it was constantly present, and only when Liam and Killian enlisted did either of them get free of it. The military became a lifeline for them both, to leave that life behind. War was preferable to the moral corruption that resided in the MC.

“It sounds truly horrible,” Emma affirmed when he’d told her this, and he knew she understood the gravity of his statement. He’d also confessed how his time in the service had been brutal, so to say he preferred that to life before painted a bleak picture to be sure. “But I don’t understand. If that was what this club stood for, if it was as bad as it sounds, then why would you, uh what was the term, patch in?”

“Aye,” he said, impressed that she recalled that small phrase in the midst of much larger revelations. “My father died some years back, and the club pretty much crumbled in his absence. We were glad for that, at least I was. The Jones men had done enough damage. The world was better off without our whole bloody mess. But my father’s demise didn’t come without consequences. The club’s absence left a hole for others to try and come in. Other crews saw the money to be made in our part of the world and they pounced on the chance, and these men were just as malicious as Brennan but with even better follow through. Before long, the rest of the town was being taken over. People with no ties to the club were put in danger and told they needed to submit or give up the homes they’d known. Liam saw that and couldn’t stand for it. So he made a choice. He took over as Pres and rebuilt from the ashes.”

“I can’t imagine that was easy.”

It wasn’t. The fighting had been rough, and Killian and Liam, as well as the other men Liam had recruited had not been on the right side of the law even if they were preserving true justice. He wouldn’t burden Emma with the details unless she asked, but she seemed to take his agreement as enough, pivoting to another thought instead of lingering in the past.

“You make it all sound so…” He held his breath, afraid of what she would say. “Honorable.”

“My brother would be proud to hear you say that, love. He’s a man driven by honor at all times and in all ways. He would never feel peace unless we did something to mend the scars of Brennan’s time here.”

“It must have been hard to live in the shadow of your father’s misdeeds,” Emma said, running her hands along his arm. “For both of you.”

“Aye,” he agreed, not bothering to deny that. “But of the two of us Liam has always been the better man.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Emma said vehemently.

“You should,” Killian said, not trying to be down on himself, but stating a fact he’d truly believed his whole life.

“I won’t,” she countered and in spite of himself Killian laughed, pressing a kiss to her temple as he kept a hold on her. They lay together breathing each other in for some time, before Emma posed a question they’d always danced around but never explicitly broached. “So if the club is better now, why did you leave them? Why not stay with your family and help them make good?”

“You mean why in the world was I wrapped up with Gold in New York?” She nodded. “It’s simple really. Liam’s route to peace was in facing the demons of our father, but I was much more tied to scars of a different kind. You see, Gold stole from me well before I made it to New York. He killed the only woman I ever loved.” Emma looked up at him, shocked and saddened for his pain as he clarified. “My mother.”

“Oh Killian,” she said hugging him close, and though he expected her to ask for all the details of his mother’s death, she didn’t. She just held him, running her hands along his body with affection and support.

It brought tears to his eyes, to have a woman who accepted him this way. Who had heard so much, but was still beside him. Her patience was a sign of her strength and her trust, and whether she knew it or not she was healing him and his scars more than anything else ever could. He knew he’d come to tell her the whole story of his Mum someday, and soon, but the fact that he didn’t have to do so right now meant the world. Disclosing the sins of his father was enough for one night. The terrible tale of losing his mother could wait.

He couldn’t be exactly sure how long they remained out there, taking in the deep night sky as they quietly remained together. All Killian knew was that Emma stayed pressed against him, holding tight and centering him with the sound of her soft breathing and the steady beat of her heart. It beat out in time with his, a gentle rhythm despite the pain of both their pasts. How he had ever lived without this he did not know, but he knew he’d never see another day without her. Because no matter what came next, he was hell bent on staying with his Swan, building their life together and making new memories that healed any and all darkness from the past.

Post-Note: So there we have it. Just another little glimpse into this journey out west. I am enjoying these kind of glimpses into Emma and Killian, and next chapter will bring a final trip moment that will mean a lot for our story. After that we get to see Emma meet Killian’s brothers and that should be fun too. Anyway, thanks to all of you for reading and I would love to hear what you think! Sending you all my best and hope you have a great rest of your weekend!

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stella-monstrum · 4 years ago

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Bobby Roe’s ‘Underestimated Gem’, “The Houses October Built”; [1hr 31mins, Rated R] (2014)

Admittedly, there is a lot to unpack in this review.

I found myself at the relatable point of endless scrolling through horror films on streaming apps, hoping to find something that really challenged and rattled my thinking afterwards. Obviously, film taste is different for everyone, and I am CERTAINLY way too easy to scare. But this wasn’t a film made to elicit jumps—or screams for that matter.

I went into this viewing with a couple expectations. First of all, Hulu’s trailer for the movie was enough to grab my interest by itself. The clips of this group of friends exploring haunted horror attractions and the brief introduction to the eerie actors along with it pulled me in.

[Anecdote; Around the same time that the film came out, I’d gone to my first haunted house. I was separated from my group, and thrown into a “butcher shed,” and proceeded to have the living shit scared out of me. One of the actors knew that their mates had gone too far and pretty much came in to save the day. Afterwards, I thought it was the coolest thing and started to laugh at my own fear—which plays massively to the appeal to watch.]

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Before I go into the review...

I will say that the thriller theme to this film made me squirm and made it difficult to watch all the way through. So if you’re squeamish, have trauma-like responses, or have epilepsy, proceed with caution or skip this one altogether.

This film also contains a bunch of NSFW themes, torture, and graphic images (which basically delivers its main purpose, I guess).

(Written by Stella. Edited by Jacob J )

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The Cast:

Brandy Schaeffer as Brandy

Zach Andrews as Zach

Bobby Roe as Bobby

Mikey Roe as Michael (aka Mikey)

Jeff Larson as Jeff

The casting is fairly straightforward, with the actors playing overly exaggerated versions of themselves. Though technically under the lead of director Bobby Roe, the cast all had a hand in writing the film. Pulling double duty is a feat in itself. (It was unfortunate to find in my research that, after the 2017 sequel, the majority of the cast just dropped off the face of the Earth.)

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Summary:

The five childhood friends from Ohio seek out the thrill of the Halloween season, traveling through the deep south of Texas in an RV. They’re stocked up on junk food, booze, drugs, and pure joy that they’re setting out on this journey. For the six days leading up to Halloween, they visit six attractions in the Lone Star state. (technically)

The team begins at a bar in Tyler, Texas, to celebrate the beginning of their trip. In their wasted stupor (and even while sober throughout the film), they make light and joke about how these “haunted attractions” are tame and as fake as the horror films they strive to represent. (Meta as hell, right?)

With each visit, the attractions grow scarier and freakier. Somehow, they piss off a whole gang of creepy-ass characters. Despite being essentially in the middle of nowhere, the aforementioned creep squad (we’re talking clowns, bloody bunnies, backwoods Vorhees groupies, etc.) stalk and terrorize the traveling quintet. The group moves on toward the ultimate attraction, The Blue Skeleton, which they desperately try to find. This leads them on a mystery hunt through word of mouth (and an online horror attraction forum, to the secret location). They eventually wind up heading towards the deep, dark heart of Louisiana, where The Blue Skeleton exceeds every fear that they wanted in the first place—and ends up being their worst nightmare.

The film also gives a small nod to George Romero, the man who changed the way that zombies were seen in pop culture and films, during their visit to a zombie-themed paintball attraction. On top of that, the creators made the film on a very small budget (allegedly). It was given a brief theatrical release in 2014, but years later became a niche gem with a continuing following amongst horror film fans.

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[Likes & Dislikes]

It was incredibly hard to want to complain, consider how the film left my state of mind after watching. But, ultimately, I had to find something for the sake of this review. So I’ll start with the dislikes first, because it’s so worth saving the best for last in this circumstance.

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[Dislikes]:

1.) The first-person filming: Although capturing themes and moments perfectly to keep suspense, it made me super queasy.

- Now, this nitpick isn’t an end-all film-ruiner. With any first person/found-footage deal, there’s a guarantee to feel the rollercoaster like adventure in your gut. (I recommend having a good bowl of ramen or some ginger tea on hand.)

- The filming style 100% captures and cranks every moment of fear, suspense, and terror. It makes you feel like you’re a part of the team. (Found-footage/first-person filming was the original VR, fight me.)

2.) The full on disrespect that the group shows to the attractions.

First attraction: They find a ladder (that’s conveniently left unsupervised, despite not being for patron use). Mikey decides to climb it and steals a megaphone as well. He causes a scene atop the ticket booth and attempts to get a crowd shot for their film at the Haunt House in Caddo Mills, Texas. This pisses off an entire group of creepy-ass clowns that follow them back to their RV. Living up to his unspoken title of Mister Dumbass, Mikey tries to confront them.

● Second attraction: One of the clowns and a broken porcelain doll actress proceeded to follow the crew to this location in Eureka, Texas. Mikey confronts the “doll” when they find her on the side of the road. She follows onto the bus, screams, then slowly leaves.

● Third Attraction: As the group enters Phobia, located by US Highway 248, they’re told not to film past the point of entry. The camera shuts off. When the camera (one that Bobby set up on the RV) comes back on, we see Mikey trying to hook up with one of the contortionist girls. Afterward, when Zach finds out more information about the acclaimed Blue Skeleton, they get confronted by yet another pissed off clown accusing Mikey of filming when they were told not to.

There’s an entire slew of other incidents that I won’t dive into, but I will say one final con:

3.) Brandy just minds her own business the whole time, yet gets the backlash and crossfire from the boys’ shenanigans and dumbassery.

- Honestly the more she got caught in the middle, the more I felt looming dread.

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[Likes/Loves:]

Amidst the (albeit small) annoyances, there was so much that I loved and enjoyed about this film.

1.) Complete out-of-the-gate blurred lines of the entertainment-yet-fear that we seek out in haunted houses.

● Starting from the opening scenes, there’s VHS like footage of fun and upbeat tours from haunted attractions, which evolves into a slow burn of much much darker and horrible secrets/tragedies from them:

- An employee found hung, mistaken as a prop;

- Houses allegedly hiring murderers and criminals without background checks;

- & Actors going as far as breaking bones (but not killing) to scare patrons.

2.) Continuity that never strayed from the film’s theme and/or purpose.

● Through all six attractions that the crew visit, the actors that they seemingly managed to piss off (looking at the real male hubris issues here) follow and stalk them whilst traveling in the middle of nowhere—even all the way to Louisiana.

● With each haunt, the scare level increases, starting with fun and simple baby-type scares and progressing to pure anxiety and nightmare fuel.

(As an aside, I’m honestly still mad that there was no seizure warning for the amount of strobe lights they filmed in the name of fear.)

3.) Consistent foreshadowing

● At the very beginning, they show a gut-wrenching video of a bloodied and tied-up Brandy being shoved into a trunk

● Also, the film seemingly always lingers on Brandy, which gives a small clue as to the haunt creeps having an unhealthy obsession with her.

● At the first attraction, The Haunt House, while the crew films with high spirits, they convince Brandy to playfully get into one of the prop coffins, thinking it’ll be funny. Then the actor nearby shuts the coffin until she screams to let her out.

- Deeper into their travels, they joke about how much they’d want to get paid to be buried alive. At the end, that’s exactly what happens.

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(Final Thoughts)

There are so many heart- and gut-wrenching moments that force you to never look away from the screen. If I’m being honest, the style and story that Bobby Roe created is honestly on par with something you’d see from the acclaimed likes of Kubric and Zombie, among others.

This is such an underrated find. Minus my nitpicks, I’m giving this [9/10] stabs.

(This is the most I’ve been shaken up by a film in a good while.)

Want to get lost and vicariously (not literally) shit your pants? This is the film for you.

[Just don’t piss any clowns off on your way there,K?]

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songisforyou · 4 years ago

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Now We Sit in Your Car, and Our Love Is a Ghost (5/8)

I keep playing on repeat / the same set of memories / I’m in the passenger seat / and you are there next to me.

The first boy I date is one I learn to care for on a twenty-four hour drive to Colorado, and on seven-hour drives to and from Kentucky. I don’t think I am ever in love with him, but I learn to love asking him questions in the bubble of the front seat, the night flashing by outside. Inside that bubble, there are no secrets, nothing is too stupid to say, everything we say is full of meaning, and I get to choose the music for hours on end.

I like the way the hours slip away when they’re ours / and I like the way the highway waves goodbye behind the car.

I remember the boy distinctly drenched in the gold of sunrise on the drive back, crossing state after state until the sunrise becomes a sunset and we finally find home in the middle of the night. I sit next to him, trying to memorize his profile, wondering if he sees me the way I see him: beautiful. Wondering if he sees me the way I see him: in great detail, observing the angle of his wrist, one hand holding the bottom of the steering wheel, the way he sings along quietly when I pick the right song.

I know you like wide open spaces / and long horizon lines. / The sun sets in the rearview mirror, we’re / almost out of time.

I write songs about him. They are songs about cars, about sitting next to the driver. Of course Lorde, too, falls in love in a car, and the car serves as the vehicle to convey her love story.

The journey starts in Pure Heroine. In Pure Heroine, “400 Lux,” Lorde sings, “you pick me up and take me home again / head out the window again,” and the chorus calls to mind endless cookie-cutter blocks passing by in the suburbs, the roads “where the houses don’t change / where we can talk like there’s something to say.” She captures the magic of feeling important, of how the car can turn the trivial into the essential, the mundane into the meaningful, providing the closest thing to freedom that she can find in suburbia.

The final track of the album, “A World Alone,” opens “That slow-burn wait while it gets dark / bruising the sun. / I feel grown-up with you in your car. / I know it’s dumb.” I think of this stanza all the time. I play it on almost every car ride when the sunset begins giving way to dusk. The sentiment is the same as in “400 Lux,” where the car becomes a place where we are important. We can fall in love because we can talk to each other here, and in this car, we inhabit a world alone. Maybe it’s stupid. It’s almost unbearably tender, the simple music behind the words, the lone notes, the space around them, the gradient of soft color against the car, the lump in my throat. Maybe I look back one day and think that the things I said were trivial, not as profound as I thought, that I was just a kid—but it doesn’t matter. In those moments, we believe in what we say to each other. We hear each other.

Lorde doesn’t have a driver’s license (to this day). Like me, she is always in the passenger seat, never alone, never an independent traveler, always existing in relation. In his car, she must have felt like an adult. I wonder if she wanted to reach over the seat and touch his face, if she kept looking at him when he was looking at the road, drinking him in, waiting for his eyes to flicker toward her and back to the street, if she sang harmony along with the radio and wondered if he thought her voice was pretty (it’s unconventional, a low, alto growl, but it becomes addictive, works its way into the heart of the listener)—if she did all the same things I did, craved the same things I craved, worried, like I worried, that she was making too much of these moments. Is it stupid?

In Melodrama, we hear the aftereffects of the love, the memory of it. The two songs that mention his car are “Hard Feelings” and “Supercut,” a song about the end and a song about remembering the beginning after the end has come.

In the first, she writes “now we sit in your car / and our love is a ghost.” I swallow these words on long car rides with my ex, when we are in the same group for weekend climbing trips. In the second, the ghost is explored. A supercut is a montage, and Lorde’s is one that cuts together “all the magic we gave off / All the love we had and lost.” In her head, the same moments replay — “In your car, the radio up / In your car, the radio up.” The line repeats itself like the memories, abruptly cutting back, somewhere between supercut and short-circuit. “We keep trying to talk about us / I’m someone you maybe might love.” The song calls back to “400 Lux” and “A World Alone,” a beautiful representation of the way we remember our relationships, our habit of recalling the best parts, of getting lost in nostalgia, finding ourselves wrapped up by the ribbons that tie us to the people we loved.

The love is remembered in one car; the post-breakup recovery in another. “Liability,” one of the most vulnerable, heart-wrenching songs on Melodrama, expresses Lorde’s attempt to come to terms with her breakup, opening with “Baby really hurt me / crying in the taxi / he don’t want to know me.” She is no longer welcome in his car. He doesn’t want to know her (“he,” not “you,” a far cry from the intimacy they shared). Instead, we imagine, he has put her in a cab. A stranger drives her home. Similarly, the entire album begins with “I do my makeup in / Somebody else’s car. / We order different drinks / At the same bar.” We know from this line that she is going to the same place as he is, but she can’t go there with him. She has to take someone else’s car. To begin the album this way is to emphasize the excruciating awareness Lorde has of their parallel paths and the distance between them.

The recovery, in the end, requires finding a new way to move through the world. “I ride the subway, read the signs,” she sings in the second verse of “Writer in the Dark.” In real life, while writing the album, she “took lots of subway rides, auditioning rough mixes of songs on cheap earbuds, which helped give her a sense of how the music would sound in daily life.” The subway is independent, solitary. It enables her to focus on her work. It doesn’t require her to dedicate her attention to the person next to her, the way conversation in the car does. It might be something like her new life, the one where she faces thousands of strangers every night instead of facing the specific person she once loved from the passenger seat. On the subway, in the stadium, she is always on display yet perhaps often unseen, unknown. She has emerged from the privacy of a love affair (in his car) and the privacy of her own heartbreak (in another car) into the individual-yet-communal and decidedly-unromantic experience of public transit. Perhaps it reminds the girl she used to be, when she wrote, “we ride the bus with our knees pulled in” (“Buzzcut Season”) or “we count our dollars on the train to the party” (“Team”), before the complications of the relationship took over. But perhaps it is different — now, there is no mention of anyone else with her. The independence is more complete, if bittersweet.

I take the train from school back to my city. I’ve never driven anywhere alone, since I didn’t get my driver’s licence until a week before I returned to school for senior year, where I don’t have a car. Sometimes I remember the bubble of my ex-boyfriend’s car, but I also think of the way I can put in my headphones on the train and just sit with my own thoughts. It’s a lonely release, a haunted freedom.

#lorde #text post #text #writer in the dark #hard feelings/loveless #supercut #400 lux #melodrama #pure heroine #liability #green light #song is for you #five of eight

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dulcetminds · 5 years ago

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some (concept) playlists

find my spotify here ✨ & my fandom character/ship playlists

this page is updated monthly!!!!

💫 monthly, yearly & get to know me playlists:

monthly mixtape: updated daily and refreshed every month with no correlation to anything what so ever.

twentytwenty: a song for each day of the year

the soundtrack to my life

my favourites

pass the aux cord, fool: car vibes

🍾🌉 playlists based off cliché concepts:

coming of age indie romcom soundtrack: cigeratte burns on film, a first kiss that tastes like beer and chapstick, and laughter falling on train tracks

not another coming of age soundtrack: red party cups and the never-ending feeling of nostalgia

Mother Nature reclaims: a soft apocalypse mix

tragedy in the dark: set in the 90's, you're driving at night on the highway, passing under street signs and street lights that illuminate your lovers tired face as they trace circles on your thigh

rise up!: (a futuristic teenage rebellion playlist) you live in a world full of holograms and plastic food, the government is corrupt and somewhere out there is a bunch of rebels that are fighting back

an angels kiss in spring: it’s the roaring 40′s and you hit the town in bold red lipstick, curled hair, flared dresses & traditional swing

a wispy field of sunshine: there's something alluring about falling in love under the sun, sipping on raspberry lemonade & kissing someone who tastes like chapstick

the air is fresh out here: i am lost beneath the earth; dirt and moss fill my lungs and i cough up ivy and rose petals as the trees whisper my name so soft, it gets caught in the wing of a butterfly floating by

3am dancing with my lover: fairylights are hung low around the kitchen, my lover has tired eyes full of wonder and we trip over our own two feet, laughter pumping our hearts alive

the last dancers at midnight: my prom could have been better so we're gonna visualise it like a teen romance movie; tired feet, starry eyes & a tender kiss under the disco ball in your high-schools' hall

even my phone misses your call: 'hey, this is [redacted] please leave your message after the beep!'

you’re so nice to come home to: finally moving into a small apartment with your lover; succulents adorn the windowsills and you both have a love for vintage polaroids and dream catchers — a dreamers dream

I've been in love with you forever: best friends that live next door to each other & know one another like the back of their hand, connected windows, rooftop talks, sleepovers, & everything that comes along with we're best friends & i don't want that to change but i am definitely in love with you

found you in this life: my mother once told me that some of the people we meet in this life, we knew in a past life and it’s up to us to decide where it goes from here

raspberry stains: spring flings includes squashing raspberries between finger & thumb, and dancing under the sun

rollerskating disco rink fever: we're twelve years young & there's a disco ball highlighting our hair as we dance the night away & i'm pretty sure we've happened to scuff the linoleum floor

endless summer afternoon: hopping from shadow to shadow, blisters on our feet; summer, summer, summer!

summer ate me alive: and I want nothing more than to sleep through the next three seasons

ragtag band of misfits from the year ‘87: group of four trying to solve the murder mystery of their late best friend / everyone’s hiding something / he might be in love with the boy he’s known since childhood

[our hands are brushing against each other as we walk]: i want to slow dance with you in the middle of the street

hey, new kid!: its highschool and life is full of rumours and giggling girls & boys with sharp teeth and then english class rolls around ━━ and did the principal just introduce a new student?

🧚🏻‍♀️ specific concept playlists (mostly based on moments and emotions that I've experienced & can’t get over):

head’s a buzz!: stoned out of my mind, I'm pretty sure I met the girl of my dreams last night

I should be sleeping: but i am walking aimlessly under street lights trying to forget your face, your taste, your voice; with vodka stained cheeks and chipped nail polish

pity party for two: the sudden realisation that the future is scary and we're two lost souls stuck in love with people who helped us grow

we’re under the same stars: It’s talking under the stars till the sun breaks through the trees with him, who makes your stomach ache full of laughter and although the wind is cold against your skin and the sleeping bag is thin, he burns just as brightly as the stars in the night sky, and you want to exist between 3 and 4am forever.

I fell in love for one night: he kissed my shoulder & held me tight

moments left unsaid: I love every part of you when it’s loud, when it’s silent, when you don’t know it at all (basically falling in love with your friends in the moment over the smallest of things like the way they dip their head back to laugh or hide their smile behind their hand or when they slow down waiting for you to catch up or pull you aside to ask if you’re doing okay, etc)

angel in disguise: can angels fall in love?

skate park shenanigans: I spent a the hours 8-11pm at a skatepark with my friends and we don’t even skate but this is the specific energy those hours gave off

you’re dreaming beside me: & I’m dreaming of you

how to be soft, sad & content at 4pm

I wish we could live forever: knowing someone you love is gonna die is the one of the hardest things you’re ever gonna witness

remember when we were in love?: 2015: yellow. open roads. a boy. a girl. my house. high school musical. clouds. stars. a pillow. sunflowers. beauty and the beast. skype calls. a bear. / 2017: a girl. blue, blue, blue. / 2019: a girl. a boy. picnics. skateboards. burgers. your house. an empty promise.

the pretty reckless: my friends fall in love too easily

the ceiling is staring back at me: it’s 1am and I'm thinking about everything and anything

me against the world, vol. 1

me & my apathetic brain: basically Russian roulette with I’ll die anyway by girl in red & just a girl by no doubt

🏳️‍🌈🌈 lgbt+ playlists:

this is for the gays!: for pride month 2019, gay bops to rock your socks to

all I see is her: girls r great!

we should fall in love or something: just kidding... haha... unless?

I don’t wanna b ur friend, I wanna kiss ur neck: yeah, it’s based off I wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red & also my ex but we’re gonna take the former

please look at me the same!: my bisexual teen angst

🦋🏹 ‘old groovy, 70′s, 80′s, 90′s etc music’ playlists:

butterfly dust: old time music that goes together

groovy, groovy: 70′s, 80′s, 90′s

lovestrucklovestruck: nothing goes wrong when you live in your head

she’s gold dipped & cherry wine kisses

funky glow

🥁🍒 genre specific playlists:

metamorphic: rock n roll

devils advocate: it’s like white noise before you enter hell (mostly ghostemane)

you’re not indie till: you skate, own a pair of hot converses, have good fashion taste, drink ice coffee and and and

monsters live amongst us: hiding in plain sight, the people we call our friends / a horror pop playlist

hazy affection: anxiety reducing songs and study beats

softly, sweetly: relax your eyes & dream of simpler times

bubblegum pop: the radio is overrated but here we are

glazed eyes, cherry skies

darkness looms overhead

magic under fingernails / under veins

state of mind: kinda like rap but not, definitely an easy listen to while stoned

moon rockets: fly me to outer space where we’ll become another star in the night sky.

dream & folk pop

my dreams reach the stars: my mind is far away from here / starry-eyed and captivated

local neighbourhood party: songs I'd bang my head to at a party

heavenly hymns

fluorescent heartbeats

take me away, into the night

if you see me listening to this, look away: literally Disney musicals mainly Disney’s descendants & zombies

autumnal breeze: a mix of bedroom pop & 80′s tunes

blueberry feelings: is this soundlcoud or tiktok?

untamed glory: the songs dont vibe together as well as they should but i guess thats ironic given the name of this mixtape

all strung up: my favourite female pop songs & then there's sunflower, vol. 6 by harry styles

candyfloss kisses: baby pop

and that’s on tiktok luv: literally what it says

candle lit afternoons: candles + rain = a gentle quiet in it’s purest form

tenderness: soft, quiet, yielding; murmurs at dusk & the playing of hair

my bed is the warmest place: for rainy days & the chill in your nose

🚀🍁🍓 playlists to listen to when your doing this specific thing:

classic picnic bitch: (cute songs that give me picnic vibes) and we bond over a pack of UNO cards and strawberry-filled desserts

beach bums, baby!: a beach-y playlist

hotboxing ur friends car: get high w/ me!

🥺💫🌞🌻🤩🐝 playlists to grow & fall in love with yourself to:

falling in love w/ myself !!!!!: I'm still learning how I work

then I defy you, stars!

seventeen: I made this when I was seventeen and getting over my first heartbreak and realising that I should never wait for people who can only give half back

no negative vibes here!

💌💖 my romance / love centred playlists:

dancing in my room to the sound of you, you, you (middle school crush vibes)

love cluster: and i guess there are lot of love songs out there but there are also a lot of songs that aren't about love that got me feeling like i'm in love so which is it

lovelorn: (a unrequited love playlist) and we yearn for the hearts we cannot hold; lovelorn, lovelorn, lovelorn

our love has gone cold: I love & I loved

whimsical lovers falling out of love

baby boy blues: fell in love for a day with a boy whose smile is contagious and ever-lasting

you gave me panic attacks & I called it love: unsure if you’re in an unhealthy relationship? leave them.

regret in the simplest of forms: I could have loved you / I think a small part of me did

my favourite ‘what if’: soulmates who weren’t meant to be

seeking love among cruel hearts: perhaps we were friends first and lovers second. but then perhaps this is what lovers are.

it’s a long way down from your window: everyone’s favourite secret relationship trope

heartbreak hotel

i’m yearning for his heart while he gives me his body: I love you, don’t you love me too?

make out w/ me?: songs I'd kill to make out with someone too

miss you forever: sad pop love letter

I liked you better in my dreams: the idea of them has taken root in your mind and it’s much different to how they really are

little bit in love with u: alterous attraction? we KNOW her

drowsy cacophony of love

tracing you back to the roots of my house: I'm sifting through the memories of us, where did we go wrong?

love; a choice or a feeling?: and it is both I suppose, it is a feeling, it’s happiness and soft giggles, faint blush. and then it is a choice, a choice to stay with them or leave. it is a choice to not only love them, but yourself too.

tenderly, tragically: this used to be a collab playlist with someone who loved me fully and unconditionally, things have changed since, but this is whats left; it's our story compiled into a playlist

second chance at love: you make me hard, but she makes me weak

lonely in love: (it was supposed to be just casual sex but fuck, I think I'm in love with you)

silent lovers: skinny love (n.) a type of love where two people are in love with each other but are too shy to admit it

my first love: they say your first love never dies, and love, they’re right

my lover is a liar: victim to broken promises and false truths by a boy who died when he gave me his heart

love locket type of love: I loved you in secret !!

the charms of love: don’t fall in love with the moment & think your in love with the girl! (yes, she’s american by the 1975 lyrics)

almost lovers

💸💄💅🏻⛓ playlists that give off bad bitch energy:

rich girl$: my cash flow will never ever end

kiss the boys n make em die!: femme fatale, girl revolution, girl power

GIRLS. FOOD. GEAR: loosely inspired by people by the 1975

girl, interrupted

you’re like a rhinestone pick-up line: picture this — a girl with a hard attitude that you can’t just seem to get off your mind

back on my bullshit: just got my heartbroken; revamped!

👻👽 my halloween inspired playlists:

hallohalloween: basic halloween playlist

the fae know my name: humans beware the manic pixies & lip curling fae for although they don't lie they are cunning creatures with kind eyes!

frothy vampire chick meets soft green witch: red fanged lover & a green house full of potions, spells & succulents

sirens lament: sharp teeth hidden under a pretty face

murder at the casino: (in breaking news: monster hunters just cant seem to catch a break!)

the howling

witchy renaissance

fuckin vampires, man!

🥀 if I were series (playlists that only feature one artist based off something specific):

if I were to dance in a faerie ring to hozier songs: maybe I want to fall in love with a faerie and be under Hozier’s rule

if I were to live my teenage years to Lorde songs

if I were to get high by the beach to skeggs songs: BIG greening out energy

if I were to fall in love to tom rosenthal songs: tom rosenthal songs that make me feel like I'm in love!!

if I were to reminisce about heartbreak to LANY songs:

Hogwarts Houses:

🌻 Hufflepuff

🥊 Gryffindor

🐍 Slytherin

📘 Ravenclaw

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writingsbyshay67ss · 6 years ago

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A Fishing Trip With Dean

Summary: After a long two months of nothing but fighting monsters and dealing with assholes you wanted some time away but you knew in this business there was no breaks, there were no getting away for a moment and breathing in the crisp air of fall, or letting the sun kiss your skin. You had no idea what Dean had planned for you but you didn’t care as long as it was the two of you together with or without Sam.

Characters: Reader x Dean Winchester

Warnings: Flirtation, cuteness, a proposal, and a little danger.I guess that’s good enough warnings. Let’s GO! :)

Y- “Dean. Can I ask you something?”

D- “Sure, what’s up?”

Y- “If you could do anything over again what would it be?”

D- “Other than not having those burritos before that last hunt?”

Y- “I’m serious.”

D- “What would I do different? Huh, you know I don’t think that there would be anything.”

Y- “Really?”

D- “Well I would have done meeting you a little different if I knew we would become more.”

Y- “Why? The way we met was perfect. Yeah you were a bit cocky and you lied about who you were but if you hadn’t have followed me outside that bar I would have been dead.”

D- “I was on a hunt that night and something about that last customer you had didn’t feel right to me.”

Y- “You came a swept me off my feet that night. Yeah I was shook after seeing you kill that vamp but I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it.”

D- “Do you want to get out of here?”

Y- “Out of the bunker?”

D- “No, like out of the state?”

Y- “No, not really I like it here with you and Sam in the bunker.”

D- “I’m trying to ask you if you want to get away from all this.”

Y- “What do you mean?”

D- “Let’s take a trip out on a lake. It doesn’t have to be a long trip just a couple of days. Just to get some space from all this, you and me, what do you say?”

Y- “Seriously? What about Sam and saving people and hunting things? You know the family business?”

D- “That all can wait. Not like its going anywhere. Besides Sam can handle it he has Bobby and Cas to help him if he needs it.”

Y- “Yeah, okay! I’ll go get packed.”

D- “Pack enough for a week we may stay longer than just the weekend.”

Y- “Yes dad.”- will giggling sarcasm

You and Dean pack enough for a week and get Baby ready for the trip, as Dean had already walked out the door with your bags and his, Sam stops you and gives you a big hug.

Y- "Sam? I can't breathe."

S- "Sorry just wanted to give you a big hug before you go."

Y- "I'm coming back."

S- "I know. Just letting you know ill miss you."

Y- "Okay, your acting weird. What's up?'

S- "Nothing. Just you guys be careful."

Y- "We will. I'm with Dean he will keep me safe. You both are good at that."

S- "Well have fun and bring me back a souvenir if you can."

Y- "Sure thing. You be careful to yanno." -You laugh

Sam opens the bunker door and waves to you and Dean as you both drive down the dirt road leading to the highway.

Y- "Is Sam okay?"

D- "Yeah why?"

Y- "He hugged me real tight. Like tighter then usual."

D- "You know Sammy he's just sensitive."

Y- "Yeah bu--"

D- "So, road snacks?"

Y- "Um sure stop over at Ralph's." (Gas station)

Dean pulls over and goes into the store and grabs some of your favorite snacks and as he reaches for his a hand lands on his.

D- "Can I hel--"

As he tried to finish the sentence she interrupts him with something unexpected.

Bella- "Dean Winchester. You are always in the way."

D- "Wasn't the last time we saw each other you shot my brother then stole all my scratch off tickets?"--Smiling because he knew she was about to smart off

Bella- "You remember? Good the last time I saw you and your brother I shot him. You don't want to do anything about that now why?"

D- "Look threatening me is the last thing you want to do. I don't want to get back at you because you are not worth my time."

Bella- "Oh I'm not threatening you. I am giving you a warning. This little trip of yours, you might want to reconsider. There isn't any "safe" trip the Winchester's can go on without running into trouble"

D- "I will decide what is good for her and what isn't. She is safe with me, and if I see your face again, it will be the last."

Bella laughs then heads out the door. Dean throws the bags in the back reaches over and grabs your face landing a soft one on your lips.

D- "You ready sweetheart?"

Y- "Always."

Speeding out of the parking lot you smile from ear to ear.

Y- "In a hurry? Or are you just showing off?'

D- "Little of both."

Y- "You never change Winchester. Don't."

It was a six hour drive and you began to get tired so you leaned over turned the radio up and laid down into Dean's lap as he drove. He reached down and played with your hair as the sky turned black and you could hear Dean humming to the ACDC song playing on the cassette. The more he ran his fingers through your hair the quicker you fell asleep. When you came to a few hours later Dean had pulled into a campsite and already took everything into the cabin and when he opened the door your eyes had to adjust to the lighting around.

D- "Rise and shine."

Y- "Where are we?"

D- "Away from hunting and the bunker."

Y- "Real cute. So, what are we doing here?"

D- "I'm going to take you fishing in the morning."

Y- "Really? Awesome I've not been in years. I was like five and I didn't catch a thing."

D- "Well then I guess I get to help you out on breaking your fishing virginity."-- Laughing so hard he cried

Y- "I love hearing you laugh. We don't do much of that no days. I t looks good on you."

D- "You think?"

Y- "Yeah."

D- "You think you will be able to sleep for the rest of the night since you slept the way here?"

Y- "I should be as long as your next to me."

D- "Well come on in here."

Dean opens the covers and you slide right in close against his strong body. After a few moments you feel something hard on you lower back and chuckle once you realize that it was his cock.

Y- "Dean?"--You playfully say

D- "Yes?"

Y- "Are you horny?"

D- "When am I not when I lay next to you like this?"

Y- "Well in that case."

You roll over on top of Dean and run your hand around his neck and pull him in for a wet one. He places his hands on your hips and grabs tightly as you teased him, he groans and pulled you down by your neck and kissed you as he grabbed your hip with his other hand. You lean up and take your clothes off as he done the same. The night was long and you and Dean messed the sheets up it was an endless night of passionate love making. (But this isn't that kind of story.) Once the two of you get cleaned up you laid your head on his chest and fell asleep.

Dean went into the complimentary breakfast room for you the next morning starting the day off wonderful for you. This was the day Dean Winchester was going to ask you to marry him. You feel a small brush on your skin and lean into it smiling when you open your eyes and see Dean standing over you with breakfast.

Y- "Wow, you didn't have to do that for me."

D- "I wanted to. You looks so peaceful sleeping I didn't want to wake you just yet."

Y- "So, what are we going to do today?"

D- "I'm going to take you fishing."

Y- "Today? Yay I'm so excited."

D- "Good once you get done eating and get ready we will head out onto the lake."

You finish up quickly, get dressed, and throw on one of Dean's flannel shirts then head out the door.

D- "Let me get that."- Referring to the passenger door.

Y- "What is up with you? You're being so sweet."

D- "Aren't I always?"

Y- "Yeah but, today is different."

D- "I'm just glad we don't have to kill anything right now."

Y- "Yeah your right. It's nice not having to worry if today is the day your gonna die or worry about someone else dying on you."

D- "Is that what goes through your mind when we are on a case?"

Y- "Yeah, I worry about my boys every time you guys ask me to stay out of one. I know that means it's a bad one. That you guys are keeping me safe by leaving me home that trip."

D- "You don't have to worry about us babe, we're Winchesters!"- he says smiling ear to ear

You smile and take his hand in yours.

Y- "How did I get so lucky to have you guys?"

D- "We are the lucky ones to have you."

Dean pulls into the parking area and you guys go into the shop and grab some beers and fishing rods. You were so excited you didn't even think you could hold it in. Dean wraps his arm around your neck and pulls you in close as the two of you walked down to the peer.

Y- "I got this side you take that one let's see who can get the most fish."

D- "I'm going to kick your ass watch out."

Y- "Yeah okay fish are drawn to beauty not stink."

You laughed so hard you may have scared the fish away already.

D- "Shhh. They don't like noise."

Y- "Oh right! Shh." --Sticking your finger to your mouth

After a couple hours you began to think you were not going to catch anything till you felt a pull on your rod and you freaked out.

Y- "I think I got one! Dean!"

D- "You got to real it in babe. Hurry before it gets away!"

Y- "How do I do that?!"

D- "Here let me help you. You real it in by this nob wind it towards you like this see."

Dean gets behind you and reals in the fish some for you just enough for you to finish the job and you pulled the fish up and out of the water and shouted in excitement.

Y- "Dean! I did it I caught one oh my god!"

D- "You sure did!"

Dean stood back and watched you as you jumped up and down ecstatic about your catch. This was it this was the moment he was going to ask you to be his. Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the small box that holds his mothers ring in, he knew she would have wanted you to have it. He gets down on one knee and waits for you to turn around.

Y- "It's so big have you--"

D- "Y, you know I'm good with words and this is the best I can do, and it may not be what you want but from the first day I laid eyes on you I knew you would play a big part in my life. We have been through so much these pass six years and I thought it would be better if you were more then just a girlfriend that put up with me and all of the things that come with it. You are always there when Sam and I need you and you are always the one who can pull me back from hell, literally. I can't imagine my life without you. I want you to be my wife."

Y- "Are you serious? You really want to marry me? This isn't just some joke you are pulling? Did I get adult napped by a Gen?" --With tears growing in your eyes

D- "I'm serious."--with a smile on his red face

Y- "Yes! A million times yes Winchester!"

Dean stood up and wrapped you into his arms and hugged you tight then let you down and put the ring on your hand. You couldn't believe this was actually happening but you didn't care as long as it lasted a few more moments that's all that mattered.

D- "I love you Y."

Y- "I love you Dean."

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downanight · 3 years ago

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p.s. - for a mobile friendly version of our member groups page, click read more!

STANDARD MEMBER GROUPS

all our standard member groups will be free and available on our launch date! we’ve based these on aesthetics versus traits to make them more flexible for you - please consider them loose rather than a total prescription of what your character needs to be!

BAGEL 🥯

vintage corduroy. rollerskates. peanut butter by the spoonful. thrift store couches. ferris wheels. hand drawn artwork. moodboards. watching the sunrise. camera shutters. undiscovered beauty. well-worn sneakers. banana splits. signing petitions. meditation. wise words. sprigs of lavender. long walks. wire rimmed glasses. humming under the breath. cluttered desks. creases between eyebrows. mismatched socks. happy little accidents. wide open windows. swatches. scratched heads. controlled chaos. spinning endlessly. pressed flowers. staring out the window.

BURRITO 🌯

cracking knuckles. the loudest voice at the table. impatient tapping. long term plans. 5am alarms. firm handshakes. sleek cars. dark blazers. polished brass. structured pants. avocado toast. belgian chocolate. annual gym memberships. my way or the highway. black coffee. dramatic sighs. whiskey on the rocks. swipe left swipe left swipe left. moodboards. neat lists. withering stares. asleep at the desk. ambient lighting. no room for mistakes. first place trophies. rehearsed speeches. hardwood flooring. never say never. late night cigarettes. ticking clocks. grasped hands.

COOKIE 🍪

blanket forts. home-cooked meals. words of encouragement. fireworks in the summer. hot fudge. black and white classics. unfinished thoughts. fuzzy socks. lost items in an old coat. hitting snooze over and over. nostalgia in everything. large families. ocean waves coming to shore. deep breaths. salt stains. juicy peaches. earthen dishware. chamomile tea. flour smeared cheeks. pumpkin spice. walks in the woods. blossoming carnations. slender jewelry. foreheads pressed together. slow jazz. filled calendars. warm cookies. unexpected gifts. fantasies.

FRENCH FRY 🍟

creased maps. raging waterfalls. unwashed hair. instant coffee. one way tickets. sunsets over the desert. root beer floats. half smoked cigarettes. grass stained jeans. dark chocolate. eye roll emoji. 3% battery. crowded concerts. sarcastic greeting cards. acid trips. candlelight. old posters. midnight swimming. warm musk. driving with the top down. burritos with extra guac. forgetting to text back. urban exploring. rumbling thunder. found family. rope swings. just jump. sharing stories. packing light. warm beer. road trips with no destination. bare faced. falling leaves. never look back.

HOT DOG 🌭

small details. herb gardens. busy city streets. conspiratorial smiles. baby powder fresh. tailgating at the big game. extra espresso shots. saying yes. endless ocean. meaningless tattoos. whatever’s on draft. 5k races. answers to everything. all night phone calls. truth or dare. messy buns. raspberry sorbet. you’re my bro, bro. cheating at monopoly. passing out on the couch. conversations with strangers. smolders. act now, think later. leather jackets. smudged makeup. restlessness. loud laughter. confident strides. natural talent. what ifs. hairbrained schemes.

PRETZEL 🥨

dogeared books. leather satchels. phone on silent. noise cancelling headphones. new book smell. chai lattes. chewed fingernails. dancing in the rain. trivia nights. succulents on the windowsill. all white bedding. a wrinkled dress shirt. messy handwriting. true crime podcasts. 5am drives. classic matte lipstick. bare feet in the grass. chapped lips. bullet journals. tired but satisfied. carefully chosen words. old libraries. well brushed hair. fresh bread. untouched snow. antiques. the shade from trees. bicycles. knitted scarves. knowing looks. first hand up in class. reliable suits.

PIZZA 🍕

dancing on tables. baggy shirts. salty fries. smeared make-up. bed head. bold statements. frappuccinos. fashionably late. lucky charms. girls nights in. roaring laughs. siri, open tinder. reality television. takeout on speed dial. midnight skinny dipping. incorrect turns of phrase. wilting houseplants. thriving on chaos. rocky road. hiding junk in closets. long island iced tea. long contact lists. bright confetti. breakfast for dinner. sweatpants. running from responsibilities. dark sunglasses. funky socks. fading hickies. social butterfly. novelty couch cushions. water balloon fights.

PREMIUM MEMBER GROUPS

our premium member groups will be up for grabs once the site launches. to gain a premium member group you’ll need to buy it with points, so get plotting, threading and saving up! purchasing a premium group will give you a cute new skin variation and colours, as well as some lovely prizes and opportunities!

CEREAL 🥣

paint splattered t-shirts. lush green fields. toothy grins. patchouli and sage. tiny tattoos. handwritten notes. mud tracked through the house. classic rock music. unread messages. chipped mugs. tangled headphones. repurposed leftovers. misunderstood punch lines. loaning money. old architecture. wandering. herbal remedies. heavy backpacks. chunky boots. encouraging smiles. thought-out haikus. tarot cards. pots of soup. charitable donations. unruly manes. socks and sandals. warm honey. old cars. golden hour. earl grey. canvas tents. gingham blankets.

CUPCAKE 🧁

maraschino cherries. no set schedules. comic books. wildflowers. light up sneakers. cosy beds. bubblegum. stacks of pancakes. singing in the shower. conversations with dogs. post its on the mirror. romantic comedies. champagne kisses. giddiness. blue sky thinking. twirling in a sundress. saturday morning cartoons. cursive handwriting. crushing hard on strangers. rolling down hills. chewed pen caps. bursts of excitement. hair flipping. cheap drinks. outright flirting. youtube marathons. great with kids. graphic shirts. tik tok trends. silver linings. welcome distractions. impromptu picnics.

ICE CREAM 🍦

drunk tattoos. neon lights. conspiratorial smiles. smashed phone screens. cheap wine. last night’s leftovers. walks of shame. scratches on backs. polaroid pictures. mischievous glances. glow sticks and glitter. crop tops. technopop. laughing til it hurts. bottles of vodka. messy bedrooms. dirt under fingernails. salty fries. bruised knees. doing it for the meme. scars with stories. lips between teeth. glossy lips. thumping bass. splashing puddles. throwing arms in the air. sleep is for the weak. bed head. wake and bake. adrenaline rushes. borrowed dollars. leaps of faith. live fast, die young.

NOODLES 🍜

starry nights. crossword puzzles. listening carefully. sci fi movies. art galleries. snorts of laughter. statement clothing. birds in flight. video games. catching fireflies. foreign films. angry tweets. stacks of books in the corner. saying the wrong thing. dramatic haircuts. taking the train. watching tv with subtitles on. highlighted pages. far off lands. pretending to be someone else. matcha. steamed up mirrors. people watching. documentaries. untied shoelaces. reminders on the back of the hand. underestimation. dad jokes. blanket burritos. nervous texting crushes.

SUSHI 🍣

candle-lit dinners. chilled wine. sound of stilettos on the sidewalk. twilight hours. lipstick on white collars. polished metal. few but close knit friends. love of higher society. hand on chest when laughing. french manicures. caprese salad. luxury watches. leather wallets. long walks on the beach. living peacefully. minimalistic decor. croissants and fruit. flower bouquets. sleek sweaters. well-made beds. pistachio macarons. the glow of a laptop. marie kondo methods. french press coffee. pressed linen. broadsheet newspapers. vanilla bean. grand pianos. long swims.

POPCORN 🍿

dark movie theaters. hand-holding. stuffed french toast. bulky sweaters. hot chocolate. heads on shoulders. beaten up converse. bowls of ramen. comfortable silence. pinky promises. old favorites. tight hugs. dusky evenings. gin and tonic. bubble baths. ruffled hair. slouchy shirts. carnival ferris wheels. amaretto sours. wide umbrellas. quiet murmurs. too many emojis. overstuffed couches. a push in the right direction. hand-me-downs. vcr collections. acoustic guitars. grandma’s casserole dish. sworn protectors. body warmth. aloe plants. waffle cones. dappled sunlight.

WAFFLE 🧇

careful notes. scrabble champions. never wrong. secluded cabins. under eye bags. never misses a phone call. the road less travelled. bitten lips. zoning out. keyboard warriors. cloudy lemonade. forgotten meals. ripples in water. debating at the dinner table. crossword puzzles in ink. crackling fires. best laid plans. paragraphs in journals. long stretches. budget spreadsheets. food magazines. thriving houseplants. practical advice. tailored clothes. raised eyebrows. protein shakes. filling the swear jar. decisive nods. leather couches. lined paper. reason over feelings.

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traviswsoul · 7 years ago

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Day 28 Brook's Memorial Park to Sunnyside RV Resort 50 miles

July 31, 3:49 time, 2,044 caloires, 13.2 avg mph, 1,014; climbed After so many days resting up I was ready to ride. The campsite was great, I went to sleep at sunset reading Thomas Paine’s The Age of Reason, which is blowing my mind, and then was at with the sun at 5:30. This was a great execution of the morning routine so I was able to run through the breakfast and packing like a pro. This was greatly assisted by having a dry tent, I think I’m learning something about dew, I believe dew doesn’t settle through the night as much as it settles in the morning after the sun comes up. It makes sense, if the air around a colder thing heats up then the surface of the thing gathers dew, it’s just condensation I’m thinking. This lines up with my observation and is encouraging me to get up as soon as its light, I really hate packing a wet tent! Adapting my body to routine of the sun is really exciting for me, I have always been a morning person and believed this to be the best way to make the most of the day. I hope that I can keep it up when I get off the road. It makes me think about how much time I have been outside, and sleeping and waking without a roof over my head that normally allows my controlling of light, and so many other things. I am enjoying an learning a lot from the simplicity of a narrow realm of control and adapting myself to nature instead of trying to force all the elements to adapt to my lifestyle. But, don’t get me wrong, I’m also looking forward to sleeping in when this is all over and I’m back in my bed, I need some black out curtains. ;) However this morning I had almost pedaled out of the park before realizing I didn’t have my Garmin computer in its place, I turned around and dug it out of some pocket it didn’t belong in, I’ve got to unpack and reorganize everything soon. Because I am no longer on the coast I no longer have maps and planned routes, instead I downloaded a route on the Ride With GPS app and when I was setting it up I checked avoid highways. This was a bad move. I rode for a couple hours, the last few miles down the same road, I knew I had a right turn coming up and that it was going to take eight miles toward the next town. This road was deep grey gravel with some packed spots from driving but like cars do to roads like this the packed spots were rippled and a nightmare to ride over. I had a little hope that it might turn into a paved road so I went almost a half mile before throwing in the towel and turning around. The way back was downhill and there were several times I was certain I as going to crash as I drifted through the loose surface. Somehow I managed to not though and arrived back to where I started. I happened to just get phone service at this same time so despite the chaos I called mom right away because she hadn’t heard from me in a couple days, and I promised her that wouldn’t happen. She was at a computer and helped find my way, as she has always done so well, even before computers. I’m actually really grateful for this mixup because I ended up cycling through the Yakima Valley hop farms. Eighty percent of America’s hops come from here, they grow all different varieties, the ones hop fans are familiar with as well as ones they developed and cultivated ones found wild. I am a huge hop fan myself and have in the last year become for intrigued about how they grow. My local brew supply store had some for sale in the shop one day that you could grow at home, then I talked with a friend of mine that farms hay about them and we wondered if they’d grow in the Texas hillcountry, surely local Texas beer brewers would pay a lot more for Texas hops than what whoever pays for hay. The field is covered with a grid of rope and wire suspended twenty feet up in the air. Ropes are run from it to the ground, one for each hop vine in the rows. They grow tall wrapping up the vine and reaching for the sun, it’s a beautiful sight to see. I stopped as soon as I did, parked my bike and walked in to inspect what this was. It was a young plot and none of the plants had mature hops on them so I didn’t recognize them right away. I did have a feeling it was hops from the baby buds I found on them, I took a sample to ask someone later but I didn’t have to, down the road was a mature field with towering vines and fully developed fat hops. I was beside myself, my ideas were confirmed and they had been on my mind for such long time so to see it in person felt like the coolest culmination of my ongoing farming lesson that has been this trip. I continued to ride turn after turn through hop farms all at different stages of growth approaching harvest and delivering those delicious betters flavoring my favorite hopy IPAs. All day I had been riding through or along the Yakima Nation Indian Reservation and the Yakima River. I will take this moment to not start ranting about the genocide that created the foundation for our sprawling across this “great” nation and the irony and conflict that I feel about national pride because we collectively choose to ignore this fact……If you stole someone’s TransAm you wouldn’t go blasting around town, blaring Metallica, yelling about it with your mulleted head hangin out the window, flying a flag with you name on it would you? How long after it’s been stolen and passed down to your kids does it become appropriate behavior? This is why I have a hard time with the braggadocios pride on Independence day, why I’ll always bring up smallpox at Thanksgiving, and could only wear an American branded article ironically. Budweiser beer has the word America in the place the brand name used to be, it’s way out of hand. People keep realizing the truth in the line Not all Donald Trump supporters are racist, but all racists are Donald Trump supporters, and they also see them selves as the greatest patriots as well, only adding to my resistance to align where I’m supposed to, patriotism, its a no brainer right? You go all gung ho about where ever your from and allow ideas that’s it’s the best actually hold water. That’s insane, It’s like religions knowing that all the others are wrong and mine is right. Clinging to nationalism, hyper patriotism and rejecting things foreign or different are blatant signs of insecurity and self doubt, in some cases, in my opinion. But since I’m not ranting about the patriotic forgetfulness of the blood on our hands after “founding” our country I’ll move on to my next flat tire. The Yakima river took me into Granger, there are dinosaurs in Granger, all over the town, apparently its a ancient river bed and some of the first fossils were found there. There really cling to there dino identity in Granger, theres not much really to be honest. I needed to eat and managed to find the only restaurant in town that was inside a little Mexican market and meat shop. I had a great time visiting with the three woman sitting next to me at the second of the only three tables there. I drank a bottle of appeared to be Mexican version of pedialite, that stuff you give to babies when they are sick and need electrolites, which I sure did, it was hot outside. The bonus was it was Horchatta flavored! I love Horchata and used to order the cinnamon rice milk drink at Magie’s, my favorite Mexican joint in my home town. I hope I find that again some day! It wasn’t much further to the next town, I had options, I could have stopped there or gone on but I was in no rush and then my tire popped a quarter mile from the first gas station of the town so it was decided, Sunnyside Washington would be home for the night. I had a hell of a time changing this tire. The one tube I tried to replace it with ended up have a bad valve in it and wouldn’t take air, I only realized this after wasting a buck in quarters and a CO2 figuring it out. When I the bike was finally ridable and put back together I spent a while riding around this big little town. I checked the Big 5 Sports store and the Walmart. Little air guns and pellet guns use CO2 but they don’t screw in so they don’t have threads to use with my tire inflator. So knowing there was nothing left to do I cruised around eyes for a spot to camp. The back of the Walmart had a line of overhead bushes and right behind them was 8 foot lane before a huge endless corn field, it would have been perfect but it was still early, I could use a shower, and didn’t want to not be able to leave my stuff to go eat or get water. Sunnyside RV Resort was a much better option for twenty bucks. I met some wonderful kids too there that were really interested in me, my stuff, harmonica and had all kinds of random ass stories to tell me like, about the bug at school, the treasure he buried in the yard, and the youngest just mumbled stuff constantly. They were are dirty from playing outside all day and not afraid of their curiosity. The six year old gave me a blue magic stone which was one of the half glass marbles from a fish tank, I’m keeping it forever. The guy who ran the place sent me to El Valle for the Lamb Shank and Cadillac Margarita. The lamb was delicious covered in enchilada sauce served with rice and cheesy refried beans, I didn’t need any liquor though so I passed on the Cadillac. I went to bed full and happy I was back on the road and in the full swing of things.

PS. The encouragement from strangers and drivers everyday is amazing, powerful and really helps me push on sometimes when it’s slow. Please take note, If you want to express your excitement about seeing a cyclist on the road and cheer him on, be sure not to begin honking until after you have passed him and he can identify you as an ally by your fist pumping out the window. Ally’s honks don’t sound any different than Asshole’s

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safty · 8 years ago

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I don’t know if it’s convenient at all but here is all the Christmas chapters in To The Rescue in one spot

Make sure you pee before u read

Getting on the road was bleary and difficult the next day, and Seth was really grateful that Roman was taking the wheel. After they started moving and had picked up Seth's things from his apartment, he'd fallen asleep again in the backseat before they'd even left the metro. Days of waking up ridiculously early had caught up to him and Seth was sleeping furiously.

Dean's hand shook his knee and he winced, jolting awake. Both of his boyfriends were staring at him from the front seat of their parked car.

"Want some breakfast babe? Hate to wake you, but I figured you'd want food."

"Huh? Yeah." Seth sat up, wiping drool off his cheek.

Dean grinned. "You were snorin' real loud."

Some coffee, bacon and eggs and he was a little more awake, peering at his surroundings from the window of the Jeep. Seth had never been farther north in the state than Gainesville, and yet things were definitely feeling more 'Southern'.

When they were getting close to Tallahassee, Roman's phone rang and he used the display in his car to answer it.

"Hey mom."

"Hey sweetie, I was just going to run to the store and I was wondering if you were getting close or not?" Roman's mother's voice crackled through the stereo of the car.

"We should be fine... " Roman shrugged, looking to his lovers. Dean and Seth shook their heads.

"Okay! Well, your father's still at work and I might be out when you get in, so if nobody's answering the door, Mandy said she would be home today so you could pop in next door and she can let you in with her key."

"Okay."

"Yeah, and what I did was I got you guys reserved in the basement den. So the couch bed is all made up with the cot and I put some extra blankets down there in case it gets cold. If you guys wanted to put anything in the fridge though, I would use the garage fridge because we got… just a whole big dinner mess in there right now."

"We'll be okay mom. It'll just be another two hours or so," Roman said firmly. "You know us, we can handle it."

"Well of course hun, I just want to be helpful." She sighed. "All the kids will be coming over in the evening and we're doing gingerbread again. It would be really great if you could help out with that. See if Dean wants to be our photographer again."

" Absolutely ," Dean drawled from the front seat. Mrs. Reigns chuckled.

"Well good, I'm so excited to see you guys again and to meet Seth. You in there Seth?"

"Yeah, hi!" Seth piped up, leaning in so he could be heard. "I'm excited to be there!"

"Lovely. We'll see you boys soon, drive safe!"

Spanish moss and woody forests gave way to more open areas, as well as billboard advertisements for marina space and timeshares. Palm trees shifted in a light wind and the sky appeared deep blue and cloudless. Seth cracked his window for a time to get some fresh air. He was feeling a little restless, stuck in the back seat.

"Do you think we'll have time to go to the beach?" Dean asked, looking at Roman over his sunglasses.

"Maybe… it's cold though…"

"It's fifty five!" Seth laughed. "That's fine for a walk!"

"Maybe we can convince Rosey to let us take Harley on a walk or something, I dunno," Roman said, looking to Dean. "You know how it is… Gotta take a guilt trip if we want to go anywhere."

"We can take Milo and Tamar, they're good."

Around 1:30, the highway turned and tilted, rising up sharply. Seth moved closer to the window, peering out and feeling his stomach tighten. They were driving over the ocean and the view made his body feel like it was soaring. Small waves curled and broke below, while pelicans and other sea birds soared high in the air. Pensacola was flat and small, making the sky above it seem enormous and endless.

"I gotta piss." Dean shifted, also looking at the water outside.

"Bad?"

"Not that bad."

"What's that?" Seth asked, pointing out of the window to a huge military complex. Planes were circling the bay area, flying in tight formation. "National guard?"

"Naval base!" Roman said eagerly. "Blue Angels are always flying around."

The planes soared over the highway and Seth sighed, sinking deeper in his seat. Roman merged into the exit lane and he wondered where exactly they would be going. It hadn't occurred to him how quickly they were doing this until they were in the actual town. Seth would be meeting Roman's whole family and they'd only been dating for a few weeks… but then… this week they weren't dating… technically .

They wouldn't be touching each other or really sleeping together. It wasn't as though Seth required a lot of physical contact, but there was certainly a part of him that was starting to initiate it unconsciously. Really, Roman himself was the worst offender, always grabbing them from behind or resting his head on their shoulders. Would they have any slip ups?

"Isn't there a key under the flower pot?" Dean grumbled, crossing his legs. Roman turned off of the main road, pausing at a stop sign.

"There might be, mom forgets about it a lot." Roman shrugged, slowing to a stop and grinning into the mirror. "We're here ."

Seth whipped his head around, watching as Roman and Dean got out, looking up to a large, two story house painted mint green. The lawn was lush and well manicured, but currently, the whole front was adorned with the kind of decorations Seth would call excessive . String lights, a plastic santa with reindeer on the roof, snowmen and candy canes lined the path and face of the house. Mixed with the tropical palms, it was surreal.

Dean jogged ahead of them, running to the front and picking up a flower pot to uncover a key.

"I'll grab my shit, don't sweat," he muttered, getting the door ajar. "I'll be a good boy and flip the seat."

Seth pulled his bag over his shoulder, walking up the path to the now opened door. Roman held it open, smiling.

Everything was very well kept and Seth recognized a familiar scent of glade plugins and fabric softener. Coats and shoes were packed away neatly, the entryway enshrined with a wooden cutout that read LOVE REIGNS in thick block lettering. Immediately, a little dog charged into the room, barking and alert.

"Superman, shush," Roman hissed, poking the little dog back. It panted happily, wagging its tail. Seth could see it had an old, white face.

"He's cute," Seth noted, watching Roman pick up the dog and cradle it in his arm. Nobody else appeared to be around, the house vacant and quiet except for their own footsteps.

"You want the tour?" Roman asked, nudging his shoulder playfully. Seth offered to take Superman, pulling the dog into his arms and letting it lick his neck and beard. He nodded, grinning.

Roman's house was overwhelming even in silence. On every surface in every room, decorations, possessions and photographs seemed to be competing for visual dominance. The living room was a huge circle of chairs and a sofa, an enormous flat screen television and a Christmas tree that looked as though it was pushing up the ceiling. Under the tree, gifts spilled and piled out, flowing almost halfway across the room.

On the coffee table was last year's family Christmas photo. Seth wondered if the cameraman had been forced to back up all the way to the back wall of his studio. In the middle, he picked out the faces of Roman, Dean, and his ex, Bryan.

In fact, there were a lot of photos of Roman and Bryan all around the house. The double refrigerator was covered in pictures, and easily, Seth picked out three photos of the former couple.

On the top of the stairs, an old picture of Bryan and Roman marked the landing and Seth had to stop in his tracks, laughing.

"Do they know yet?" he asked, pointing. Roman rolled his eyes, sighing.

"I've asked, no lie, my mom looks at me and just says then give me a better photo."

He looked at the floor awkwardly and Seth set Superman down on the floor, uncomfortable. The photos of Roman and Bryan were cute, surely, but Seth knew the moment that he and Marek had broken up, his mother had had the decency to take their Christmas card picture off the mantle.

The tension dissolved as soon as they went down the hallway, which was a virtual shrine to Roman and his siblings. His old room had been converted to a guest bedroom, painted a soft blue and carpeted with beige. Seth giggled madly, staring at the array of photos from his childhood that hung around the door frame. Every picture showed a chubby, slightly confused baby with a careful scowl.

"Oh god, you're a ham ," Seth snorted, pointing to a pee wee football photo of Roman with a buzzcut, looking fiercely serious. Roman just blushed, shaking his head.

"You'll see every photo of me ever this weekend. Mom's serious about digging out the albums" he mumbled, continuing down the hall. Seth watched the frames morph into other siblings, showing Roman's sisters and his older brother. Out of the four of them, Roman seemed to be the most serious, face set stony in every photo.

"Okay, I need help " Seth said desperately, turning to the largest photo in the middle of the hall. "Who-"

"Okay," Roman laughed. "Quiz time."

"That's you, I'm not an idiot," Seth scoffed, watching Roman point to himself in a family photo. It had to have been taken some time in the nineties. Roman looked to be in elementary school.

"I'm the youngest, then it's Summer ." Roman pointed to the girl closest to him, her hair long and beautiful like his own. "She's important, you'll see a lot of her this weekend probably. We get along good, I like her husband a lot and her kids are adorable."

"Okay, Summer. Summer Reigns ." Seth chuckled.

"Exactly! It's dumb so you'll remember!" Roman laughed. "And then, there's Vanessa. She and my mom fight all the time and she owns a nail salon."

"Vanessa," Seth repeated, looking at a taller, larger girl that was resting her head on her mother's lap in the photo.

"Rosey," Roman said, pointing to the oldest boy, who was huge compared to everyone else in the photo, probably teenaged. Roman's face looked cold. "He lives next door with his family."

"That's it? You're not close with him?" Seth smirked, looking between the two brothers in the picture. "We don't talk that much, no." His mouth twitched. "There's a big age gap and all, but I dunno. We just don't have a lot in common." Roman turned to his parents in the photo, pointing to a large, older man with long hair and a greying beard.

"My dad is Sika and he runs a shipping and distribution company. Once he retires, Rosey's going to sell the restaurant he owns and take it over. Lisa-" he shifted his hand to a blonde, well kept woman. "She has a real estate license, but mostly she's just a homemaker. Super grandma. Watches all the grandkids and does stuff with church to help with other people's kids. I think by existing , me and all my siblings are just supposed to have as many kids as possible."

"Really?" Seth laughed, taking in the large photographer with new eyes. "That's… crazy… do you want kids?"

Roman bit his lip, a complicated look on his face. He blinked and nodded. Despite the moment's hesitation, Seth thought he was sincere.

"No pressure or nothin'," Roman said lowly, passing by the door at the end of the hall and knocking hard. "Uce, you good?"

"Takin' a shit. Sorry," Dean muttered from beyond the door.

They both laughed and kept walking, making their way down the stairs at the end of the hall, coming back out into the kitchen.

"That must be why you're always fuckin' me so good," Seth purred, giving his ass a pat. "Trying to knock me up or something."

" Jesus ," Roman snorted, laughing. "I need a drink, you good?"

They went out into the garage, making sure Superman didn't slip through the backdoor. Seth followed, watching Roman make his way to a refrigerator, popping open the door and looking inside. He crept closer, wanting to keep the mood light. The way Roman was talking and moving around made Seth wonder how comfortable he really was having Dean and Seth there. Dean obviously seemed fine, but Roman definitely seemed on edge, like he was holding tension in his body and walking in small steps.

Seth supposed all families were different; he didn't want to be too quick to judge.

"Miller lite? Natty Ice?" Roman offered, picking through beers. "Nah?"

"Nah, I'm fine." Seth shook his head, leaning his weight toward Roman as he picked out a beer. They nearly started as the garage door shuddered open, shifting onto the ceiling as a gray SUV pulled up the driveway and into the stall.

They broke apart and Roman waved. Seth could see an older woman inside, smiling and waving back excitedly behind a pair of sunglasses. Lisa , Seth repeated in his head, sure it was Roman's mother.

"You're here! I saw the Jeep!" She pulled out of the car, not bothering to pull the keys from the ignition before hopping down to throw her small arms around her son. They embraced and she rocked him, moaning with happiness before planting a kiss on his cheek. "How was the drive?"

"Fine, we got up early enough." Roman shrugged. "We just got in a second ago, haven't even gone downstairs yet."

"And you must be Seth!"

"Yeah, hey!" Seth turned pink, trying to follow suit as Lisa pulled him in for an identical hug, unmistakably feeling him carefully. "Thank you… so much for inviting me!"

"Absolutely! We want Roman to bring the people he cares about. It's so good to meet you! You boys breaking into the beers already? Where's Dean?"

Seth blinked, but Roman seemed quick on the uptake, following his mother back to her car.

"Yeah, upstairs. Did you want a hand? We still gotta unpack the car, but I can help you out and they can grab the rest-"

"Seth dear, why don't you help me-" Lisa turned to him, eyes wide and hopeful. "It's really not much- Roman, why don't you get your things because you know where everything goes."

Before anyone could answer, she had pressed two grocery bags into Seth's hands.

"Lots of powdered sugar! We made so much gingerbread, we knew we were going to have to get more if we wanted all the little houses to be put together right-"

Mutely, Seth followed Lisa back into the house, awkwardly trying to hold the door open for her. Roman hung back, face tight and jaw set as he pushed the button for the garage door so he could make his way back to his car.

"Thank you so much dear!" Lisa sighed as Seth set the bags down on the kitchen counter. Superman panted, walking between their feet. "Now, where did Roman say you were from again? Illinois?"

The next people to arrive at the house were Roman's nieces and nephews, children of his brother Rosey. Seth assisted Lisa, trying his best to be helpful and communicative, and Dean rejoined them after grabbing their things from the car. The back door slammed hard and a boy and a girl came racing in, backpacks on their shoulders.

"Grandma! Can we go to our friend's tonight?" the girl asked, pleading. They each glanced to Seth and Dean momentarily, but seemed entirely focused on their request, panting hard. "Nevah and Sam- they said we could come to their house and their parents got them the new Rock Band! Dad said we had to ask you!"

"The whole family is going to be here tonight! Why do you want to go there?" Lisa asked. "Everyone is going to miss you!"

"Jordan's not coming 'till seven because of football!" the boy piped up. "We don't care about gingerbread!"

" Now , you two were supposed to be my helpers." Lisa sighed, staring intently to the children. "I'm sure you'll have plenty of other opportunities to go and see your friends, but this is family time! Uncle Roman's already here and all your cousins are coming!"

The kids pouted, stamping their feet. Roman chuckled, setting a beer down in front of Dean.

"It's not fair!" the boy said, screwing up his face and swinging his bag. "We're gonna be around family all of break! Why can't we do tonight?"

"Koa, you know Grandpa would want you to be there, do you want to make him sad?"

"Why don't you go over there until dinner?" Roman proposed. "Come back before eight or so."

"Can we do that Grandma?" the girl asked, nodding quickly. Lisa sighed, shooting Roman a withering look.

" No , that's the final answer. Go put your bags down at home and make sure you get here before your aunties show up, ok?"

Koa and the girl left, sulking as they stomped to the back door with their bags dragging on the floor. Roman sighed, toying with the salt and pepper shakers on the counter.

"Is Dad coming home early today?" Roman asked, trying to divert his mother's souring mood as she pulled pans down from the counter, looking annoyed.

"No, Jimmy and Jey are picking up Nia from the airport, so that's all sorted out. Really, Summer and Vanessa probably won't be here for another hour or two, so it's no rush. Everyone else will be here either tomorrow or on Christmas morning."

"Buffet for tonight?" Dean asked, sipping off his drink.

"Yup, buffet tonight and tomorrow it looks like. I'm saving all my energy for Christmas."

Roman showed Seth downstairs where they were sleeping, effectively finishing the tour as the sun began to set. The basement was warm and well finished, with another gigantic TV and a small bookshelf. More pictures lined the walls, showing vacations and moments that were likely captured when Lisa and Sika were just married.

"What's the buffet?" Seth asked, pushing his bag to the side of the fold out couch and looking at the large cot wearily. He felt a little overwhelmed.

"This Chinese place down the road," Dean answered, plopping down on the bed and curling his toes. "They do a lot of seafood and stuff, it's good."

"Yeah, we like to do that a lot just so everyone's fed and there's no bother," Roman explained, looking to Seth carefully. "Sorry if my mom's a little overbearing, but I think she really likes you, honest."

"Yeah, no, I wasn't concerned about that..." Seth shook his head. "It's all good."

They watched television for a little while, zoning out to some show about deep sea diving on the Discovery Channel until it became obvious people were arriving upstairs. Dean and Roman seemed intent on refreshing drinks and Seth obliged as well. He hadn't been in much of a drinking mood, but something about the energy in the house told him he'd do well to keep a little buzzed to remain social.

" Hey brother!"

One of Roman's sister's clasped him in a huge hug at the top of the stairs, effectively blocking Dean and Seth from reaching the landing. In her arms, she was carrying a baby, and a huge purse was slung around her shoulder.

"Vanessa," Roman introduced her to Seth, taking the baby and smiling. Vanessa beamed, hugging him while Dean nodded to her husband, a tanned, slightly overweight white guy wearing a trucker hat and jeans.

"It's great to meet you." Seth nodded, hearing children from the front door again.

They mingled, and suddenly, everyone was there at once. Looking out the window, cars were parking on the street and Dean took the cue to hold the door, greeting everyone with a half smile as they hauled their roller bags over the front. Superman barked, nearly getting stepped on every few minutes.

"Dean, my man!"

Two nearly identical men with long hair and facial hair similar to Roman's clapped Dean on the back. They laughed loudly, carrying luggage over their shoulders.

A little lost, Seth hovered close to Roman, hoping for an introduction.

"Jimmy and Jey," Roman explained, "My cousins."

Behind them, a large woman with wavy brown hair came in, looking a little haggard, but excited. She looked behind her, muttering something, and a smaller woman followed.

Seth blinked, smiling as they made eye contact. The first woman was obviously Samoan, but her friend was Japanese.

"Nia! You made it!" Lisa came in, pulling the larger woman close to embrace. Dean melted against the wall, trying to make space.

"Yeah, the flight wasn't too bad. The only issue was we had to do some run around to get our bags."

Nia said something in Japanese and the other woman smiled, nodding and bowing to Lisa.

" This is Asuka."

Seth's heart sank, eyes darting around as names came shooting out like popcorn. It was hopeless , there was no way he could remember everything, but he did his part in greeting everyone and making sure he wasn't in the way. Koa and his sister returned, looking slightly sour as Lisa told them to take coats from everyone. A little boy ran between Seth's legs and chased after Vanessa, yelling.

The baby in Roman's arms yawned and peered up at him. Seth couldn't help but feel a tingle of saccharine joy, seeing his boyfriend holding his infant niece.

"Penelope," Roman said, nodding to the little girl. "I might be full of it, but I still think she likes me best."

"She's cute,” Seth agreed, watching as yet another couple came in through the front door.

"Roman!"

"Hey, hey."

A comparatively smaller woman hugged him and Seth supposed she had to be Summer, his last sister. Dean looked exasperated, pushing the door fully open again, but not before a man came through the door and grinned at him.

"Hey Dean! We got this, it's okay." He gestured to his two sons, ushering them in through the door. "C'mon kids, you were just complainin' about how cold it was…"

"Dean!" one of the little boys cheered, jumping up and down. "Up Up Up!"

" Milo ," Dean sang, immediately hoisting the young boy into his arms. "What's up kid?"

"Mom said! Mom-" Milo laughed, "Mom said you might not come!"

"I'm here, ain' I?"

For about twenty minutes, everyone was just milling around, shaking hands and getting settled. In his head, Seth tried memorizing names, attempting to engrain them all in his brain. The hands around his beer were sweating and he was sure he looked stupid, leaning on the wall until he was in the way, then leaning on the bannister. Eventually, Roman handed him Penelope and Seth took her with some hesitation while Roman left to see to something upstairs.

"Are there more people?" Seth asked Dean, rubbing an unsure hand over the baby's back and trying to steer clear of the children running around. Dean shrugged.

"Roman's brother and dad will come, but I think that's it, at least for tonight. More people will come later."

They all came to sit in the living room, pulling up seats wherever they could be found. Vanessa rescued Penelope from Seth, and Roman rejoined them bearing more drinks. His face was a little rosy, but Seth was glad he wasn't worrying about his boyfriends. Everything seemed to be going fine.

Dean and Seth just sat on the floor, folding up small as everyone came to pile even more gifts under the tree, emptying out bags with wrapped presents. The children cheered, picking through the boxes, much to Lisa's annoyance.

"Come and sit everyone, Grandma wants to take a picture!" She beamed, pulling on a pair of glasses to see her phone and eagerly snapping a few photos of all the kids crammed against the coffee table. "Jordan's not here. We can do some phone magic and just put him in later, right?"

The dynamics were pretty much as Roman had described, and it was fascinating to see all of the family together talking. Seth and Dean didn't really have much to add, but they listened and drank.

"How was Hawaii? You haven't told us yet!" Lisa asked of Summer and her husband, Trevor. The attention of the group shifted to the couple sitting together on the couch.

"It was great! I think we're going to go back in a few years if we can manage it." Summer beamed, looking to Trevor. "We don't know about doing an all-inclusive again, but-"

"Yeah, it would be great if we could see some of the other islands or something," he said. "But those are a lil' more pricey."

"We should do a cruise one year!" Lisa said, drinking from her wine. "Haven't I been saying that? God, I would love to take your girls and Mandy or something. Nani, my friend, you know? She got a huge deal on a trip that loops around the Bahamas and comes right back through here. I just haven't had a vacation in so long!"

"Yeah, well," Summer shrugged animatedly, looking to each of her siblings. "Vacations are expensive..."

They all grinned knowingly and Seth had to stop himself from giggling. It was so obviously Roman's family- he could see traces of his lover in each of the people sitting in the circle. Jimmy, Jey and the young boys all surely looked like they'd been cut from the same tree, but all the women mirrored Roman's assured way of talking. The way his mother laughed, spreading her lips and bearing all of her teeth was so distinctly Roman, it made Seth's chest feel bubbly.

"When are we making houses?" Milo asked, leaning on his father's knee and wobbling around.

"We can do that now! We have a few hours before dinner. I think Rosey said he was on his way?" Lisa checked her phone. "We just need to make up some frosting and we'll be good!"

Dean immediately stood up, clinking his beer glass and letting Milo and his brother giggle and pull on his arms. Seth smiled again; he watched Dean work with kids all day at the pool, but Seth could tell he really liked the little boys.

"We'll make a ginger mansion ," Dean said gruffly, playfully bonking Milo with the bottle. "Gingerbread jacuzzi ."

Seth rose up too, happy to do whatever he could. He knew he was probably being a little too quiet, but he was always a little shy in large groups.

"Roman? Nia? Did you guys want to help too, then?" Lisa asked. "Give the moms and dads a break?"

Nia said something in half japanese, half english and Asuka nodded.

The last time Seth had made a gingerbread house was when he was in first grade and he'd done it at school. He remembered bringing a bag of mini marshmallows to share, as his teacher had requested. It was a fun project for one of the last days of class before the holiday break, but sadly, his house was smashed on the bus ride home and he cried to his mother about it all evening.

Now, Seth didn't really care much about making his own house, but Roman, a little tipsy and playful, began constructing a house with gingerbread slabs and invited his lovers to work on it.

"Dean is helping us!" Tamar argued, grabbing unwrapped chocolate kisses and throwing them in his mouth. Dean nodded wisely, mixing up some frosting and sitting between the two boys.

"Seth's a better architect, I'm sure," Dean mumbled, holding a gingerbread square and letting Milo apply globs of frosting.

Koa and his sister Madison didn't really seem to care much about making houses, but sat down to work anyway, feasting on candy and waiting for Lisa to hand them some cookie pieces. Nia and Asuka sat down next to Seth and smiled, looking at the array.

"So… you guys are from… Cali?" Seth tried, trying for some sort of conversation. Asuka nodded happily.

"Yeah! We just flew in today. We haven't been to Florida before! In the bay, it's a lot more chilly, so it's a nice break," Nia said, picking up some gumdrops and collecting the pink and white ones. "My family isn't very supportive… so we took Lisa up on her invitation."

"Oh, okay." Seth nodded, remembering that Roman had told him about a gay cousin. "Good to meet you guys."

Roman giggled at his shoulder and Seth turned, watching him constructing some sort of triangle.

"What are you doing? That's so wrong," he laughed, turning the plate to see the weird little teepee from all angles. "This is all off."

Lisa put on Christmas music and they all worked. Seth was a little short on elbow room, sitting next to Nia and Roman, but he made it work, disassembling Roman's bizarre creation and putting together a neat, square little house. Dean was mostly letting Milo and Tamar stick m&m's and gumdrops to everything, stacking the gingerbread roof neatly.

"Hey Jordan!"

Seth looked over his shoulder and a teenaged boy was standing in the kitchen, dressed in a large hoodie and sweats. Lisa put a hand on his back, patting him, and Roman turned around to nod to his nephew.

"Just get done with practice?"

"Yup." Jordan looked at each person and slowly stalked off, going back to the living room. Seth smiled, he remembered being in high school.

Roman was just sticking a licorice trim to the bottom of the house when an enormous man came in the door, following Jordan's path and pulling Lisa into a side hug.

"We about ready to go soon?" he asked, taking a look at all the houses. "Uncle Afa wasn't coming, was he?"

"Not tonight."

Roman nodded to the man and Dean didn't even bother to look up. Milo and Tamar burst out laughing as Dean painted a face on the side of the house in frosting.

"Is that Rosey?" Nia asked quietly as soon as the man left. "I haven't seen him in ages !"

"Yeah, that's him," Roman confirmed. "He cut his hair two years ago."

"Yeah, now it's just you rockin' the locks. You and Sika."

"Oh Roman, that's such a nice house!" Lisa admired, coming over. Immediately she whipped out her phone. Respectfully, Seth moved over, giving Roman some space to be seen.

"Oh Seth, get closer! You two are darling!" Lisa chirped. "I think we'll have to put your house on the mantle tomorrow."

"We want to go on the mantle!" Milo yelled, balancing his body weight between the chair and the table and swinging back and forth. "1243! Gumdrop Avenue!"

Lisa took pictures of all the gingerbread houses before they tried to clean up a little, putting the frosting bowls in the sink to soak and organizing the candy. Seth felt a little strange, going to wash his hands, but he had eaten a lot of peppermint patties, so he just assumed it was sugar.

Dean elected to drive the Jeep, not that Roman was really drunk, but Roman and Seth both sat in the back together. Having a moment away from all the noise and commotion of the family was appreciated.

"You guys doin' okay?" Roman asked, leaning towards the driver's seat. "My fam's picking up the check like the always do."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Seth said, stroking his beard. Dean just nodded. "Was there… any reason you didn't want them to know about all this yet?"

"They… don't even know Dean's living with me," Roman sighed, sinking back and running a hand through his hair. "It's complicated obviously. That house is technically owned by them, so they… have a lot of say about it."

"It's a little soon still," Dean said quietly.

"Yeah, of course." Seth shrugged. "I just… everyone seems so nice…"

"Eh, wait till the first fight," Roman said hesitantly. "Nobody's mean , we're just… we're a big family with a bunch of egos… Everyone has an opinion."

Roman's hands fell on Seth's thigh, rubbing comfortingly. Seth smiled, warming to the touch. He pulled his hand over Roman's and held it carefully.

The Chow Tyme China Buffet just barely had a large enough parking lot to contain every member of the Reigns family. Palm trees shook lightly in the calm breeze, and Seth could smell the ocean in the distance. As they entered, they drew the attention of everyone around. The children were loud, and Roman, Dean and Seth hung in the back, content to let Lisa take charge of everything.

"Oh, and Sika's already here!" She laughed, pointing to the huge table that had been assembled in the middle of the dining area. An older man with long white hair was sitting at the front, his fingers folded in front of him. He waved, nodding to his family.

Seth thought they would all disperse and grab food, but instead, they all sat, preparing a drink order. Lisa sat next to Sika and Roman came over to greet his father, so they ended up close to the head of the table.

"You can sit here, dear," Lisa offered, pulling out a chair and smiling to Seth. "Roman always puts his elbows on the table and boxes me in."

"Don't know where he gets it from," Sika said, chuckling. He nodded to Seth, but Seth stuck out his hand, trying to make the best first impression.

"Seth Rollins," he said firmly, bowing his head a little. Sika shook it.

As soon as they were all settled, Lisa put her hands on the table, insisting everyone join together. Mutely, Seth mimicked her, looking around.

"Devin, you say grace this time," Sika instructed, looking to Vanessa's husband carefully.

Devin fumbled, quickly tugging off his trucker hat and looking to his wife, bowing his head.

"Bless us oh lord… thy gifts we are about to receive… from… thy bounty… through Christ our lord."

"Amen," everyone echoed. Seth curled his lip, looking around. He'd forgotten Roman's family was so religious, but then, he guessed he should have expected something with all of the Catholic decorations all over the house. He'd swear he'd seen a crucifix in every room, along with the usual decor that said something to the effect of Christ and Blessing lining most of the picture frames in the house.

Dean looked similarly out of place, waiting to see who would rise for food first.

The whole dinner itself took probably two and a half hours, with everyone making the most of the all-you-can-eat options. Lisa fussed over everything, going to each grandchild in turn before getting her own plate, and making sure everyone was comfortable. Sika sat patiently, observing everything and sipping from his water while the individual families helped themselves. Seth watched carefully as he seemed to shift between his children, his neck rotating slowly as he surveyed the scene.

Sika was a very quiet and reserved man, but when he spoke, everyone seemed to harken to him. With each of his children, he made direct conversation, diverting the attention of the group to individuals as he saw fit.

"Well, now's as good a time as ever," Rosey said, turning to his wife after finishing an explanation of Jordan's football ambitions. Jordan himself sat quietly, eating crabcakes.

"Yes, well," Mandy said, smiling mischievously. "We're expecting again."

"You are?!" Lisa nearly slapped her plate on the floor in her urgency to be closer to her daughter-in-law. Everyone around the table applauded, with the exception of Rosey's children who just looked annoyed.

"Summer baby." Rosey nodded. "We're actually thinking of… well… doing Lisa or Sika for names."

Everyone raised their glasses, saying Manuia! and toasting the family. Lisa dried her eyes while Rosey just looked smugly around the table, earning a smile and nod from his father.

Eight now? Seth saw Jimmy mouth to Jey, looking speechless.

"That is very good to hear," Sika said, turning to his other son. "Roman, you are feeling better?"

"Huh? Oh-" Roman nodded, wiping his mouth. "Yeah... I felt better a while ago."

"How are chickens?"

"Just… just the one. She's good."

"Oh... that is good."

Sika drank from his glass and continued to eat, leaving a sort of absence in the air. Vanessa began asking Mandy about the baby, and Nia translated bits of conversation for Asuka. Seth looked at Roman, a little bemused, and then he felt eyes on the back of his own head.

"Your family is far away?" Sika asked Seth, "You are like Roman? You moved away?"

"Oh, yes," Seth said quickly. "My whole family, they live in the Midwest… I came down to Florida for a change."

"That is hard, to move away," Sika said. "I am always telling Roman, he will come back soon. After he and Dan stop living together, I thought he would come back home."

"He… his house-" Seth tried, trying to steer clear of any uncomfortable topics. "His house is very nice," he swallowed. "So is yours, you have a beautiful family. I don't think I've ever met such a bunch of happy people."

"Thank you," Sika said seriously. "Roman is a good man. He is very-" Sika gestured, and Seth was almost positive Roman was staring back at him. "He is very confused , but he has very good friends."

Seth nodded awkwardly, turning his attention to his food. He wasn't really sure what Sika meant, but there wasn't any good way to ask about it.

"Hey Lisa," Dean mumbled, looking around Seth. "Can you pass the soy sauce?"

The rhythm of the meal, it seemed, was to get full, wait around and listen to conversation, drink, and then keep eating. Seth was already uncomfortably full by eight thirty, but Lisa kept offering him almond cookies from her plate. Rosey, Jimmy, Jey and Roman all seemed to be in brotherly competition, stacking their plates high and putting food away quickly.

"Another beer sir?" the waitress asked Seth. He politely declined, waving his hand.

"Well, you can all thank me for having hot water at the house tonight," Lisa said animatedly over her third glass of wine. "It's been a nightmare , I'm tellin' you. Now, I had to go to take Superman to get groomed and then swing by the plumbing company because I wanted to show them the photo of my pressure relief valve, because I thought it was broken, right? You kids remember how bad it was when you guys were in high school? Well, it was doing that again -"

"Mom, you really don't need to tell the whole story," Vanessa laughed. "It's fixed… that's the ending."

"-Not five minutes away from my car, I have this lady storming into the office of the plumbers and she's accusing me of animal abuse because I left Superman in the car! I mean, just yelling and saying that if I took any more time, she was going to break my window!"

" Oh my god ," Vanessa mouthed. Seth smiled and Dean nodded eagerly, trying to be supportive.

"Now, I had just planned to be in there for a moment, right? I had my phone out and I was trying to explain the problem, but this lady would not leave it be!"

"Mom, if you used the kennel crate I had gotten for you, this wouldn't be an issue!" Vanessa said, looking to the group. "Like, every time I go out with her and we bring Superman, we get called animal abusers because she won't crate this dog."

"If I put him in there, he will bark the entire time! Anyways-" Lisa continued, largely only addressing Dean at this point.

"Because you have to crate train him!" Vanessa laughed, rolling her eyes. "You spoil that dog so bad mom."

Trevor looked to Summer and Summer sighed, chuckling under her breath. Roman blinked, peering down at his plate.

"I do not spoil him! We always had him in the front seat and it's never been an issue until the last few years! He's not a big dog like your dog, I don't need to crate train him!"

And just like that, a screaming match nearly started in the middle of the restaurant, with every family taking cover in their own way. Lisa and Vanessa both were gesturing madly across the table, hurling insults at each other while Sika sat, poised and calm. Devin looked to the tablecloth stupidly, occasionally catching eyes with his son until Penelope began to cry and he went to assist her. Trevor took Milo and Tamar to the soft serve machine and Mandy stroked her daughter's hair, bored.

Roman, detached and unaffected, sat sipping his beer with an uncomplicated smile on his face.

"Can we not do this right now? Mom, are you effing kidding me?" Vanessa scoffed, running her manicured hands down her face. "Every goddamn time-"

"Do. Not. Use that type of language," Lisa said dangerously. " You're the one making a scene!"

"Mom, I was just telling you how to deal with your friggin dog! I wasn't trying to assault your intelligence! You were just talking about this to us last week, can you treat me like an adult?"

Highly uncomfortable, Seth saw the bathroom sign in the corner and shuffled off. By the time he had returned, Vanessa was in tears and the bill was paid.

"Sika always makes her apologize and then she always cries," Dean said under his breath to Seth. "You didn't miss much."

It was a very strange sight to Seth, who wasn't used to any such hysterics, but Dean and Roman seemed completely unaffected, shuffling out of the restaurant and bidding goodbye to all the siblings that were returning to their homes.

"Dean! We're in the play this year!" Milo said, spinning in circles by the gumball dispensers outside. "You have to see us!"

"What? Oh." Dean squinted. "The Christmas one?"

"We're shepherds!" Tamar said, opening up every dispenser flap to try to find a prize. "We don't have to say anything."

"Christmas play?" Seth asked, watching the boys run out to the car as Trevor pulled up in a Tahoe.

"Yeah, on Christmas Eve the kids do a play at their church." Dean nodded. "We do that, and then we go to fuckin' mass in the morning."

" Seriously ?" Seth asked quietly. The trip was starting to feel like a marathon. The whole family was discussing the photos they'd be taking the next day and Seth started to wonder if he'd be getting much sleep at all. Roman reappeared, tossing his keys back to Dean as they shuffled off.

"Just us, Jimmy, Jey, Nia and Asuka tonight." he sighed, rubbing his nose. "Breakfast should be pretty easy."

"I ate so much, I'm not gunna shit 'till Christmas," Dean snorted, opening up the door to the Jeep and sliding in.

"Well, my dad likes you too," Roman said, grinning to Seth. "He was just paying- said he really liked talking to you."

"Oh… great," Seth mumbled, sliding into the back again. "I don't think I'm ever not impressive. I just have to actually talk is all. You're sure your sister's okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, she's fine," Roman laughed. "They all know their lines by now, they've been doing this all their lives."

"Does that only happen with her?" Seth asked, buckling in. Roman slung a hand around his back, slumping in his seat.

"Nah, well, it only happens with her constantly . Dad butts heads with Rosey and me sometimes, but he's not like mom. Summer probably gets it the easiest, she's just smart enough not to engage."

It was only a few blocks back to the house, but Seth fully relaxed into Roman's hold, letting his head bob back while the car carried them out. The night sky was much brighter than in Orlando, as Pensacola was so much smaller. The stars were beautiful, peeking through the clouds.

"Almost Christmas," Dean noted, turning down the church choir music that was playing softly on the radio. They all nodded, sleepy and full.

Cramming into the car early the next day and getting to a shopping mall downtown was a blur. That night, Dean had agreed to take the cot, and Roman and Seth slept on the pull out couch, falling asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows. But only after Jimmy and Jey had kept them up till past midnight, telling stories and drinking beers.

It took Seth several tries to get his button down fastened correctly, without missing any holes. He yawned and blinked, eventually just throwing a sweater over the whole thing anyway.

"Good morning boys!" Lisa greeted them in the kitchen, her face layered with makeup. "Grits and biscuits!"

More heavy food, and Seth was nearly passing out on top of Dean in the car. He shuddered awake when Roman pressed a coffee into his hand.

"Hazelnut, right?" Roman asked. Seth nodded, sitting up and taking a long drink from the cup.

When they arrived at Sears and arrived at the photo area, Vanessa's family was running late, so Lisa called her, shrieking over the phone while Sika stared absently at the shoe department. Seth was really glad that Roman's family had invited him for pictures, but if he'd had the option, he would have gladly stayed at the house and slept in.

"She's on her way up," Lisa said, shaking her head and trying to fix her hair again. "I suppose we could get our individual ones out of the way."

Rosey's family went first, getting a few pictures with his wife and then just the children, then everyone together, alternating poses and angles. Dean sat on his phone, looking similarly tired.

"We weren't supposed't pick up Grandma were we?" Jey asked, looking to Jimmy fearfully. Jimmy froze, but then relaxed.

"Shit, no, don't scare me like that." Jimmy laughed. "She's getting breakfast with Uncle Afa."

Gradually, the store was becoming busier and Seth just sipped his coffee and kneaded his forehead, plopping down next to Dean and trying not to look too broody. It didn't take Roman long to walk over and sit down on the floor with them, tapping their feet with his fingers.

"Sorry this is such an ordeal," he apologized, pulling his hair over his shoulder. "I think we're doing the food court for lunch and then we'll have some down time before dinner."

"No prob," Dean mumbled, shifting and blinking hard. "Coffee'll kick in inna sec here, I'm fine."

Seth hadn't realized it, but he and Roman had almost worn the same thing. Dark grey sweaters and black slacks. Dean was wearing a long sleeve blue shirt and khakis, looking almost corporate casual.

"Y'all wearin' that to church tomorrow too?" Jey asked, pacing the area. "I ain' brought enough clothes, I'm gunna have to run home or somethin'..."

"Why're you even stayin' the night?" Dean asked. "Don't you live a few miles away?"

"So I don't get another DUI," Jimmy said, chuckling quietly.

"Are we DONE yet?" Tamar asked, bouncing out of the photo studio in front of his family. Summer and her boys had just finished.

"We gotta do the family ones, but we can go look at toys in the meantime," Trevor said, looking to Summer. She nodded and waved at Roman.

"I think y'all are up to bat." She gestured to the group. "Jimmy and Jey can sneak in."

"We'll see what mom wants." Roman sighed, standing up. Seth, Dean, Jimmy and Jey followed him into the studio room where Lisa was standing outside.

"Vanessa's still not here? Great ," she huffed, pulling Roman into the room. "You look fantastic , sweetheart."

Seth and Dean hovered, unable to keep from grinning as Roman did a few individual shots, looking stormy and serious until the photographer put a hand to his mouth, gesturing to smile. Roman cheesed, his eyes immediately falling slack, his lips revealing straight, even teeth.

"Uce, stop seducing us," Jey teased, laughing as Roman puffed out his chest and pulled his hair back.

"Boys, why don't you go in too then-" Lisa nodded, walking the twins onto the set and posing them as she liked. Roman stood in the middle on a riser while Jimmy and Jey framed him. Lisa then frowned, guiding Seth up to stand alongside her son, having Dean stand below them on the floor.

"That's great, with... the heights." She nodded, pulling back. The photographer motioned and they focused their gazes toward the camera.

"Perfect, and then, maybe… just family?" Lisa suggested. Dean and Seth stepped down, wordlessly. Seth had no ambition to go and wander the mall until the group photo rolled around. He was fine to wait in the lobby area.

"Oh- but, Seth-" Lisa stopped, leaning in close and rolling her lips. "Would you want to get a photo? Just you and Roman?"

"Huh?"

"We could do a set of you and Roman, would you be interested in that?"

Seth blinked, and he turned his head slightly. Dean was standing by the photo desk, looking at examples for framing options, bored. Suddenly, he realized what was being insinuated and he had no idea what to do.

"If you don't want to, that's okay," Lisa said slowly, "I just thought I should ask ."

"Oh… no… I mean." Seth coughed, looking back at the studio. "I… should uh… you should ask Roman."

"...Alright," Lisa said, looking confused. She turned, making her way back into the studio.

None of them could have anticipated this, but Seth wasn't fully panicking just yet. His reaction hadn't been great, and now it probably really looked as though there was something suspect going on. But Seth hadn't thought about having to clarify this kind of assumption. Yes , he and Roman were dating… but… not by themselves.

Confused and unable to move past the awkward moment, Seth wanted to quip something to Dean, see if he could confirm this belief- but Lisa reappeared.

"Let's do it!" Lisa said, smiling bright. Roman followed in her wake, popping his head out of the door, looking alert. Seth caught his eye, brow furrowed.

What the fuck was going on?

"Can we have Dean come too?" Seth tried, looking to Dean and nodding. Dean looked up from the binder of sample photos he was peering at, completely oblivious to what was happening.

Lisa froze, looking between them.

"I… suppose…"

The three of them stood and Seth was now really sweating under the hard lights of the cameras. Purposefully, Seth stood next to Dean, trying to use him as a barrier.

However, Lisa had a vision.

"Is this-" She set a hand on Roman's shoulder. "This… how we want it?"

Seth looked at Roman again, completely disregarding the awkwardness of having his mother on the spot. Roman swallowed, looking between Dean and Seth. It was unnerving; he didn't look terribly confused or apologetic.

"This works," Roman said quietly, breaking eye contact with Seth to smile for the camera.

"Smile everyone," the cameraman instructed, frying their eyes with light.

"Nia's… next then…" Lisa muttered, distracted. "Would you boys grab them?"

Roman said something, but Seth didn't bother looking back. He wasn't sure what he was feeling, but his sweater was suffocating him.

"Your mom-" Seth blurted the moment they'd made their way out to the lobby. "Does she think- She sounded like-"

"Yeah, I know ." Roman sighed, looking between Dean and Seth. "I didn't SAY we were, I just like… let her think we were, okay?"

"Huh?" Dean blinked. "What's up?"

The more Seth thought about it, the more it made sense. The framing of their photos, the honeyed voice, preferential treatment, extra helpings at breakfast. It was subtle, Seth had just assumed it was the kindness of an excitable mother, but then, Dean didn't really receive the same magic.

"Okay, so, when I first told her you were coming, she sort of asked and I didn't know how to handle it," Roman explained. "I never said yes mom, we're dating I framed it like, oh you never know …"

Seth looked scandalized, eyes wide with fear, but immediately Roman pushed back.

"Look! I told you already! I didn't want to tell them everything yet! I just wanted this to all be simple and easy. We come here, we do the holidays, I kinda get everyone used to seeing the three of us, right? This is a lot for my family to handle!"

"Well, now you gotta tell her the truth!" Seth hissed, trying to keep quiet so they weren't noticed. "It's just… it's not fair-"

"I don't give a shit." Dean shrugged. Seth looked at him and Dean frowned. "Look, it's just family, you tell them whatever you gotta to get them off your back!"

"How is this okay with you?" Seth pleaded. "Are you serious? You just don't care that they don't see us together?"

"We wasn't-" Dean laughed. "We weren't gonna be a couple this whole weekend anyway. We agreed to that."

Summer craned his neck in their direction, looking curious. Seth bit his lip, taking half a step back.

"I'm not comfortable with this." Seth shook his head. "No. I don't like it. What are we supposed to say when we really want to tell the truth? Won't it just-"

"We are definitely not worrying about that now ," Roman said firmly. "And I'm definitely not making a scene here ."

The tightness of it, the pitch of the tone made Seth's heart sink in his chest. Dean looked to the ground, exhaling. Roman looked almost predatory, his face set, arms folded.

Seth didn't know what to do, and so he simply walked away, brushing past them to continue down the tiled floor, past the jewelry section toward the exit. He could feel Roman and Dean watching him leave, perhaps shocked, but Seth felt justified. In his head, his pulse beat fast. He didn't know where he was walking or what he was supposed to be doing, but sitting in the photo lounge wasn't what he wanted.

Is this our first fight? Seth thought, chuckling darkly as he stopped between a Dunkin Donuts and a AT&T wireless stand. There wasn't anything in the mall that was particularly appealing to him, but ahead, there was a circle of benches in front of a crappy little fountain.

He sat, whipping out his phone on instinct. If it wasn't Christmas Eve, Seth would have thought about talking to Cesaro, Sasha or Jimmy. Everyone he knew was likely doing similar activities at the moment- spending time with family and doing holiday things. Seth didn't know how long he was going to sit out- if the family photo would go on without him or not, but at least at the moment, he didn't care.

How could Roman not see the problems with this? It made no sense. Dean had specifically talked to Roman about how he was afraid that he and Seth would forget about him. Even though Dean said he didn't care, Seth knew him well enough now that he could see when he was lying. It was written all over his face.

What bothered Seth the most though, was just that by being complicit, he felt so dirty. He was trying to be more open and honest about his feelings, and since cheating on Marek, Seth thought that he had learned his lesson. Reflexively, he still hid, still had issues being forthcoming with his feelings, but it was all a process.

Seth leaned back, sure that he looked weird sitting all by himself. He pulled his fingers through his hair, untangling a few knots, trying to calm down his heart and mind.

"You okay?"

Seth jumped. Dean was standing behind him, sipping on an Orange Julius.

"I just... need a second."

Dean sighed, turning to come to the front of the bench, leaning on the little fountain and looking to the ground again. His face looked tired, maybe a little annoyed, but mostly just worn.

"I asked Rome-" Dean sniffed. "I asked him why he couldn't just tell his ma' that me and you were dating, just to like, get the heat off his parents." He kneaded his forehead. "That kinda fucked him up a little."

"Yeah?" Seth's eyes widened. "What do you mean?"

"He wants to impress 'em, you know." Dean waved. "Wants to look like a big guy that has his shit together. I've seen him do this every holiday, you know, he shows up and, well, after he left Dan, his family just started pickin' on him for being single and not makin' much money. It sucks."

"But that's such a bullshit excu-"

"I know, it's no excuse." Dean rolled his eyes. "This just isn't about us, you know? Not about our feelings."

"Well, we have them." Seth snorted. "Look, if Roman made it like he was only dating you, don't you think that would make me feel like a shitty third wheel?"

Dean heaved a breath, grinning darkly and immediately Seth shut up, watching him shrug sarcastically.

"I ain' got no idea," Dean scoffed.

"Dean, I love you," Seth said firmly, frowning at the expression on his lover's face. "I really do, I don't want you to feel like that. That's why I'm speaking up."

"I 'ppreciate it. I think." Dean squinted. "But uh, I am sort of living with this dude. If we piss off his parents, that might fuck that up."

"I'll take you in," Seth said in a heartbeat. Dean blinked, and Seth looked away, his heart beating fast.

Dean moved, opting to sit next to Seth on the bench. There was a burgeoning want on behalf of both men to hold each other, to do something that was physically assuring. But there was still some fear in the air. They were in public, it wasn't really smart. Dean rubbed his thumb on the seam of Seth's pant leg, breathing deeply and staring. After a few minutes, he offered Seth some of his drink, but Seth declined, thinking hard.

"Man, when we get back home. We're gunna fuck him up ," Dean said, mouthing fuck silently. Seth burst out laughing, watching Dean crudely hump the air. "He's always super down to bottom after he's with his family too, something about gettin' like, humiliated by them just preps his ass."

"Really?" Seth giggled, watching Dean just nod, mouth open, reliving some past experience.

"Almost as slutty as you." "Shut up."

"I'm serious."

"I KNOW you're serious- just-"

Seth sighed, rubbing his eyes. He hadn't really thought about Dean's living situation, but it was obviously a lot more important than being wholly truthful. Even being around Roman's family now, Seth couldn't tell if they would be thrilled having Dean living at Roman's house.

It was a topic that he didn't really want to discuss at the moment, Seth didn't want to get Dean anxious.

Family photo in 5... Roman texted them. Seth trembled slightly, but Dean shot up, tossing his empty cup in the garbage.

"I know you're not trying to… box me out," Dean assured him, holding his hand out to help Seth back to his feet. "I think it's just… it just happens to me a lot."

"Yeah, which is why I give a shit."

"Well." Dean leaned back, looking anywhere but at Seth. "It's not gonna feel right, but we know who we are, ya know?"

Seth pinched Dean's hand with his thumb and forefinger, some small form of encouragement.

Re-entering the store, Seth tried to pull on some mindless positive face. He was sure if he'd taken off his sweater, he would be sporting sweat stains, so he just kept his arms at his sides. All of Roman's family was standing up, fixing each other's ties and hair, waiting.

I told my mom to just lay of of relationship stuff because it was making u uncomfortable Seth and Dean's phones vibrated, alerting them to the group conversation. didn't say anything else n it will probably come up again, but im goin to divert it as much as possible. Im sorry.

Roman caught their eye before they had a chance to respond, nodding. Seth and Dean nodded back.

It was enough for now.

"Oh good! Oh good! We're ready!" Lisa waved happily as soon as she saw Dean and Seth. Somehow, they all managed to file down the narrow hallway, earning some strange looks from the Sears customer's nearby. Roman stayed close by them, quiet and impassive.

The siblings and the parents went together first, and Seth watched sympathetically as Roman was sidelined by Rosey, standing below his brother and his father next to Summer. Right at the flash, he pulled a warm grin, trying his best to keep up the facade.

When they finally all crowded in to take the group photo, it took almost fifteen minutes to get everything perfect. Roman seemed content to shift toward his cousins and his lovers in the composition, standing just above both men. Nia rubbed her hands on Asuka's shoulders, and Trevor leaned into Summer, giving his children some words of encouragement.

If he could have, Seth would have taken a moment to put his hands around Dean's shoulders and maybe kissed him on the side, sure that nothing he could say would be as comforting as an assuring touch. Seth hadn't imagined it would be this difficult to keep his hands off him.

Though, he would need to receive affection from Roman before he returned it, there was still some sort of formal apology needed before they were all going to be cool. But being around the family all day, no such opportunities arrived.

The group made their way over to the food court afterwards, and all three of the men were quiet and subdued. Roman and Seth went to stand in line at Chik-Fil-A, but Dean went for Sbarro's instead.

They sat together, but didn't talk much. Even though they were a few tables away from Lisa and Sika, it didn't seem like a great idea to be talking candidly about anything important.

The sort of uneasy silence continued all the way home and then into dinner later. Seth tried to be sociable, sipping wine and walking around the house from conversation to conversation, but more often than not, he just ended up petting Superman. Roman kept tabs, making sure that wherever Dean and Seth were, they were comfortable, but all the family members were so busy that they mostly went unnoticed. Vanessa and Devin had taken over a room upstairs to wrap gifts, and Nia and Asuka had gone to lay down for a period of time, likely the most overwhelmed by so many people.

Dean was sitting in the living room with Summer, looking at photo albums,so Seth thought to join them.

"I'm looking for the one-" Dean paged through a leather bound volume- "the ninja turtles."

"Oh, shoot, here," Summer laughed, setting down her drink and pulling out a black album. Dean moved over so Seth could sit next to him, and they cackled, finding a spread of photos with a chubby, adolescent Roman, mired in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles merchandise.

"Mom, I want a coke," Tamar, said, flopping down onto the couch and nearly knocking over a stack of albums sitting next to her. Quickly, Summer grabbed them, frowning.

"Why don't you go ask dad to grab you one from the garage?" she tried, setting the books on the floor. "We're looking at pictures."

"Is that you mom?" Tamar asked, pointing to a girl in a fairy costume in front of their house. Three children were all dressed up and smiling happily on the front step. Rosey, much older, was dressed in a T-shirt and sweatpants, not participating.

"No, this is me," Summer said, tapping a picture of the girl dressed as Belle from Beauty and The Beast. "That's Aunt Vanessa."

Disinterested, Tamar skipped off, but Seth grabbed a book off the stack and began to sort through it, letting Dean watch over his shoulder as he poured over the photographs. The pictures were dated around the mid eighties, all likely taken on disposable cameras. The first few pages documented the repainting of the exterior of the house, with Rosey and Sika wearing work pants and walking around with paint-trays in the sunshine.

Seth could tell by the wear of the pages that the albums had been well loved. Summer leaned over, watching.

" Real old," she laughed, watching as Seth opened the page to a picture of Lisa, vastly pregnant and holding a small baby girl. "The house next door was still owned by that one Pentecostal family."

"I seen this one before," Dean muttered, watching Seth turn the page. "And there's Roman."

Hospital photos showed Lisa grinning and holding a large, wailing newborn. Even at birth, Roman had a full head of hair and a worried expression.

Most of the book was Roman's first year and Seth couldn't help smiling stupidly as he turned the pages, seeing Roman look less like a wet, newborn alien and more like a pudgy baby dressed in floral prints. He burst out laughing at a photo of Vanessa taking Roman down a slide in her lap while he screamed and cried.

"He was sort of our baby," Summer explained, pointing at a picture of the girl's bathing him in the sink. "There's this creepy one in there somewhere where you can see he's about the same size as our dolls."

"Totally." Dean laughed, seeing Roman propped up against a wall in a sea of lifeless barbies and babies. The children had enough toys to entertain a whole daycare.

Paging through a few other albums, Seth felt mischievous, seeing so much of his boyfriend while he was in the other room, talking with Jimmy and Jey. Roman's life through pictures looked very sweet and endearing, a picture perfect family with all the awkward nineties haircuts and high waisted pants imaginable. Even as he grew bigger, so many photos showed him spilling over his mother's lap while the rest of the family was rolling around in the grass or swimming at the beach.

"Momma's boy." Dean nodded, watching Seth exhale softly at a photo of Roman wearing a straw hat and sitting by a wheelbarrow while Lisa pulled weeds outside.

"Did your family…?" Seth asked, finishing an album right around when Roman was starting school. He looked to Dean. "Do they have these?"

"Eh, a couple maybe." Dean shrugged. "My grandma took a few pictures, but we moved a lot and whatever wasn't in a frame probably got chucked out as some point."

Seth nodded. He wasn't sure what he expected. At his parent's home back in Davenport, both he and Brandon had a single photo album that contained a sort of highlight reel of their childhood. Seth hadn't looked at his own in years, but it had a lot of the same principle family shots. Church. Christmas. Swim Team. State fairs.

"Oh, we've got the albums out!" Lisa cooed, sinking down and pulling out a book lined with red and white binding. "We should have had this one opened up!"

"Here we go." Summer laughed, watching her mother flip through the book, trying to find something. Seth and Dean waited patiently, smiling.

"You've got to see this one," she said, pushing the book into Seth's hands. Seth accepted it, nodding happily. "It's my favorite one of his."

An infant Roman was sitting under the Christmas tree in footie pajamas with little candy cane print. He was drooling, and clutching a stocking that was as long as he was, but he was giggling. In swooping red cursive under the photo, Roman's First Christmas was written.

"We've got to get going soon-" Lisa sprang back up again. "Summer, were your boys-"

"We're ready." She nodded. "Their costumes are all packed."

Dinner was incredibly rushed. Another trip to the Chow Tyme Buffet and everyone was eagerly trying to put food away to make it to church in time for the play. Roman was a little bright and tipsy again, giving Dean and Seth a playful slap on the ass in the parking lot in lieu of any sort of drawn out conversation.

By the time he was fed, Seth was feeling less angry and anxious on the whole. He was starting to understand how the family was functioning as a sort of gigantic, symbiotic creature, moving from place to place. Seth didn't like keeping quiet and uninvolved, but dropping the polyamory bomb in public simply wasn't an option. Lisa was the family's momentum in everything, and the moment she became confused or distracted, things started to fall apart.

"Afa was coming and bringing Grandma, right?" she asked Rosey, pushing her plate away from her as she dialed her phone fiercely.

"I think it's a lil' late now. I don't think Grandma was coming to this." Rosey shook his head. "Afa might, but not Grandma."

"She came last year though! The last that I knew, they were all coming and they were meeting us there!"

Rosey, Summer and Vanessa's children all had a part to play in the Christmas Pageant, and so they left early to make it in time. Lisa scoffed angrily, hearing a voicemail for the third time in a row.

"We will know when we get there," Sika said, putting his hand over his wife's. "If it happens it will happen."

The church was a drive through downtown Pensacola, all lit up for Christmas Eve. Everything was beautiful and serene, and even though it wasn't the Christmas he was used to, being so warm, Seth felt peaceful, seeing a lack of pedestrians and cars. From his side, Roman nudged him, leaning toward him across the back of the Jeep.

"Everythin' okay?" he asked, pulling his hand across Seth's back. Seth shivered slightly, graciously falling in.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he muttered. "It's all okay."

"I should have warned you about this, but I just forgot my mom gets like this… You can probably see it."

"Yeah, dude, it's okay." Seth nodded, blinking into Roman's armpit. "My family isn't like this at all, that's why I didn't get it at first. It's fine."

"How about you Deano?"

"M'fine."

"I love ya both." Roman kissed Seth's forehead, tickling him slightly with his beard. "I think aroun' Easter or so, that'd be a good time to talk to 'em. A few months."

Seth and Dean didn't say anything really, but the silence was agreement. None of them knew the form their relationship was really taking and Seth didn't even know if he wanted to tell his own family yet. He'd be going to Davenport soon and would need to figure out exactly what he was going to say, but even he wasn't sure about anything.

It was easy to feel upset about Roman not being honest, but Seth knew that he didn't have all the answers either.

The Christmas Pageant was one of the most adorable things Seth had seen in a long time, and although he was less than interested in religion, Roman's niece's and nephews made it worth it. Milo and Tamar were squirmy and giggly the entire time they were on stage, hamming it up despite their lack of lines. Koa and Madison, though a little less excited, still put on a show for their parents.

But when they left, finishing up taking photos of the children's costumes in front of the church, Seth sighed, imagining their return for mass in the morning.

"If you don't want to come, it's ok." Roman smiled. "I'm obligated because I'm family, but I can give an excuse."

"You dragged me there for how many years?" Dean said, exasperated, hopping into the backseat of the Jeep. "Lookin' like an ass 'cause I'm fallin' asleep and shit?"

It was a little weird, as Seth and Dean ended up being the only ones staying home, but Lisa and Sika didn't seem to mind. They slept together on the pull out couch that night, and barely stirred the next morning as Roman shifted around, getting changed and making his way out the door.

"I'll make coffee for you guys," He whispered, leaning over and rousing them slightly. "Merry Christmas."

"M'rry Chrissmass." Seth mumbled back, eyes closed.

An hour or so later, he stirred, feeling strands of sunlight coming through the hopper window. Dean snored lightly, laying on his belly, face buried in the covers. Eventually, Seth sat up, blinking and pulling his phone off the charger.

It was strange to think it was Christmas and he was so far away from both Iowa and Orlando. States away, his parents would be making coffee and sticky buns, getting ready to drive to the family farm in Buffalo and see his grandfather.

Merry Christmas Seth! We love you! His mother had texted him early that morning, probably just around when Roman had left Tell us when it's a good time to call!

Merry xmas probably this afternoon Seth replied love u too

Absentmindedly, he checked his Instagram and his Facebook, scrolling through his friends feed's to see what they were up to. Cesaro had been invited along to his friend TJ's house, and had taken some pictures with their tree. It seemed that Sasha was just happy to be back at home with her family dog, and was snapping lots of photos of the pet.

With an acute pain in his chest, Seth thought of Kevin, all by himself on Christmas Day. Bringing the little dog up to Pensacola wouldn't have been a smart option, but Seth still felt awful, knowing that he wouldn't see him until tomorrow.

Slowly, he stood up, easing off of the pull out bed and walking to the stairs where he got better cell phone coverage. It was probably really stupid of him, but with Dean sleeping, Seth felt strangely lonely all of a sudden. The house was completely still and quiet.

He looked up the number for Wyatt's Canine Outpost and dialed, wondering if anyone would even be answering the phones on a holiday.

"Wyatt's." A gruff voice barked against the phone. "Happy Holidays."

"Merry Christmas, I'm really sorry… for calling, uh." Seth bit his lip, pushing some stray hairs out of his face. "My dog is there right now, I was just wondering if you could tell me… he's never been there before-"

"Which dog?"

"Kevin? Kevin… Rollins?"

Much to his relief, it seemed that Kevin was doing just fine at the boarding facility. Seth cracked a smile, hearing the man over the phone reach for some papers and look over some notes that had been put on his file.

"He's doing just great, yeah. He likes to play in the room with the big dogs for awhile and then when he gets tired, we put'em with the smaller, older pups. He really likes this beagle-"

"A beagle?" Seth laughed, trying to keep his voice down. He sat down on the steps with his toes hanging off the side. He wasn't sure why it was so funny to him.

"A beagle named Bacardi."

"That's great. I was really worried-"

"Nah, he's fine. He's been running his tail off around here, so he'll probably be real tired once ya pick him up. If you want, we got cameras in the playrooms here, so you can just go to our website and watch him play."

"Oh wow, really?" Seth grinned. "That's awesome! thank you so much."

Reassured, Seth thought about going upstairs and grabbing some coffee, but he could hear Dean stirring back on the bed. He returned to their corner of the basement, leaning down over the couch and gazing at his boyfriend, who had similarly curled up to his phone.

"Merry Christmas," Seth said. Dean smirked, and he leaned down, planting a kiss upside down over his mouth.

"And a happy new year," Dean muttered, tossing his phone to the side. "Man, not going to church is the best ."

"You're tellin' me." Seth laid back down, pulling the covers over him and wrapping Dean up into his arms. "When do they normally get back?"

"What time's it now? 8:30? Probably 'n an hour and a half or somethin'... It goes so damn long." Dean yawned. "Then we do presents and stuff."

For a little while, Seth just lay, spooning Dean quietly. They were both a little stinky from sweating through the night, but Seth didn't care. It seemed like ages since they'd been able to cuddle or touch each other, and now that the house was empty, he was going to take full advantage. Their hair was a mess and they each hadn't shaved in a few days, but nothing mattered.

"You wanna shower?" Dean suggested, patting Seth's thigh. "It's been awhile since I tried to fuck 'n a pull out bed, I don't wanna break nothing."

Seth blushed, he'd thought he'd been fine concealing his morning wood between his thighs, but it was probably crazy obvious. Dean rubbed his forearms.

"It'll be fine. They won't get home in a while."

Nonetheless, there was some urgency as they rushed up the stairs and pulled towels out of the linen closet. They both grinned, shutting the door and turning the lock, pulling off their shirts and letting the water run warm. Dean grabbed him around the hips, squeezing playfully before bringing him close to kiss.

The two hadn't been able to be intimate really at all since AJ had stormed in and found them at work. Seth had been so busy with work and being exhausted and stressed out, sex wasn't the first thing he'd been thinking about. Now, in Roman's family's beautiful main bathroom, he was shivering eagerly.

"Fuck," Dean panted, pulling away giggling. He was sporting a wet spot on the inside of his thigh where Seth's dick had just been pressing into him. Seth blushed harder, his shoulders twitching.

"It's been awhile," he grunted, dabbing at the end of his dick where he was leaking fast.

"All full up and ready to shoot?" Dean snickered, testing the water with his hand. "Let's get clean before we get dirty."

Seth could just imagine Roman's expression if they'd bothered to tell him that they'd spent their Christmas morning jerking each other off in the shower instead of going to church. He would have rolled his eyes, maybe shot Dean a sort of withering glance. Really, Seth felt like he needed it if he was going to get through the day. Ignoring the tender soreness in his knee, he bent down and sucked Dean off under the water, holding onto the side of the tub for stability while he lapped away.

Dean groaned, fisting his hair and playing with it under the water. Only because they were in the shower, Seth let him come over his face and chest, grimacing slightly before Dean wiped him down and they swapped. Seth felt fingers cup the base of his cock and shoot playfully up his rear, and in about ninety seconds, he was losing himself down the shower drain.

"Fuck, you were holding it in," Dean said slyly, watching Seth shudder and pant, coming long past his usual average.

It was too inviting to just sink down into Dean's arms, but they climbed out of the shower, hearing Superman whining on the other side of the bathroom door. Quickly, Seth dried his hair, dipping into some of the available green tea conditioning products.

Sexually satisfied and clean, they sat on the couch with large mugs of coffee, curled up in blankets on the living room couch. The grandfather clock ticked in the corner and the downstairs heater kicked on loudly, giving the house a sort of steady hum. Seth and Dean sat, partially cuddling, watching the tree lights dim and fade into different colors, making the wrapping paper on the gifts shine bright.

A little after nine, the family returned. The children came running through the doors like wild bulls, racing for the tree and tearing off their jackets.

"How was it?" Seth asked as Roman came in, dressed formally.

"Church," He shrugged. "Good I guess."

"Nia, did you want to give Uncle Afa a hand quick?" Lisa could be heard from the back porch. "This front step is always shaking, Grandma has a hard time with it-"

Grandma Tovale was an incredibly old woman whom required her son's assistance with getting up past the back steps and onto a walker as soon as she got inside. Jimmy, Jey, and Roman all cleared the way, making a path to the living room where she could sit in front of the tree. As usual, Seth and Dean stood, mostly useless, drinking from their mugs and smiling and greeting the family as they returned. As soon as everyone had a drink in their hand and a doughnut, they assembled around the tree to begin the gift exchange.

The children had all broken into their stockings early and were trading gift cards. Seth sat on the floor with a pillow and Dean brought them their own stockings.

"Oh wow." Seth's face lit up.

"Yeah, ours were on the back of the closet, not on the bannister." Dean pulled out a few rolled-up undershirts and a Macy's gift card. "Nice. They go all out with these."

"Really?" Seth pulled out one of his own, nearly losing his breath. Roman's family had given him 150 dollars credit.

Lisa insisted all of her children sit together on the couch for a photo by the tree. They all barely fit, but she seemed content. Milo kept poking his face in eagerly by their feet.

"And we'll just do the charms now too then!" She said, setting her phone down. "Sika, did you grab them?"

Sika produced a few small black baggies from his pocket and Seth watched curiously as small, bracelets were handed to each of her children.

"Every year-" Dean explained. "Or at least, I think, well, Lisa gives them all these little things for these bracelets she has for them."

"Roman has a charm bracelet?" Seth exclaimed. Roman sighed.

"I don't WEAR it, it's a FAMILY thing," He insisted. Lisa sighed, watching as the children opened the baggies and showed everyone what they had received.

Rosey and Vanessa each got a tiny cross, nodding to their mother with thanks before adding it to their already very full bracelets. Summer's was an eiffel tower.

"Because of your Paris trip in the spring!" Lisa explained.

"Yeah, thanks mom, this is great."

Roman pulled out a tiny animal, so small in his hands it was difficult to see.

"A turtle." Sika nodded, looking seriously at his youngest son. "Just like your brother and sisters have."

Roman nodded, very quiet, looking to his parents with bright eyes. Seth didn't quite understand the significance. He looked to Dean for some sort of explanation, but he didn't seem to understand either.

They moved onto trading the mass of gifts under the tree and Seth was content to sip his coffee and watch, just glad that he was invited into the group. However, Roman moved to the floor to sit beside them and suddenly, Seth was being handed boxes and bags.

"Welcome to the fam." Dean said wisely, smiling as he too had received some gifts. Seth looked at the labels on his presents, seeing most read FROM THE REIGNS FAMILY as well as a few that said SANTA.

There were far too many people to go one at a time, and so they all just busied themselves with making a huge mess and occasionally yelling or laughing as they unwrapped a particular gift.

"New sweaters?" Dean asked, turning over a hoodie he'd just unwrapped that read REIGNS SHIPPING AND DISTRIBUTION in large block print. On the hood, AMBROSE was stitched in cursive writing.

"Our team wanted new ones, so we get an order together, make more personalized this year." Sika explained, setting down his own coffee to lean in. Seth had opened a similar hoodie, gazing at it fondly. Sika tugged at the sleeve, nodding. "Inside, very soft."

Roman also got a sweatshirt, and Lisa was quick to snap a photo of all three of them, posing with their new clothes.

"You guys! What?" Seth opened up a second box and began to feel almost sick, seeing the Nike logo splashed across the top. Everyone laughed and Seth exhaled hard, blinking. His own family didn't dote on him this hard. It was a lot to take in.

"Merry Christmas!" Lisa beamed, pulling out her camera to take a picture of Seth unveiling a black pair of Metcon training shoes.

"This is ridiculous, thank you so much." He sighed, looking to Roman curiously. He had been talking about getting new shoes and surely, his lover had taken the hint, passing the information off to his family. Roman winked at him and Seth shook his head, dismayed.

In addition to everything else, he got a small book of Paleo-Crossfitter recipes, and a wealth of warm, fuzzy, socks. For being away from home and out of his element, it was probably one of the best Christmas's he'd ever had.

"It's no problem!" Roman kept reminding him, as Seth endlessly babbled thanks, wringing his hands with the wrapping paper and feeling faint.

"Uce's family rules." Dean agreed, tugging one of his own gifts open. "Oh-"

"It's used- but it's still a new model-" Sika nodded, watching as Dean opened up a case, revealing an ipad. His eyes widened, shocked. "I use that one for work, but then I get another one."

"A tablet?" Dean laughed. "Someone's gonna have to show me how to use this..."

"Oh! Hey," Seth prodded him with his foot. "We can call your family on there! Like you wanted."

Roman got a swath of gifts from his siblings- a new phone case, chocolate covered nuts, and a nice bottle of wine. From his parents, he opened a box that contained a small circular, electronic.

"It's a device that links all your others, plus it can control your lights and thermostat if you set it up." Rosey explained, "I have two at my house, I make 'em order new toliet paper, and then the other one is like, my alarm clock."

Roman opened it bewildered, looking at the charging element and turning it on. A harsh voice spoke from the speaker, sounding like an older, british man.

"You can change the voice too, when you set it up."

"Yeah, don't let that wake me up," Dean snorted.

It took about three seconds for the words to sink in and Dean immediately went pale. Roman blinked and Seth looked around stupidly, half pretending he hadn't heard it. Luckily, Lisa was helping Tovale open up a box of snacks she'd received in her stocking.

Sika however, cleared his throat, staring at his son intently. Roman shrunk, looking to the sea of wrapping paper. Everything was suddenly cold and Seth had no idea what to do.

"Mom, sit down for a sec," Summer insisted. Seth couldn't tell if she'd heard what was said, but she seemed to sense something was amiss. "You need to open your present."

Obviously feigning confusion, Lisa sat eagerly by her husband, wondering aloud what her children could have possibly gotten her. Seth stole a glance at Roman and he still looked visibly shaken. Sika was still gazing toward him, carefully, but his eyes flicked away as Rosey handed Lisa an envelope.

She tore into it, commanding the attention of everyone in the room as she squealed, pulling open her's and Sika's gift.

"What is it?" Jordan asked his father, staring.

Lisa burst into happy tears, showing a travel package with tickets inside. Sika, put a hand around his wife, rubbing her arm and kissing her on the shoulder.

"Oh, thank you so much everyone," She said, dabbing at her eyes. "Oh, it's going to be so exciting! We haven't been there in so long!"

"Merry Christmas," The children echoed.

As soon as Lisa had pulled herself together, Nia stood up, blushing hard around her face. They stopped picking up wrapping paper for a moment and looked, watching her fumble with something in her hands.

"This has been such a wonderful time, I really just want to properly thank all of you," She said, voice shaking slightly. "I'm still not sure if this is the best time, but I'm kinda freaking out right now so if you'll excuse me-"

Everyone stared and Asuka frowned, looking up to her girlfriend. Nia sank down to one knee and Lisa screamed.

Nia said it in Japanese, but it was readily clear to everyone what was happening as soon as she squatted and pulled out a silver ring. Asuka clapped her hands over her mouth and immediately threw her hands around her lover, crying and hugging. All of the children awwed and Devin held Vanessa, who was also tearing up.

Seth was just completely thrown, unsure what to do other than smile and clap. It was surreal, watching the scene of a woman speaking in half Japanese and half English, crying and laughing as she slid the ring over her finger. With so much going on and everyone cheering the announcement, it seemed they could have dodged Dean's slip of the tongue.

Dean himself still looked shaken and unsure, obviously apologetic, but unable to articulate it properly in the environment.

Drinks were poured for congratulating the engagement and slowly everyone began to fan out. The children were all excited to play with their new toys, and Lisa had to begin the process of feeding everyone for dinner.

Seth and Dean looked to Roman, trying to talk, but before they had the opportunity to pull him aside, Sika jumped him.

"You go help with dinner," he grunted, "Ask your mother what you can do."

"He's fucked ," Dean hissed under his breath, kneading his forehead angrily. "I'm a fuckin' idiot …"

"It… it just happened…" Seth shook his head. "I don't think… it was quiet-"

Dean just made an inarticulate noise. Seth frowned, shifting out of the way so Trevor could make his way down the hall.

"Let's… let's call our families." Seth suggested. "We can try to figure out your new ipad, yeah?"

For the better part of the afternoon, Seth and Dean hung out in the basement. They left the door open, so as not to seclude themselves rudely. Both men were both a little on edge and anxious, but Seth tried to distract Dean by showing him how his ipad worked and how to download applications. It wasn't simple, but Seth had his own ipad to show him side by side.

"I can't believe they gave me this, I don't know how to do none of this," Dean sighed.

"You can watch shows and stuff though, it's cool." Seth tapped the Skype program they had just downloaded. "Here- I'm gonna call my family."

"Do you want me to leave?" Dean asked, blinking. Seth thought for a moment.

"It's fine. It's up to you."

He confirmed over text that his parents were ready, then dialed. Dean didn't move, sitting next to Seth to look over his shoulder and see the screen. In the reflection of the glass, Seth smiled, noticing their matching sweatshirts.

The receiver picked up and Seth's Mother and Step-dad were there. Brandon was leaning in as well, all sitting around the kitchen table. "Hey!" they all cheered, smiling at the screen. Seth smiled back, happy to see the familiar faces.

"Merry Christmas!" Seth said. "How's everyone doing?"

There was a pause and Seth frowned, watching his parents and brother all blink and freeze. The screen went black, and then, the call ended.

"That went well." Dean laughed. "Did it break?"

"I think- I dunno." Seth sighed, closing out of the call and texting his mother.

After a lot of back and forth technical support that made him want to tear his hair out. Seth just settled to call his mother over the phone and give her the details of his Christmas that way. Dean sat as his side, playing solitaire on his new device and sighing.

"We could still try your mom if you wanted," Seth said, setting his phone aside after he'd finished talking. "I think it was my mom's skype that was the issue. Would you wanna do that?"

"Sure, we can try." Dean shrugged. "My sis was texting me earlier and they're together. They're probably around."

Dean confirmed with his sister over a message and Seth sat, letting Dean try to set it up himself, giving input whenever he paused on a screen, unsure.

"Did you want me in the call?" Seth asked, trying to be polite. Dean shrugged similarly, wrinkling his nose.

"I don't care," He muttered. "They don't care either. Not about gay stuff."

"Oh… nice."

The call dialed and picked up. Seth blinked, re-adjusting on the bed.

On the screen was a woman that looked older than Dean with long, thin hair pulled back to the top of her head in a scrunchie. It was difficult to see everything, given they were looking at a pixelated display, but Seth thought she looked rough. She was heavier than Dean, with pale greying skin that hung off of her strangely, obviously low-income.

"Hey brother!" She waved, loose bracelets jingling around her wrists. Dean half smiled, leaning into ipad screen.

"Hey girl, how you been?"

"I'm ok." Dean's sister shifted, straightening her hair in the reflection. "I worked this mornin' and me and ma were gonna go to the casino for a little bit, but she's sleeping right now."

"Oh… Ok." Dean nodded. "How was work?"

Seth felt strange, sitting in on the conversation, but it was interesting. Dean's sister was a CNA at a nursing home, and was rather pleased about making time and a half for working on a holiday. The background to the Skype call was bare and unadorned, except for a November calendar hanging limp on the wall.

"Crystal, this is Seth" Dean said, swinging his arm around Seth's shoulders. "He's one of my boyfriends."

"Hi Seth!" Crystal grinned back. "He's really cute Dean!"

"Why're you like, surprised?" Dean scoffed. "Are you still seeing... that one guy?"

"No… he was mean," Crystal sighed. "He called me today and I thought about going over, but then you texted me."

"Yeah, no mean guys." Dean picked at his finger. "So, I'm a piece of shit brother, but I'm still making your gift, so I'll send it to you when it's done."

"That's ok!" Crystal said. "What is it?"

Seth watched Dean's cheeks turn pink.

"I learned... how to make blankets... kinda like the ones grandma made…"

"Like knitting? That's so cute!" Crystal smiled. "Oh Dean, that's so awwwesommmme!"

Seth chuckled. Crystal seemed sort of slow and spacey, but her enthusiasm for her brother was sweet. Dean just rolled his eyes, sighing.

"Hey-"

Summer knocked on their door and both men turned. She smiled, waving. "Food was almost done, sorry if I was interrupting-"

"Oh no, it's cool." Dean nodded. "Crystal, you wanna give 'ma my regards?"

"Yeah! We're gonna go soon I think," She smiled, "Whenever she wakes up."

It sounded bleak, but Dean didn't pause for thought, waving to his sister before going to hang up the phone call. Seth rose, feeling jittery again as Summer waited at the door. She wore an inquisitive look, regarding both of them men carefully.

"Ready for some holiday ham?"

Maybe he was being paranoid, but Seth thought Roman's family was looking at them strangely. They all said grace and food was passed around the huge dining room table, but Seth felt like he was being watched for longer than it took to pass mashed potatoes.

Even the conversation seemed thin, that was at least, until wine went around a few times and everyone began discussing their gifts and plans for the New Year.

Roman was unreadable, his lip set, avoiding the gaze of his lovers as Lisa talked animatedly at his side, telling everyone about the restaurants she planned to visit in Samoa during their vacation. Seth drank deeply from his glass, not bothering to relish the pinot noir. He wasn't sure when they were leaving the next day, but if things were going to be this stilted and awkward the whole night, he couldn't imagine that they'd stick around too long.

"That was amazing," Seth directed to Lisa at the end of the meal, nodding and pushing his empty plate forward. "Really delicious."

"Oh, it's no problem dear." Lisa waved, on cue, everyone else around the table muttered their thanks, agreeing.

There was a mention of Coconut Cake to follow in an hour or so, while Sika made a fire in the living room. Seth wasn't sure if he wanted to try to pull Roman aside at this point, as he looked occupied with the dinner clean up.

"Dean! You have to ride my hover board!" Tamar insisted as soon as they rose from the table. Dean cleared his throat, finishing off his wine and squinting.

"What?"

"My hover board!"

"They make hover boards?"

Against the better judgement of all the adults in the room, they started playing with the boy's hoverboard in the hallway. Once Tamar showed everyone how it was done, Dean, Jimmy, Jey and Milo all tried it, just barely remaining upright as they leaned their weight around.

"Do you want me to hold your drink Uce?" Jimmy laughed, watching Jey mount the board with his wine glass, kicking the fringe of the carpet out of his way.

"Nah bro I got this," he snorted, taking a drink off his glass as he scooted along, managing to keep his arms aloft gracefully.

Seth peered into the kitchen, which was very full. Everyone was puttering around, claiming leftovers and trying to help Lisa clean up. Someone said something and everyone laughed, but Seth didn't hear it.

"I want to ride it to school." Tamar grinned, watching Jey dismount so he could hop on. "Julian brought his to class though and he got it taken away..."

"Aw shit, I mean-" Jimmy laughed. " Poop . I meant poop. Anyone want a beer?"

The kitchen grew quiet and Seth frowned, distracted. He was pretty sure Roman was in there, and he was starting to feel anxious. There was too much clatter of tableware to hear much, but Sika was talking.

"Seth?"

"I'm fine," Seth muttered, checking his phone. "I think, I'm gunna go… pack…"

He wasn't worried about being anti-social anymore, everyone was too busy to notice if he slipped away. There wasn't really anything that he needed to pack- all of his things were still in his bag, and his gifts were kept in a neat little bundle by his bed. But Seth sat down, scratching at his chest, wondering if he couldn't just watch a little TV to calm his mind down.

Unfortunately, the kitchen was right above his corner of the basement.

"Well, honey if you wanted to tell us something, we'd understand." Lisa's motherly tone came muffled and Seth winced, putting his face into his hands, heart pounding fast. "If this is about you being-"

"It's NOT about that mom, it's really not. I swear, I just-"

"Well what is it? He got so upset when I brought it up earlier-"

"Can't I just say I don't want to talk about this right now? I don't get why we can't just leave this be! Like, if I'm telling you I don't want to talk about it, don't you think I have a good reason?"

"Don't raise your voice at your mother."

"I'm not!"

Seth felt ill. Roman's voice was panicked and upset and he could hear now that no one else was talking or shifting around. In other corners of the house, silence had fallen. All he wanted to do was pull a blanket over his head and try to deafen the noise completely, but Seth knew he couldn't.

"Are you dating Seth then, or not?"

"I'm not answering that!"

Seth's heart skipped a beat and he stood up, cursing under his breath. If he left Roman all by himself upstairs, that was wrong, right? Even though there was nothing he could do?

Quickly, Seth jogged up the stairs, at a loss for what he was doing, but sure he couldn't hide from it. Devin and Vanessa stared at him from the entryway to the kitchen, watching silently.

Dean followed in his wake, looking pale as a sheet and Seth stared back at him, hoping someone had a plan. Summer came to their sides, laying a hand on Dean's arm.

"Hey, guys, this isn't going well, I'd just-" She whispered. "You don't wanna go in there-"

"I know, but-" Seth's voice broke. Roman sniffed loudly and reflexively, Dean and Seth went to the doorway, looking in.

Sika was standing over Roman as he sat in a chair. His face was red and his eyes were wet, staring at his father, terrified. Sika looked steady and calm, but red-faced. The whole scene made Seth nauseous.

"You live in the house we own." Sika said dangerously. "You are keeping other people there? You are telling us lies? You do not call us enough and you tell us one thing and say another- this is not what I teach you, what we expect of you."

Roman caught the gaze of his boyfriends in the door and he screwed up his face, burying his head in his hands. Seth felt his own eyes become wet, his arms trembling. Sika turned, looking over his shoulder and Seth and Dean stared back, pleadingly.

"Roman," Sika muttered. "Come into the garage-"

"Dad-"

"You hear me."

Roman rose and Lisa and Rosey backed up, letting him pass. There was silence until Roman moved out of the room, making his way to the garage, the door clicking shut behind him.

The last big fight Seth remembered having with his family was when he was sixteen and working his lifeguard job at Pine Lake Summer Camp. He'd asked his mother if he could take one of her cars for the week because he wanted to take Marek to a concert in Minnesota that Friday. It had been a lot to ask- Seth hadn't ever traveled so far out of state before, but he bought the tickets ahead of time to guarantee a spot.

"No Seth," Holly, his mother had said firmly. "Brandon uses the car when you're at work and I don't know who you're staying with."

"Yes you do!" Seth whined, leaning on the dining room counter and pouting. "Liam and his friends have come over here a bunch of times! If I don't go, I'm going to be wasting a bunch of money 'cause I already paid for everything!"

"Well that's too bad!" Holly half laughed. "You didn't ask me earlier and you're not going!"

Livid, Seth went to his room and slammed his door, angrily instant messaging his boyfriend about how unfair and stupid it all was. The next day, he'd be leaving for camp and he'd been looking forward to the concert all month.

my mom is such a fuckin bitch!! Seth had typed angrily into his desktop computer, wiping his eyes. Fuck it brandon doesn't even leave th house. I'm just going 2 leave early and take it

In a streak of defiance, Seth took the car at six in the morning. Heart beating fast, he turned his phone off and blared Underoath with all the windows down, racing on the rural roads. He'd almost gotten away with it, but his mother showed up on Friday after the camp session had ended. Seth was just planning to make his getaway, but his mother drove up the dirt road in her minivan and practically chased him across the field.

"I could have called the police on you! Stealing my car!" She grabbed his arm, red in the face and furious. "Give me your cell phone! You're not getting it back until school starts!"

"Mom!"

Seth cried hateful, angry tears as he sat in the back of his mother's minivan. Brandon drove the station wagon home, never more than a few cars behind them.

The fight was over ten years ago now, but it still felt vivid and raw in Seth's mind. He'd been a fool for acting out, and after a few weeks of tense silence and scowling glances, Holly and Seth's relationship had more or less gone back to normal. Maybe even better, as Holly seemed to understand that Seth just wanted to have more freedom and privileges.

"If you can keep a 3.5 GPA this semester, I'll let you take a trip," Holly had said over dinner, the last Sunday before school started. Seth was griping about something, but he immediately lightened up, thinking hard of places he wanted to go.

He had never been a problem child, and Holly and Bob had never wanted to limit him in any way. As Seth got older, they encouraged him to do whatever he wanted and take risks. College had been forced on him a little bit, but after trying and failing, they didn't continue to push the matter.

Watching Roman and his father fight was surreal to Seth, who couldn't imagine anything similar occurring in his own family. If either of his parents had tried to pull him aside and question his ability to make decisions, Seth would have just laughed it off and walked away. But then, he was out and away from home, emancipated from his family on a financial basis. The only thing that linked them now was his health insurance, and soon, that too would lapse.

As soon as Roman and Sika disappeared, Lisa looked completely disheartened, sinking down into a chair. Rosey offered her a drink and she just waved it off, heaving a sigh and dabbing at her eyes.

Dean turned on his heel and walked away. It took a moment for Seth to gather himself, shaking his head, but he knew he didn't want to be alone. The noise from the garage of Sika's raised voice felt like needles under his skin.

"Dean, where-" Seth followed his trail to the front of the house and out the door. Dean walked to the Jeep and Seth's felt weak. "Dean!"

"Fuck," Dean muttered, padding his pockets. "It's nothin' I just… I just wanted a smoke." He turned back. "Car's fuckin' locked."

"I got menthols," Jey offered, standing in the doorway.

Jimmy, Jey, Seth and Dean all sat on the front step, smoking and trying to ignore the distant rumble of voices behind the garage doors. Seth didn't participate, but leaned on his knees, trying to steady his breath. Dean just looked exhausted.

"We all okay?" Summer asked, coming out the front door. "Who's got cigarettes? I want one."

Not but a moment after grabbing one from Jey's pack, Milo burst out the front door and she flicked it, not wanting her son to see her smoking.

"When are they going to be done? I wanted a coke from the fridge!" Milo pouted, coming to his mother's side.

"We'll see Mi, we might have to wait awhile. Why do you want a coke this late? Didn't you already have one?"

"Dad said I could," he muttered.

"Well, why don't you go see dad about it. I think there is some in the big fridge, you might just have to dig for it."

Milo ran back inside, yelling to his brother "THERE MIGHT BE SOME." The boys giggled and stomped off.

Dean rubbed his forehead, looking properly exhausted.

"So, what is going on?" Summer asked, picking up the cigarette from the ground again. "I think everyone was curious but nobody wanted to ask anything."

Dean looked to Seth, and they both sighed, not really sure where to begin. It was obvious they couldn't hide anything anymore, but it seemed like there was a lot to tell.

"We're… polyamorous…" Seth said, squinting. "Do you…?"

"Oh, yeah! " Summer's face opened up and she smiled, laughing lightly. "I went to a liberal arts college, I know."

"Yeah, well," Seth sighed. "We haven't even been… doing this for that long."

"Wait, so you're all dating each other ?" Jimmy asked. "How that work?"

"Beats me man," Dean said darkly, taking a long pull of his cigarette. Seth licked his lips, jiggling his leg.

"Well, I moved down here," Seth started, trying his best not to ramble. "I started working at the same pool, at White Water, and I'd never dated two people or anything, but once I started hanging out with these guys, I think I knew I didn't want to just see one or the other..." He swallowed. "I hung out with them both individually, but we're all friends and stuff."

"Makes sense to me." Summer shrugged. "You didn't want to exclude anyone."

"Well, I love them both ," Seth said. "It wasn't like I could pick."

"Yeah, and I'm living with Rome' right now 'cause my place got infested with bed bugs," Dean added.

"Roman told me that." Summer nodded. "He just didn't tell Dad, which honestly, I think is why he's pissed."

Seth flinched, hearing the voices in the garage pitch up louder. Roman was crying, it was rough.

"Well shit man." Jey clapped Dean on the back. "Now you really are part of the family, huh?"

"We'll see for how long…"

"Oh shut up ," Summer sighed. Seth trembled. "You know just as well as us that this is just how we celebrate the holidays. I think Vanessa's just happy she gets a pass this year."

"No shit," Jey laughed. "She probably doesn't know what to do with all this time."

It was maddening to hear Roman's family joking so lightly about the matter while inside the garage he was being yelled at. Seth looked to Dean, trying to get some sort of assurance, but he looked remote and unreachable. Before he could stop it, hot tears were leaking down his face and Seth bit his lip hard, trying to pull himself together.

"What? Oh, hey-"

"Oh, it's okay…"

Summer put a hand around him, but Seth couldn't lean into her touch. Sitting upright and shaking as he let out a choked sob. Everything felt like dread. Roman's father would force them to break up and Dean wouldn't have his place to live. There was nothing they could do about it.

"It's okay," Summer repeated softly, rubbing his back. "Really… they're going to shout for a bit and then come out and drink a little and everything will be fine."

"I don't want… I don't-" Seth swallowed, sure that Dean was staring at him. He just screwed up his face more, unable to say anything.

"Why don't you give us a sec," Dean muttered, setting down his drink and his cigarette. "We'll come in inna bit."

"Okay," Summer nodded. "Let us know if you need anything..."

The three left and closed both sets of doors, leaving Dean and Seth alone in the light of the porch. The voices in the garage were starting to level out and become softer, but it didn't comfort him. Dean moved in closer, awkwardly pulling him into a hug and resting his head on top of his brown hair, rubbing his arms slowly.

"I'm scared," Seth choked, breathing Dean's scent of body wash deep into his lungs. "I don't want us to break up, I don't want this to happen."

"I don't want that either," Dean said softly, putting a hand in his hair and rubbing his scalp. "Summer is right though, this is just kinda part of being here."

"I don't want to come back here then!" Seth half laughed.

"But you got new shoes."

"I don't care," Seth sniffed, wiping his eye. "I didn't think… I thought Roman would tell his parents about you living with him or something… I can't imagine how you feel."

"I don't think they're gonna make me move out," Dean said, shifting so he could more comfortably hold Seth. "They do like me, I am like family and so long as Uce tells 'em it was a matter of keeping me out of the cold, they'll probably be happy that he did it."

"Then why are they so mad?" Seth asked. "They don't care he's gay… they like us-"

"It's the whole not telling thing." Dean nodded. "Just like Summer said, they're mad he was hiding stuff and they want to be aware of everything that's happening in his life. You don't know-" Dean rubbed his eyes. "I live with him, and I've known him for longer. There's a reason Rome's like, the mom , you know what I mean?"

"Yeah." Seth smiled.

"Yeah, like, he had a rough spot in college where he was drinking too much and failing his classes- really he was probably like, figuring out he was gay and shit. But when he wanted to move down to Orlando, his family was super worried. They didn't want him to do it. They thought he was going to fuck up really bad... His dad really only let him do it on the condition that he live in a house they owned." Dean picked his cigarette back up, blowing the smoke away from Seth. "And he's saving a ton of money 'cause he's only paying them a little bit of rent to live there, and he's supposed to be figuring out a better job and settling down."

"That's so…" Seth wiped his eyes.

"It's weird as fuck, I know, but it's just Roman," Dean said, gesturing uselessly. "It's just what it is and he's accepted that. He tried doing it all with Dan and for a long time, his family was super happy! They were trying to push that so hard, so when Roman broke up with him, his Mom yelled at him basically as bad as his dad is now."

"That's horrible."

"Yeah, I KNOW ," Dean said loudly, looking to Seth seriously. "But you know what I mean? You just can't- It's different. Roman's life is just different than ours." Dean pointed to his chest. "Roman doesn't tell me that I'm wrong cause I like, don't have a big family and don't talk to them as much, like, he knows that my life is like, the opposite of his. Instead of giving me shit for it, he just tries to help me a lot." Dean settled down, taking a sip of his drink. Seth looked down at Dean's lap. "Roman's annoying as all fuck most of the time and the other day- the other day at home, he tried to tell me which way the goddamn toilet paper was supposed to go. Uce is nuts, but I wouldn't… I wouldn't try to change him."

Seth didn't say anything, content to let Dean rub his head while he lay, thinking. Trying to put a relationship together, Seth hadn't thought about these sorts of things, the sets of expectations that were placed on each man. If anything, they had blatantly tried to ignore them, committing to an unconventional relationship.

"Do you think…" Seth heaved a sigh, thinking. "Do you think that his family will let us keep dating him?"

"I dunno." Dean shrugged. Seth felt weak again, pulling trembling breaths as he held onto Dean's leg.

"You gotta think, what the point of all this is." Dean sighed, laying the hand over Seth's head down.

"What do you mean?" Seth asked, eyes wide.

"I mean, we can't all marry each other." Dean shrugged. "We can't make our own kids."

"Since when did that matter to you?" Seth sat up, staring at Dean, scandalized.

"I mean, that's what Roman's parents are probably thinking," Dean amended, "You know I don't give a fuck about that stuff."

"Well, who's to say we can't just live and be happy?" Seth asked. "Why can't we just do what we want?"

"I dunno, why can't we?" Dean laughed. "Look, Uce has disappointed his parents a bunch and they still love him, so maybe we're overthinking this. But they do definitely want him to like, settle down and get all homey, yeah? I mean, he wants that too. We're like his kids."

"Don't say that, that's weird." Seth shook his head. "I know what you mean, but don't say it like that."

"Well, you know what I mean ." Dean sighed, flicking his cigarette butt.

The moon was full and the stars were shining bright. Seth exhaled, looking up at the cloudless sky, wondering exactly what he was supposed to do. If Roman had to call the relationship quits, they would just have to live with that. Though, Seth wondered if he would do so if he didn't have a better alternative than just being single.

He would fight for us , Seth thought, hopefully, breathing in the salty air and leaning on his palm. Ants were crawling over the concrete and he watched them mindlessly.

But then, if it's his family, would he really have a choice?

Dean laid on his back, putting his arms over his eyes and clearing his throat. Seth watched him breathe evenly, tapping his foot on the step.

"I love you a lot Dean, no matter what," Seth said feebly, putting a hand on his knee and smoothing the denim. "I'd be a fuckin' wreck if you weren't here."

"Hey, same to you," Dean mumbled. Seth smiled and Dean sat up again, lips pursed.

"I've been thinkin' a lot lately," he said, looking to the dark street, matting his messy hair out of the way. "Like, what this is. 'Cause, I'm really… happy? I haven't really been this happy before when I'm with someone."

"Yeah?" Seth said softly, watching Dean assemble his words.

"Mmhm… I just. I like having the both of you and aside from all this," he pointed to the garage, "this is really great. I like this family stuff and I want to…"

Dean sniffed and Seth put a hand on his lower back, watching.

"I want to do this. A lot. I don't want this to be over either." A tear fell from his eyes and he heaved a shuddering sigh. "I feel like, I feel like I'm realizing a lot of things and it doesn't feel… hard in the same way it does before? Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, yeah," Seth whispered. "I wanna be here for you. I know Roman does too."

Everything was quiet except for the croaking and humming of bugs and lizards. The Christmas lights all over the front of the house shined bright, and Seth and Dean held each other, just breathing in and out. Seth was scared, but the touch was something between distraction and reassurance. They were okay, things weren't certain, but they never really were. They could hear talking inside the house and children playing outside in the back, but they didn't move.

Maybe twenty minutes to a half hour later, the front door swung open and Roman appeared. Summer, Jimmy and Jey were behind him, but as soon as Seth and Dean looked up, there was relief.

"I'm okayyyy," Roman said quietly. His face was red and his eyes were bloodshot and wet, but he was grinning. He sunk down and Dean and Seth grabbed at him, pulling him to the floor and into their arms. Roman giggled and they laughed, forcing him into their laps.

"Rosey's got his moonshine out," Summer offered, smiling at her brother and his boyfriends. "Whenever you feel comfortable coming back in, you'll be fine. I think mom wanted to apologize to you two."

"We're good," Roman said, his voice wavering slightly. "I'll be in inna sec."

They were left alone again and Dean and Seth immediately hugged Roman tighter, unwilling to let go.

"It's fine," Roman grunted, rubbing at his eyes.

"It didn't sound fine!" Seth scoffed. "You don't- you don't have to-"

"It's fine," Roman reiterated. "Dad… was mad that I didn't tell him, mad that I haven't been visiting or talking to the family much. I told him everything-" He paused, biting his lip. "He's not super happy about it, but I think that he'll come around."

"Nice." Dean rubbed Roman's chest.

"We… talked a lot… about a lot of shit," Roman exhaled. Seth ran a hand through his hair. "I dunno. I kind of just want to get really drunk and not think about it."

"That's okay," Seth laughed. "So long as you're okay."

"Yeah, I'm okay," Roman nodded. "I'm so sorry you guys, I swear-"

"Hey, I'm sorry my dumb fuckin' mouth-"

"No." Roman shook his head, looking to Dean seriously. "It's me. I fucked up."

Both of them pet Roman for a liberal amount of time, making sure he was as alright as he assured them. It had been a difficult night for everyone, and Seth wanted to ask more questions, but knew that it could wait until later. They had a six hour drive home the next day, and a few days before he would have to leave for Davenport. So long as there wasn't any glaring issues they had to address, it could wait.

"We love you," Dean said firmly to Roman, laying a hand on his arm. "I'm glad we came, we love you a lot."

"Yeah. Me too." Seth nodded. "We do."

"Thanks guys," Roman said, pulling them down until they were all flush with the concrete. "I love you too, we'll figure this out."

#To the Rescue #fic

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